BECOMING JEWISH - Blog: Into the Jewish Pool

Converting During Covid - another perspective

6/29/2020

Dear Dawn,

I read with interest your article in J., “I can’t finish my conversion because of Covid-19,” and wanted to offer another perspective.

I am a member of the mentor cohort at Congregation Sherith Israel. As a mentor, my responsibilities include working one-to-one with a conversion student, teaching, guiding, modeling, and supporting in whatever ways I can. CSI’s mentoring program includes a 3-month Introduction to Judaism class, student meetings with clergy, encouragement for students to be actively attending services and/or Torah Study on a regular basis, involvement in synagogue activities, an Introduction to Hebrew course, written essays summarizing the conversion experience, and of course ongoing meetings and communication with the student’s mentor.

Certainly Covid-19 has challenged everything we know about business as usual. My student had finished all required coursework, and had been actively involved in synagogue life for over a year. Perhaps motivated by the fact that our cantor would be leaving the area this month, my student and I worked with two members of our clergy to complete the conversion process. Do we have exceptional clergy? I happen to think so. Working with Rabbi Jessica Zimmerman Graf and Cantor David Frommer, my student completed her essays, leaving only the Beit Din, Mikvah, and blessings in front of the congregation. Cantor Frommer led the Beit Din via Zoom, with my student, Rabbi Graf, and I present and participating. Two days later, my student, accompanied by Rabbi Graf and I, met in the San Francisco Marina. It was a typical San Francisco morning, foggy and drizzling. At the beach, my student removed her sweat pants and tee-shirt, and wearing only a swimsuit, bravely made her way into the San Francisco Bay. The rabbi had instructed my student in the proper blessings, and procedures for submersion. Once deep enough into the water, my almost Jewish student removed her bathing suit, and held it above her head as she immersed herself three times. Both the Beit Din and Mikvah were completely kosher. Finally, my student, now a Jew By Choice was blessed in front of the congregation at our weekly Shabbat service via Zoom. As an active synagogue member and conversion mentor, I am certain my experience in the entire process with my student, particularly the Beit Din and Mikvah will remain a highlight of my synagogue life.

All best,
Susan B.

I so appreciate the creativity of Susan and her student. I posed this idea to the writer of the original letter. Although she is a swimmer she opted for an indoor mikvah. But a natural body of water is always an option!

‘I can’t finish my conversion because of Covid’

6/25/2020

I received the following letter from a Bay Area Seeker. I answered in my column, Mixed and Matched in the J-weekly. Here is my correspondence with Beth.

Dear Dawn: After I formally prepared for more than a year, my beit din and mikvah were going to be scheduled for this spring. Now they are postponed because of the shutdown. I’m grateful for many things, and I continue to study. At the same time, I’m disappointed. There’s no way to do the mikvah now. Standing in my shower while holding a cellphone with the rabbi officiating from afar will not be adequate! As for the beit din, conducting it on Zoom seems so impersonal — even if that were possible, I’d rather wait. I feel lost, not being an official member of my Reform synagogue in Oakland. I feel lonely. I yearn for the time when we can resume Shabbat and other communal gatherings together, not online. Getting closer to age 60, I am so eager to fulfill what I know is right for me. I’m trying to be patient! Would love to hear your thoughts. — Beth

