Blog: Into the Jewish Pool

Ocean Mikvahs in the SF Bay Area

12/16/2021

(This article originally appeared in the December 15, 2021 Mixed and Matched column in the J-weekly.)

Dear Dawn: The final component of my conversion will be the mikvah. I want to complete this step, but our local mikvah has been closed through the pandemic. Is the mikvah mandated for conversion in Reform Judaism? (I want to do it, whether it’s required or not.) Can I do it in an ocean, with a representative on shore? I am looking forward to the ceremonial solemnity. — Patiently awaiting my mikvah

Dear Patiently: Many people have faced the same problem during the pandemic, and rabbis have opted for an outdoor mikvah! No, mikvah is not mandated for a Reform conversion, but who would want to miss out?
You stimulated my interest in learning some of our local rabbis’ approach to an outdoor mikvah. I was surprised by how many of them do utilize this option.
It is critical that you meet with your rabbi and discuss the details of how the outdoor mikvah will be handled.
Issues include: modesty (public nudity is out); safety (rough waves are dangerous); participants (you will need helpers); clothing (avoid wardrobe malfunctions in the water); ceremony (what exactly will happen and in what order?)
Generally speaking, the rabbis I communicated with look for a secluded location on a beach, away from the eyes of the public. Candidates may wear either a bathing suit or a loose-fitting garment like a robe. Rabbis may ask whether you can swim; they will refuse to put you in danger.
A loved one accompanies the convert to a spot in the surf where it is deep enough to lift your feet off the bottom and dip under the water. Your companion will help you disrobe if you are wearing a swimsuit or want to be naked. They hold your garment while the rabbi calls out to you from the shore, telling you what to say and when to dunk.
After the three dips are completed, your companion will help you dress before you exit the water. Some rabbis have a Thermos with a warm drink waiting. Several rabbis described having family members hold up towels to shield the new Jew as they take off their wet clothes and put on dry ones. Several rabbis mentioned going early in the morning or at sunset to avoid running into others.
Here are some comments I received:
Lisa Erdberg, conversion guide, Congregation Sherith Israel, San Francisco
The people strip down to bathing suits on the beach, go into the water and remove their bathing suits under water. After their immersions, they put their bathing suits back on under water and emerge. We wrapped them in towels to dry off, and then they put their clothes back on. There is a restroom very close by that they can use. They recited the Shema in the water.
My sense is that people have found the water to be very cold, but they are so excited that it doesn’t actually feel cold.
Because it’s the Pacific Ocean, it is cold with choppy water. It’s hard to hear because of the wind. They can only let go of their bathing suits for a second. Immersion in a calm ocean or lake would be a much more tranquil affair and offer more opportunity for intentionality.
Rabbi Jaymee Alpert, Congregation Beth David, Saratoga
Candidates dress in loose-fitting clothes and bring a change and plenty of towels for afterward. They go in alone, just far enough that they can pick their feet up and immerse fully. It is quite noisy with the waves, and I have to listen carefully for the blessings.
Once out of the water, they wrap up in a towel immediately. I think they are very brave. I haven’t managed to put more than a foot into the water. I had to reschedule a conversion because of riptides, so that is also something to be aware of.
Rabbi Gershon Albert, Beth Jacob Congregation, Oakland
Some Orthodox beit dins (rabbinical courts) will allow a conversion candidate to wear a loose-fitting robe or wrap themselves in a sheet when they immerse, protecting their modesty throughout the process.
Rabbi David Booth, Congregation Kol Emeth, Palo Alto
I have them wear a robe or wrap themselves in a sheet when going into the water, and then just put it back on as they emerge. It is true that there are days when the surf is up and it’s more exciting than planned.
Rabbi Jonathan Prosnit, Congregation Beth Am, Los Altos Hills
In a phone conversation, Rabbi Prosnit told me there is a protected cove area at Half Moon Bay that he uses. The candidate goes with a friend or partner, both in bathing suits, into the water. When they have waded in deep enough to disrobe under the water (about 20 yards out), the candidate takes off their bathing suit and dips. He guides them in the traditional blessings from the shore. The individual redresses in the water and comes out to a celebration with loved ones on the shore.
Rabbi Prosnit pointed out that the mikvah preparation of showering, flossing and cleaning under the nails can be very beautiful, but generally is not possible in a beach setting.
Water locations used by Bay Area rabbis include Santa Cruz beaches, the Albany Bulb (which is the end of a landfill peninsula), Half Moon Bay or nearby Mavericks Beach, Lake Anza in Berkeley, San Gregorio Beach (south of Half Moon Bay), and three San Francisco spots: the St. Francis Yacht Club, Aquatic Park near Fisherman’s Wharf and Crissy Field.
This is clearly an individualized process that you must discuss with your rabbi, but the good news is that it can be done.

