Today marks the final step in affirming my Jewish identity. I often struggle to find words to express the logical reasons behind my decision that I know others are seeking, because in the most simplest of terms- it was beshert. I have always been a spiritual person and had difficulties defining what the meant for me and where I belonged. I found that spiritual home in Judaism and today allows me to fully embrace all that it means to be a Jew- both spiritually and culturally. My dream for my Jewish tomorrow is to continue to grow in my knowledge, my involvement in the community and to build deeper connections with those around me. I dream of marrying and raising a Jewish family- providing all of the experiences that I didn’t get a chance to have growing up. I dream of one day journeying to Israel to feel the connection that one can only have there. I also dream of the day that I will be as comfortable speaking and reading Hebrew as I do English. In essence, I dream of a day when I will honor my non-Jewish past, but can’t imagine having never been Jewish. I have come a very long way thus far and I know that today is really only the beginning of a lifelong journey and I welcome it with an open heart and open arms.
Conservative woman convert
My daughter (a toddler) and I are "home"—on the east coast with my family right now. My family celebrates Christmas, and here we are staying at my brother's house-- full on Christmas. You name it- the tree, the nativity scene, the stockings, the cookies, all the holiday cheer. I wish that this part of the family (my family) celebrated Hanukkah, but they don't. And that's o.k. In MY home, we celebrate Hanukkah-- and we do it up big. And it's fun! My daughter is a little surprised by all the Christmas going on here, and she is definitely interested in it. And that's o.k. with me, because we are in their home. In our home we do it differently. And that's good too!
I figure that if we don't join in the big celebrations of my family, how can we expect them to join us in celebrating her Bat Mitzvah years from now? We know we are Jewish and have other wonderful holidays to celebrate (a sukkah at sukkot, lights and dreidel at Hanukkah, getting together with friends at Passover, etc. not to mention Shabbat every week!). My child loves our family celebrations in our Jewish home. She isn't going to love them any less because she sees how other people celebrate different holidays.
It's all good!
MC, Reform, Female
When it comes to Christmas, I find it a relief not to have to deal with the tree, the ornaments, all the decorating, anticipation about gifts, etc. Candles are a hassle-free alternative to the literal mess that accompanies the holiday. I'm reminded of these things when I visit my family members during the holidays - all this hassle, all this build-up and then, BAM, it's over. The only thing about the holidays that I miss are the traditional foods that I grew up with, but it's really not difficult at all to incorporate that into my Chanuka celebration. I spend Christmas with my family and exchange gifts, but I truly feel that this is THEIR celebration and not mine. I'm not pro-Christmas, but I'm not anti-Christmas either - just like I'm not pro- or anti-Chinese New Year, Eid al-Adha or any other celebration by an ethnic/religious group. Other people have their customs and that's great, but I have my customs and I choose to embrace them.
When I was a child and Christian, I loved Christmas, but now that I'm an adult and Jewish, those memories feel like they come from a different lifetime and were experienced by somebody else. I find that engrossing myself in Judaism by celebrating the holidays as best I can and making Tefilla, Teshuva and Tora study something I engage in every day doesn't leave me with much of a hole that needs to be filled when it comes to the holidays. Truth be told, I identify so strongly as a Jew that I sometimes forget that I'm a convert and led a completely different life up until just a couple years ago!
DL, Conservative, male
Before my conversion last spring, I had never seen a mikvah. Indeed there are only three mikvaot in the entire state of Oregon, so it wasn't terribly practical to do a dry run (so to speak). Of the choices available to me, I chose a really neat family-owned mikvah in Eugene that was built in a special outdoor room (kind of a like a spa). It was a very neat, mildly hippy kind of place, which was perfect for me and my personality. The more traditional mikvah in Portland was also an option, but choosing the somewhat more organic path really worked out for me. My rabbi also offered guidance about which mikvah experience would likely resonate for me based upon my personality and attitude as he had come to know me over the past couple of years.
I remember thinking at great length how I was going to dress for the mikvah and beit din (which were on the same day for me). I ultimately decided to wear a jacket and tie. For me, it came down to a recognition of the importance of the event in my life (and on my psyche). I would likely wear a jacket and tie to a wedding or a bar mitzvah, so it seemed fitting to dress for the occasion. My rabbi even said I was going to be the only one of the group who was dressed up (Oregon is a very casual place overall). No matter -- it made me feel special about the specialness of the day.
The mikvah experience for me was daunting heading in -- I'm a really private person in almost every way, so the thought of becoming 100% naked in front of strangers for such an intensely emotional experience was really overwhelming. That said, not surprisingly, it was handled with complete respect and dignity and I never felt embarrassed or self-conscious. I think maybe I was so focused on thinking about how unique the event was in my life that I lost sight of the fact that the three rabbis had been through any number of conversions before mine. I'm not suggesting it wasn't important or special in some way for them, too, as I feel certain they were thrilled to welcome me into the family. Rather, I would suggest that although every conversion and mikvah is unique to its participants, in the bigger picture it's an age-old ritual of initiation. When I finally got to that point, I was able to let go of my own self-consciousness and step back a bit to see my conversion from a broader perspective. For me, that actually made the whole thing comforting in some indefinable way. I was doing something that Jews had done before me for centuries, so I was able to let go of the anxiety and fear to a large extent and embrace the tradition.
As for what I wish I'd have known before I got there -- the mikvah was surprisingly deep to me. I don't swim, and although I'm not really afraid of the water per se, I do have a healthy respect for it. It actually wasn't until just after I had undressed and was preparing to get into the water that the rabbi and I talked a little about what makes a mikvah dunk kosher. Essentially, it means every single aspect of your body immersed and not touching the sides or floor of the mikvah. I wasn't really prepared for the extent to which I would need to be afloat in order for my mikvah to be ritually acceptable. My congregation is Reconstructionist, so I don't think there is perhaps quite the focus on those details, but afterward rabbi did tell me that my dunking had been completely kosher. I had read enough to know that I was supposed to be completely submersed, but actually striving to make that happen took a bit more body-awareness and concentration than I think I anticipated.
So, there's my two-shekels' worth. The only other comment I might add is something my rabbi said to me on the way back home. His remark was that the conversion is indeed an important and significant ritual, but feeling Jewish is a process. It wasn't as if I got home and immediately knew that I was a Jew through and through. That was an important caveat and has been completely true. The more involved I have become with my congregation, the more Shabbats I participate in, the more committees I join and classes I take, the more Jewish I feel and become. The mikvah is a step on the path, but it really is a life-long adventure.
AT, Male Reconstructionist convert
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