Dear Beth: I am sorry you are having an especially tough time. I respect and agree with your assessment that an “electronic” mikvah would be less than satisfying. And a beit din on Zoom would lack the warmth of an in-person dialogue.
Here are a few things that I hope will help.
First, your rabbi certainly considers you a part of their community whether you are a member or not. He/she probably has spent more time with you than the average congregant due to your studies. Additionally, the only thing you can’t do that a congregant can do right now is vote. Come the High Holidays, you’ll be there! I am confident your rabbi wants to be sure you are staying connected to your Judaism.
I’ll bet your feeling of loneliness would be there at this time even if you were a member. The inability to be with others and not being able to go to the mikvah are feeding into each other.
Let me tell you a story that’s been helping me. A member of my congregation survived the Holocaust as a hidden child. She was around 10 years old and was hidden in a bathroom. For years she saw little more than the bathroom.
Talk about boring and lonely. Yes, there was a family in the house around her, but no friends, no outdoors, no school, no peers.
When I feel like crawling the walls, I think of her. She is one of the sunniest personalities I know. Clearly her own character traits served her well at that time and in the decades since, as she has not carried a disabling grief with her; I’m not sure I could do that. In tough moments I try to emulate her and to find my own internal strength.
Here are some suggestions to help you move forward.
• Go for social-distancing walks with friends. Being in the physical presence of people who love you will help
• Email your rabbi and tell him/her of your difficult emotional status. I’ll bet the rabbi can connect you with other members online (or by phone) who would enjoy being in touch.
• Be firm with yourself and use the internet as much as you can bear. I know it is not at all as good as real people, but it is what we have right now. It is our safe “bathroom.”
• Create a calendar of scheduled activities that you tell yourself you must do (even though they are online).
• Attend your congregation’s online services and Torah study.
• Get on email lists that are helping members keep in touch. (I can help you with this.)
• Take a class online. (I can recommend some.)
• Consider creating a daily prayer regime. You might add the Modeh Ani in the morning to get you off on the right foot.
• Get on email lists that send out interesting information frequently. Certainly your synagogue newsletter, but also My Jewish Learning, one of the major movements’ e-letters, whether Reform or other. Get this newspaper’s e-newsletter to be aware and a part of local Jewry, and perhaps the Times of Israel or New York Jewish Week to get an expanded look at Jewish life beyond the Bay Area.
• Find things you enjoy online — theater shows, reading groups, gardeners exchanging wisdom, etc. Put them on your calendar.
• Set up Zoom or Skype visits with a friend at least every other day.
I want you to open your calendar each day and see things you must do for yourself. Treat them as seriously as you would for someone you were caring for.
Finally, keep a notebook of your Jewish practices and learning. I want you to be aware of how much you are already being Jewish!

Sitting Shiva for George Floyd

6/16/2020

To say that things have been hard lately is horrendously understated. I wrote about the grief that Back people, Jewish and not Jewish, are experiencing on another website and just want to share the link to it here.

The post includes links to what Black Jews are writing about this nightmare. Additionally there are links to actions we can take.

May God comfort all of us in these terrible times.

April 15th, 2020

4/15/2020

Susan Simon, the Director of Education at Temple Beth Abraham in Oakland sent this information out about the last night of Passover. This night is one of the four special times a year that we observe Yizkor.

Shalom Friends,

It is customary to remember loved ones who have died at several different times on the Jewish calendar by lighting a yahrzeit candle. The one most people are familiar with is before Kol Nidre/Yom Kippur. If you have the specially made candles, you light them before sundown and they burn for more than 24 hours.

Some of you may not know that it is also the custom to do this whenever we have a holiday where we include a Yizkor or memorial service. The evening before 8th day Pesach is such a time.

We miss our loved ones who have died, and now more people in the world are suffering having recently lost loved ones to this plague. I will be lighting yahrzeit candles tonight to remember my loved ones but I will also have in mind the thousands of people who are currently grieving with horrific losses.

Please join me in lighting a candle tonight and safely letting it burn in your home as a reminder of some of the lights that have been extinguished, some recently and some long ago. If your candle is for a loved one, try offering a prayer of thanks that you had them in your life for a while and acknowledging what a hole has been left. There is no special prayer to be recited.

Just be sure to put that candle in a safe place!

The 15 Steps of the Seder explained

4/7/2020

There is a terrific organization in Los Angeles called IKAR. They have posted a series of short useful videos on YouTube that describe the 15 Steps of the Seder, include the blessing where appropriate and an explanation of each step.

Here is a link to the whole series.

Living under Quarentine

4/1/2020

EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED

A friend of mine who works at a local church AND at my synagogue said he was amazed by how quickly the synagogue adapted to the Shelter-in-Place orders with services, Torah study and classes now online. He said his own church has been slower to make the changes. I too have been impressed by how quickly all the synagogue e-newsletters began sending out links for Jewish life activities. Those communities who accept the use of electronics on Shabbat have been holding Shabbat services, either with Facebook or Zoom or both. The Orthodox synagogues have done things like Havadalah from the rabbi's home and his Facebook page.

I've attended services and even shiva online. As an extrovert this is not my preferred method of socializing. But as a person who doesn't want to endanger others or myself, I have embraced looking for the good in this weird new way of life.

Take a look at our page What's New Page to see some of the online ideas you can access. We'll keep adding to the page.

Be strong, be brave, be safe and remember that Pikuach nefesh, saving lives, is the primary directive of Jewish tradition.

How Do You Know You Are Ready to Convert?

2/19/2020

I read an article titled, How Do I Know If I’m Ready To Convert?
It was not written by someone who had them selves converted. Rather it argued that Seekers should not wait until they feel “perfect”. But the article offered lots of Talmudic quotes to support their idea. That’s fine, but fails to address the question of how does the Seeker know when they are ready? So I asked local Jews by choice to answer:

How Did YOU know you were ready to convert?
What knowledge, emotions, experiences made you think, I’m ready to be a Jew, please describe them.