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An Ocean Mikvah

11/3/2021

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An ocean mikvah experience in Hawaii

Can you use the ocean for your mikvah? You can! A friend of mine who LOVES the water asked about using the ocean. I contacted the conversion mentor, Lisa, at Sherith Israel because she told me that they have done ocean mikvahs. She asked one of her conversion students to write about his experience. Here's what he had to say.

When the day of my mikvah had come, it was typical San Francisco foggy weather but something was obviously different about it. I felt a bit intimidated by what's going to happen to me, yet I was calm and at peace. It felt that something very important is going to occur, spiritually significant. When I was taking off my clothes with the skies being orange because of the smoke from forest fires, I caught myself correlating this with the verses, when the world was just emerging in the Torah and that the culmination of the most important moment in my life is about to happen. I was ready to step into the cold waters of the Bay but, surprisingly, the water was beyond comfortable, as if HaShem covered me with his warm tallit to save me from cold temperatures. Rabbi Jessica and Lisa were mentally holding my hands as I went further and further into the water. All my intimidation disappeared once I looked back at them. Water became very pleasant. When Rabbi Jessica pronounced the prayers and I submerged three times - my entire life flashed in front of my eyes, even the moments that I almost forgot about! Once I came back from the water, the world became different, clearer, I even became more aware of the people and notions around me. This is something I don't think I can explain with simple words: it must be felt and the feeling is amazing. This was especially important for me because this way I spiritually bring my Jewish ancestors together and keep that connection: my long-"erased" Jewish ancestry is now restored! That's why my entire conversion at Sherith Israel was so important to me.
--Aharon

I turned back to the conversion mentor, Lisa, for more details about an ocean immersion. I asked about HOW it is done and about the temperature of the water. She said:

We did the two Bay mivkahs I attended at the beach by the St. Francis Yacht Club; I believe the other one was at Aquatic park, but more or less same environment. The people stripped down to bathing suits on the beach, went into the water and removed their bathing suits under water. After performing their immersions they put their bathing suits back on under water and came out. We wrapped them in towels to dry off and then the put their clothes back on; there is a restroom very close by that they could use if they wanted to remove their wet bathing suits before putting their clothes on. They recited the Shema in the water. They did not hold a Torah - we don’t do that at the indoor mikvah either; the recitation of the Shema is the last thing after the immersions. We all shivered and sang siman tov and mazel tov.

My sense is that people have found the water to be very cold but they are so excited that it doesn’t actually feel cold; both the people I witnessed said it felt good.

Quite honestly, because it’s the Pacific Ocean, hence cold, windy, and usually choppy water, it’s kind of a hodgepodge. It’s hard to hear because of the wind; they can only let go of their bathing suits for a brief second, etc. Immersion in a calm ocean or lake would be a much more tranquil affair and offer more opportunity for intentionality. And yet, you see from Aharon’s narrative how meaningful it was to him to do it this way.

I can't resist sharing with you Aharon's additional comments about making aliyah and living in Jerusalem.

The High Holy Days were magnificent here! I got to know a couple of families in the suburbs of Jerusalem who are affiliated with the Ramban synagogue and we had an amazing celebration. It truly feels more connected to HaShem over here, even though they're from the Orthodox denomination. I know different parts of Israel are quite different in a religious sense like Jerusalem can go too extreme in terms of observance but nobody really cares about Judaism in Eilat. I love Jerusalem! I truly found my spiritual destination here and will stay here. Probably, I'll have to undergo Orthodox conversion (more symbolic, than actual) here as Rabbi Avigdor Nebenzahl will require it to become a full-fledged member. I'm shocked about the number of young Americans in there who study the Torah with such dedication. The English version of the Torah comes in handy as I'm still learning Biblical Hebrew. Russian too, to be honest, but, I believe, submerging myself into the language environment - that's the only good way of actually learning the language. Yes, it's very challenging, but having such a big team with me is very important, a day here flies by very fast when I'm at the Torah discussion. I'm absolutely grateful to HaShem that I ended up here, in the Holy Land.

You can read more here on My Jewish Learning, but I found this article to be rather discouraging.

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Your Spiritual Workout

10/20/2021

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Rabbi Larry Milder of Beth Emek in Pleasanton wrote joyfully to his congregation:

Your Spiritual Workout Routine
The heart needs to be moved—not just physically, but spiritually, too.
Shabbat morning is when we really get to stretch our spiritual side.
Mind you, I love Friday night worship. It is like the calming breath for the soul.
Shabbat morning is when our heart takes flight. The apex of Shabbat morning is the reading of the Torah. Not only is that when the action of the service really picks up; it’s also when we are most fully engaged.
Now that we are back in our sanctuary, we are ready for some serious Torah encounters.

YES! We are all getting closer to returning to our synagogues in person. I can't wait. I miss everything about being with the community.

Rabbi Milder's words reminded me of something that Rabbi Daniel Stein of B'nai Shalom in Walnut Creek said. He taught that we must pray in order to practice praying. He said, "It's like baseball. You won't hit the ball every time you are at bat, but you have to practice so that sometimes you'll hit a homerun."

I wish us all a homerun at shul soon!

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I lost my conversion certificate. Now what?

9/29/2021

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This correspondence was first published in my Mixed and Matched column for the J-weekly.

Dear Dawn: Many years ago, under the guidance of a Conservative rabbi in Queens, New York, I converted to Judaism. My records have been lost and no one connected with the synagogue has been able to help me in recovering the document of my conversion. What am I to do in this situation? I am more than willing to undergo the process again, but I don’t know if a rabbi would consider this appropriate. I am also currently living in a remote location; no Jewish community here. — Jewish for a long time

Dear JFALT: You’ve presented me with an interesting question I’ve never confronted before — so I did some research.
Here’s what I found. No matter which movement an individual chooses for their conversion, it is best for that person to hold onto their conversion certificate! If you are a Jew by choice, make a copy, upload it to the cloud, save it to your computer, put a copy or the original in your safe deposit box.
The responsibility is primarily on you, the individual.
That said, here’s how the three largest Jewish movements handle conversion records.
The Reform movement encourages its rabbis to send a copy of each of their converts’ certificates to the central archive in the American Jewish Archives in Cincinnati. Many of the Reform rabbis remember to do this, but not all of them. If you convert with a Reform rabbi, you should confirm that they do that for you.
The Conservative movement encourages its rabbis to send a copy of the certificate to the Rabbinical Assembly in New York. One Conservative rabbi I spoke with had never been told this information! The moral of the story: Speak up, ask for your records to be sent, and keep a copy for yourself.
The Orthodox movement has a few approved beit din (rabbinic courts) around the United States. This means that people seeking to convert must travel to the location of the beit din for an interview and, of course, mikvah. Each beit din retains its own records. Thus, converts who have worked with one of these courts must contact their court for a duplicate certificate.
Your inquiry, JFALT, led me to wonder: When have you actually needed to produce your certificate? I asked you, and you replied that while you have never had to show it, the certificate itself has great meaning for you.
In fact, it’s so important to you that you’ve decided if you can’t get your certificate via the Rabbinical Assembly, you have found a rabbi who will take you to the mikvah again and give you a new certificate.
I take my hat off to your commitment and sentiment! Still, I hope the Rabbinical Assembly can help you.
All of this left me with a question: When do Jews-by-choice get asked to prove their status? I asked rabbis from the same three movements.
The Reform and Conservative rabbis I spoke with said they’ve never asked someone to provide their certificate. They’ve never had occasion to question someone’s self-proclaimed identity as a Jew or as a Jew-by-choice, they said. (One Reform rabbi did get a call from a synagogue once asking if he had indeed converted a person who was applying to teach in their Hebrew school.)
It is different for the Orthodox community and rabbis. Halachah (Jewish law) is as binding for their community as American law is for U.S. citizens. Proof of Jewish status is required for people who want to be members of an Orthodox shul, put their children in an Orthodox day school, go to a summer camp or be married by the rabbi.
As a Reform rabbi said to me, “For traditional Jews, this is simply law, not personal.”
Obviously, if you have chosen to convert to Judaism via Orthodoxy, you learn this and take it on as your way of life.
Ironically, I note that rabbis either don’t ask about status or, if they are required to, they ask everyone, not just those who may have converted.
Let this be guidance to all members of a congregation: We lay people do not need to question another person’s status.