Here are some answers:

Interesting... that was one of the questions from my conversion beit din. For my personal experience, there was never an "ah-ha" moment. At some point, whenever I hear comment / joke with an anti-semite undertone, I felt insulted because it was directed at ME. I took it personally! This actually went on for quite some time. When I found out I was excluded from the initial call of shomer when my friend Ruth died because I hadn't "officially" converted yet.

I said to my sponsoring rabbi, "Rabbi, what are we waiting for?"
He answered, "For you to say something."
"Well, let's do it." I said

As you see, it wasn't a clear-cut decision-making process. It was just a very calm and natural response to the lifecycle event at the moment... and that's why I ended up with Rut as part of my middle Hebrew name, to commemorate Ruth with the permission & support from her family.
Binah Rut

Interesting point. My conversion class included someone who had been studying and thinking about it for YEARS, like 25 years. He still didn't feel ready. I, on the other hand, felt ready from the moment I found out that conversion was actually possible, which I didn't know was a possibility till way after that inner light bulb went on in my head flashing the message "I wish I was a Jew". Imagine my happiness when I discovered conversion existed.

So my ready-time was never based on factual knowledge of Jewish stuff, of which I had not much. I wanted it to happen before I had ever set foot inside a synagogue; I had very little frame of reference, but then inner voices march to a different beat.

Following my classes I studied privately with a rabbi for around 6 months, and in a practical sense it was he who actually set the conversion date, saying "I want you to go before the beit din in time for you to celebrate High Holy Days as a Jew". Obviously he felt I was ready, otherwise he wouldn't have said that. My conversion was a couple of weeks before Rosh HaShanah.
Eli

I think people who were born Jewish forget that, for a non-Jew, it’s not as simple as just deciding to take the plunge. A non-Jew contemplating conversation does not do so lightly or flippantly. A conversion, at least for me, was a deliberate and symbolic leaving behind and turning away from everything (culture, religion, beliefs, traditions and sometimes even family) you identified with up to that point and embracing a new identity and way of life. Conversion can be extremely difficult and even painful - NOT an easy decision emotionally and psychologically. The internal struggle and final decision a convert makes is NOT about “feeling” perfect. Someone who makes that assertion is not only naïve but also devalues a convert’s experience and struggle.

My husband who is an Ashkenazi Jew, was oblivious to the difficulty I went thru contemplating my decision. He was impatient and tried to pressure me into converting sooner. Even saying he would ask someone else to take our infant daughter thru the Mikvah to make her ‘official’ because I was taking so long. I held my ground but not without resentment and hurt feelings. My daughter and I went to the Mikvah together – an experience I will always cherish.

Choosing conversation should NOT be made in haste – it’s a life decision that should be made deliberately, earnestly and sincerely. We converts might take a long time to make the decision, but when the decision is made, we make a life commitment.

What made me decide to make the decision? Having my daughter. I was already living a Jewish Life. We were members of a temple, I was VP of our Sisterhood, I sang in the choir and worked for a JCC. But my husband and I made the choice to raise our daughter Jewish. I felt I could not do that – teach her how to be Jewish - when I myself was not. I needed to be true to her and myself.
Margalit

My formal commitment to being Jewish, almost 3 years ago, was a very freeing decision.
Although I have been on the path for 61 years, this lifetime, the final "Hineni" came when I met Rabbi Nina. She teaches Judaism 101 at the local college here in Prescott, Az.
It was the ah-ha moment that questioning is what Judaism is all about! "Both/And".
I told my spouse, who had a Buddhist sensibility about Rabbi and how I thought she would really connect with her. Rabbi Nina called herself a "Jew Bu", having come back to her Jewish roots through eastern philosophy.
My spouse asked to meet about converting! I was thrilled, and the rest is history...
It is now a moment to moment breath.
Haddasah Raquia

I had thought about it on and off for years - as I had many Jewish friends who always included me - but I never thought I needed to convert. It wasn’t until I had kids, who were born Jews through my wife, that I began to change my mind. I suddenly realized I was the only gentile in our home and the the ramifications of the Nuremberg Laws weighed heavily on me.

I love my family, I loved our friends and I loved our Jewish community. This was my tribe, these were my people. And one day I just realized - I was already a Jew - and from that point on it was just a matter of officially confirming it. I cast my lot.