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New Lehrhaus!

9/14/2021

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Over the last two decades I have referred many of you to classes - basic Judaism, Hebrew, history and literature - offered by Lehrhaus Judaica. Suddenly in June 2021 it was announced that Lehrhaus would close. The community was devastated, as was I. But almost immediately a group formed to revitalize this worthy institution.

I am thrilled to tell you that NEW LEHRHAUS has been created and classes will resume in October 2021. The website of New Lehrhaus is still under construction but you can see a list of classes. If you have any confusion, just email me, Dawn, at dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org.

Full disclosure, I am on the board of the New Lehrhaus and honored to be asked to help move Jewish education forward in the Bay Area. Our classes will be primarily online for the foreseeable future due to Covid, but we look forward to being in-person as soon as possible. So get vaccinated so I can see you in class!
Dawn Kepler

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Transitioning to my true self includes converting to Judaism. Can I?

8/11/2021

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I received an inquiry to my column in the J-weekly, Mixed and Matched, about whether a transperson could convert to Judaism. Here is what they wrote.

I have been depressed much of my life because I don’t fit the gender I was born with. I want to transition and I want to convert to Judaism. Some Jewish friends have told me I can convert and others have said I can’t. I know that I have to transition to my true gender in order to find life worth living. I also very much want to be Jewish. I have read a number of books and listened to teachings online. I think a Reform rabbi would accept me. Can you tell me if that is correct? I fear that I may be more tradition oriented than the Reform movement. I’m not saying I want to be Orthodox. Do I have any other option? If it is permitted, how do I get started?
— Big Changes

Here is my reply:
Dear Big: You are correct that you can convert to Judaism with a Reform or a Conservative rabbi no matter how you define your gender. Conservative Judaism may be the path for you given your interest in a more observant lifestyle. Orthodox streams of Judaism would be more challenged to accept you, so you seem to be positioned well for a middle path.
I will note that asking Jewish friends for help with questions about conversion is a common practice, and the non-Jewish person may be confused by the answers. You were wise to ask several people and to determine that none of them appeared to have the final answer, even though each spoke to a certain truth. I’m glad you reached out to me for assistance.
Reading on your own and learning online is a good start, especially during the pandemic. The next steps are these:
Determine whether Conservative Judaism is right for you. Explore the websites of Conservative shuls near you, attend their services online and check out the national headquarters, United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism.
Find a sponsoring rabbi. You’ll need a rabbi who is your teacher and guide as you learn about Judaism and prepare to lead a Jewish life. As you “attend” services, try to get a feel for the rabbi(s) at your local synagogues. Call the ones with whom you feel comfortable and talk to them about how they are handling the conversion process at this time. Tell them your concern about being accepted as a trans person so that they can reassure you. Be prepared for awkward exchanges about the human body, because conversion is different for males and females (as males are expected to be circumcised). Please be aware that these issues, while rather commonplace for rabbis, may not be for you. Just tell them if you feel uncomfortable so they can adjust their approach.
Study. You’ll need to learn a lot, and your sponsoring rabbi will guide you in this. They may also want you to attend a basic Judaism class. (There are a number online.) The advantage of a class is that you’ll meet a number of others who are also curious learners.
Experience the Jewish calendar. The vast majority of rabbis require that a student study with them for at least one year. This allows the student to become acquainted with each holiday.
Decide that Judaism is right for you. The second advantage of your study taking a year or more is that you have adequate time to determine whether you really do want to become Jewish. No rabbi expects you to commit to converting at the outset. Rather, rabbis want to study with you and wait to see if you decide this is really what you want.
Formally convert. When you and your rabbi believe you are ready, you will go before a beit din (rabbinic court) and, if they give you their approval, you will go to the mikvah (ritual bath). Since you, Big, may also be scheduling surgeries, you’ll need to determine with your doctor when it is safe for you to immerse in water.
I have a dear friend who transitioned to their true self — a different gender than how they were born, and a different religion, too! At times they were sad or impatient that things weren’t happening faster. I tell you what I told them: “Put one foot in front of the other. Take the steps that are necessary for both these changes. Time will pass and you will be your correct gender and a Jew.”
Make friends at the synagogue of your choice. Ask your rabbi to introduce you to others who have converted so you can exchange questions, answers and stories. If the shul has an LGBTQ group, ask if you can join it even before you are a Jew.

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What Is Haftarah and How Do I Chant It?

12/31/2020

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Rabbi Milder of Congregation Beth Emek in Pleasanton recently share this description of Haftorah. You'll see that he is offering a class on how to chant. The cost to non-members of Beth Emek is $60. Take a look at the details.

The highlight of Shabbat morning is the chanting of Torah and Haftarah.

What is Haftarah? In spite of the similarity of the words, Haftarah has nothing to do with the word Torah. Torah means instruction, from a root meaning “to aim.” Haftarah, however, comes from a root meaning “conclusion.” It refers to the reading from the Prophets, which was implemented by the Rabbis as a conclusion to the Torah reading.

Haftarah was introduced in order to emphasize that the books of the Prophets are sacred. Unlike Torah, however, we only read selections from the Prophets over the course of the year. These excerpts are usually related thematically to the week’s Torah portion, but for certain weeks of the year, the Haftarah has to do with the season and its holy days.

One of the things that distinguishes the Haftarah reading from the Torah reading is that they are chanted to different melodies. The “trope” signs used to indicate the melody are the same signs, but they are sung differently when applied to Haftarah. Most of Torah reading can be thought of as being in a major key, while most of Haftarah can be thought of as being in a minor key.

Learning to chant Haftarah is like learning a set of musical patterns, and then applying each pattern (2 – 6 notes) to a word. It is fascinating, musically expressive, and a wonderful way to communicate the meaning of the text.

Anyone who has a basic Hebrew reading ability can learn to chant Haftarah. One of the advantages of Haftarah over Torah chanting is that the Haftarah may be sung from a printed text, including the vowels and trope signs, unlike Torah, which is chanted from a handwritten scroll. It’s a whole lot easier to remember!

I invite you to enroll in this winter’s adult ed class, Learn to Chant Haftarah. In seven sessions, I will teach you this beautiful melody. You’ll be able to chant a Haftarah passage when you are done!

Class begins on Sunday, January 10, from 3:00 – 4:00 pm online. We will meet on Sundays when there is religious school.

Enroll now at Learn to Chant Haftarah.

Rabbi Larry Milder

NOTE: You must be able to read Hebrew enough to recognize letters and pronounce words.

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My rabbi doesn’t understand what Christmas means to me

12/24/2020

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(This article originally appeared in my column Mixed and Matched in the J-weekly)

Dear Dawn: I am single and have no Jewish relations. But I have taken years to determine that I want to be Jewish. I am working on converting. I have one problem. My rabbi tells me that I have to give up Christmas. I have never practiced another religion, including Christianity, but I have always had Christmas with my extended family when I lived in the same state. When I moved away, I continued to decorate my house, including a tree. I love the smell of an evergreen tree. I love the lights and the special feelings of a holiday that it feels like the entire world is celebrating. I honestly don’t think my rabbi can understand how I feel because it is a lifelong practice for me and he has never done it. Do you have any suggestions? I’m at a standstill. I refuse to lie to him and currently I just can’t say I’ll give up having a tree. — Stuck