Since becoming Jewish, I feel more whole if that makes sense. It was this missing piece in my life. Looking back, I suspect I’ve always been Jewish; but being born an Irish catholic, I had to find my way back.
Yehudah

I realized I was ready to BE Jewish when I found myself complaining using Hebrew and ladino terms and thinking that my Christian friends had really strange ways of doing things, how couldn’t they see that the Jewish answer was so logical and sensible?

I’d been studying for almost two years at that point, I just went to our monthly meeting and agreed it was pointless to keep waiting any longer, I just said, “I feel it’s time” and just scheduled a date for the bet din
Adir

Do You Know About My Jewish Learning?

2/7/2020

I’m betting that you probably have heard of the website, My Jewish Learning. If not, check it out right how. It has an extraordinarily wide range of topics and offers information from across the spectrum of Jewish observance. They recently offered a series of emails on Conversion.

One of the first things they discuss is finding a rabbi with whom to study. Take a look at their brief article on getting started. It includes links to all the major Jewish movements. Very helpful!

Another comment on Christmas

12/23/2019

I've received several emails about the challenge of Christmas, family expectations, and worries that the Jewish community will disapprove of something we do at Christmas time.

One reply - from Ruth Aliza - deserves sharing because it speaks to all of these.

I just wanted to thank you for sending this timely and thoughtful note about Christmas and Jews-by-choice. This year I'm spending Christmas morning with my parents and siblings (who live locally), and then spending the afternoon/evening celebrating Chanukah with friends. I've never missed Christmas dinner before, and it was hard to tell my mother that I was going to eat Chinese takeout and watch a movie! But it felt like the right thing for me this year---I wanted to both spend Christmas with my family, and do something that felt Jewish on that day.

Tangentially related: This week, I stopped by my neighborhood Walgreens to pick up some stocking stuffers for my family. As luck would have it, I ran into two different families from my synagogue while I was standing ("Rudolph" red-handed?) in the Christmas tchotchkes aisle. At first I was mortified, but then I realized: (A) Most people don't care what I've got in my shopping basket, and (B) It's ok! I no longer celebrate Christmas as a personal holiday, but my family does, and that comes with some practicalities....like buying stocking stuffers.

My P.S. to all of you is that born Jews also like things like eggnog, peppermint, gingerbread, bright lights in the dark of winter, and more. Be kind to yourself.

Just for fun, here's a delicious latke recipe for those of us who are not terribly fond of fried potatoes.

What Will You Do About Christmas This Year?

12/16/2019

There are so many potential issues for a Jew-by-choice. Here are some that have been raised before:

*My family expects me to join them; how can I say no. I love them.
*I really love Christmas still. It isn’t religious for me, never was, just very festive.
*NOT having Christmas feels like such a momentous lifestyle change that I can’t wrap my head around it.
*I feel guilty having a Christmas tree.
*I feel guilty for wanting a Christmas tree.
*I’m afraid my rabbi/Jewish friends will find out I have a tree.
*I feel defensive and angry when people say this can’t be a secular holiday.
*I’m afraid my kids will love Christmas and hate me for depriving them of it.

And the list goes on.

Are you having yucky feelings about Christmas? STOP. You are not a bad person, you do love your family, you can have a tree, you can NOT have a tree, you aren’t depriving your children, no one gets to beat you up – not even you.

Christmas is just plain LOADED. How else would it sell everything from razors to dolls? Don’t feel bad that you have been influenced by our society’s huge investment in Christmas, financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically. You did not bring this on yourself. You live in America; it happens.

What to do? Stop letting negative feelings control you. Remember that you have a right to be a Jew who observes Christmas. Don’t be defensive or make up tales about why it’s OK. Embrace your truth. Be ready to say, “Hey, this holiday is the definition of family for me. I need it.” Or whatever is true for you. If people don’t like it you can smile and move on. Or you can ask them, “Do you have a solution? Let’s hear it.” Can they ‘fix’ your feelings? No, but I want you to. I don’t want you feeling bad.

Make a plan. Decide you are going to do which ever is most comfortable in your life this year. Then starting in January you have a year to plan to try something different. You could decide you’ll go to Hawaii next December, or to Tahoe or somewhere else. You could look around for friends with whom to spend the holiday. You could plan for a big Hanukkah year, go all out on decorations, parties and food. You could try going without the tree, or just the lights. You could make a decision that for ONE December in 2020 you’re going to test out doing what you think you “ought” to do. JUST FOR ONE YEAR. Then you are going to re-evaluate. I know a convert who decided, no Christmas for one December. The next year, yes, Christmas. Then after some reflection, my friend decided to stop having Christmas. At the same time I know people who have figured out how to make Christmas work in their home. Life is constantly changing. You get to experiment. Just be honest with your kids so they know what you’re doing.