Dear Stuck: I think you are right that your rabbi can’t personally understand how you feel about Christmas. In America there is no Jewish holiday that the entire country celebrates. It might be helpful to have a frank discussion with him and articulate how this change feels for you — in detail. Being heard out is very powerful. I hope he will not waste time telling you why you need to give up Christmas and will simply affirm your feelings of loss.
If you were having an Orthodox conversion, the process would take a few years and you would be able to experiment with reducing Christmas traditions while at the same time increasing the role Judaism plays in your life. Since you are converting in one of the less stringent streams of Judaism, the process will typically take about one year. That means a student can potentially go from a year in which they have Christmas with all the trimmings to a year in which there is no Christmas at all. That kind of change is dramatic and can be quite hard. I think you need time to build up your Jewish practice, as well as your Jewish emotional and communal bonds. Right now you are thinking about going from “plenty” to nothing.
There is no rule that you must convert in a single year. Consider talking to your rabbi about taking your time to transition into being Jewish. Spend an additional year having Shabbat every week and attending shul for holidays, classes and social activities. Build your circle of Jewish friends. Begin imbuing each Jewish holiday with meaning and memories. Be sure to spend them with friends and with family, if that is possible. Make a point of starting a food tradition around your practice. Books like Joan Nathan’s “Jewish Holiday Cookbook” can help you get started.
If you intend to give up Christmas eventually, you could try talking to your rabbi about making it a gradual process after your conversion.
I am struck by how hurried some students are about becoming Jewish. They act like it is a race and the first one there wins. That simply is not true. Becoming Jewish takes time, and growing as a Jew takes a lifetime. The trip to the mikvah is just one stop on the journey of a Jewish life. Don’t let anyone pressure you to move faster. If you need to, you can take several years to make the transition.
You are not alone in this challenge. Many people who want to convert or are converting really balk at the idea of giving up the tree. This symbol is so loaded. For those who have celebrated all their lives, it is often deeply emotional. There are family memories that are wrapped up in the smells, sights, sounds and ambiance of this time of year. Not observing the holiday means that you may feel lonely and left out at times as the world around you embraces Christmas from September through December. That’s a pretty long time.
Being different is part of being Jewish. Finding community and meaning in that difference is central to living as a Jew.
Finally, many Jews by birth and Jews by choice do celebrate Christmas. You could find another rabbi for whom giving up Christmas is not a requirement. You must decide how you want to live as a Jew. If you decide to be a Jew with a tree, please don’t justify it as “not religious or important.” Be honest and say it is important, and be frank about your reasons.

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One Synagogue's Conversion Program

12/4/2020

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Most rabbis have a very personal approach to working with a conversion student. However, some synagogues spell out their process on their website. I want to share with you the conversion program at Sherith Israel in San Francisco. I love that they use shul members as mentors to each student. This is certainly something you could ask for if your rabbi doesn't mention it. Often a member will help to integrate you into the community and host you for Shabbat dinner or holiday activities.

Here is description I received from Lisa Erdberg.

Congregation Sherith Israel’s “Journey to Judaism” program is both welcoming and rigorous. The San Francisco Reform synagogue’s program derives its strength from the collaboration among clergy, volunteer mentors, and seekers. Senior Rabbi Jessica Zimmerman Graf leads the clergy team and congregant Lisa Erdberg serves as the “mentor macher,”* coordinating the program.

“Journey to Judaism” is a three-part program; the first part consists of a 14-session “Introduction to Judaism” course, followed by a basic Hebrew course; the second part involves one-on-one work with a volunteer mentor, who creates a personalized experience for the individual and helps them learn to “do” Jewish; the final part consists of meetings with a member of the clergy team to discuss some of the more challenging aspects of Judaism. The culminating experience is the Beit Din, mikvah, and formal welcoming in the congregation at a Shabbat service.

Creating a personalized experience for each individual through the relationship with a dedicated mentor is an essential aspect of Sherith Israel’s program. We endeavor to meet each individual where they are and provide the type of experience they need, whether it’s more experientially-oriented or more intellectually-oriented - everyone’s needs are different and are honored. We also emphasize that the journey to Judaism is ongoing, a lifelong undertaking for those who choose to set out on the path.

* Macher or makher: Yiddish word meaning influential person, fixer," literally, "maker,"

You can find Sherith Israel's program detailed here.

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Did you ever fear going to hell if you converted?

12/1/2020

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A woman who is contemplating conversion to Judaism asked me the following question. I posed the question to our list of Jews by Choices. Beneath her question I have listed the caring answers.

(Note: A number of people expressed concern that this woman wasn't ready to convert and who is her rabbi that isn't picking up on her worries. She is NOT yet working on conversion. These are theoretical concerns as she ponders the meaning of conversion.)

I have a sense of anguish when thinking hypothetically of converting and I feel a sense that I'm going to hell; do other converts feel this way? A sense of loss?

#1 This is only partially related, but I left the religion I was raised in during my mid-20s, about 10 years before I started studying Judaism for conversion. But the process of leaving that Christian religion in my 20s came with all kinds of “deprograming” that I had to work through. Many religions that are “high cost” (meaning they ask a lot of social and identity commitments from adherents) actually create deep mental and emotional pathways in our brains that can take years of work to get through. In Judaism, this would be like growing up Hasidic and then trying to leave your Hasidic community in your 20s. Even moving from Hasidic Judaism to Conservative or Reform Judaism is a huge cultural, mental, and emotional transformation, and it’s the *same* religion. Does that make sense?

So from my experience, that this woman has her old religion’s claims on her rearing up during the conversation process makes sense and is relatively normal, especially if she grew up in a kind of Christianity that actually believes in hell (many mainline and liberal versions of Christianity downplay or reject the idea of hell completely (and Catholicism is split on the issue across a spectrum), so she sounds like she was probably raised more conservative evangelical?).

Anyway, I don’t know that it helps much, but whether or not she ultimately converts to Judaism, it can be important part of leaving a religion that has a firm hold on our habits of mind to practice reminding ourselves, “I don’t believe that anymore” or “that was what I was taught, but I don’t believe in that.” A lot of self-compassion and awareness are required.

Of course I’m coming from a particular background and my (Mormon) baggage is heavy and still at age 50 can rear its head in unexpected and painful ways (usually in other areas of my life, not in my Judaism).
Asher

#2 Never, ever thought I was going to hell if I converted. Never! Ever! I had long before stopped believing in my Catholic (Christian) religion before I even considered Judaism. Maybe she is not ready.
Shira

#3  Not being a hell-believer, this isn't anything I can personally relate to but I do have some thoughts. Christianity has a very well-developed sense of Hell (over-developed in my opinion) with eternal damnation etc. In that sense, it's a "negative" religion with the threat of Hell hanging over everything and where it's all about avoiding Hell at all costs. Meanwhile, Judaism has its Sheol but that seems pretty vague and is less defined, not much talked about, and is less of a "moving force" in Judaism, which is a more "positive" religion where it's all about doing the right thing, as opposed to the dread of doing something bad like going to Hell.

If the writer is concerned enough to ask the question then my gut feeling is she is considering conversion too soon. She might consider waiting till her sense of Christian Hell is lessened, which she could do by studying up on the "positive" aspects of Judaism, and thus not dwell on the "negative" aspect of Christianity.

Which is not to say Christianity is all negative, but Fear is a big deal in many forms of Christianity and I don't see that in Judaism much, certainly not to the same extent. A "kindly" Christianity would say "thanks for being part of us but we respect your need to move on to Judaism", whereas a "negative" Christianity would say "you are a sinner for jumping ship and you will go to Hell for it". So a concurrent approach would be to re-craft her outgoing Christian thinking to where she sees her form of Christianity in the kindly category, one which allows her out without retribution.
Eliezer

#4  There are a variety of emotions that I had to resolve during my conversion to Judaism. Christianity definitely brainwashes people that the ONLY way into heaven is by believing in Jesus. I have Christian friends who try to guilt trip me into converting to Christianity. They don't know that I converted from Christianity to Judaism because that would be opening up a can of worms so I never share that fact with them. After they try to guilt trip me, I just smile at them and remain silent then move the conversation away from the topic.

BUT with that said...

Based on fishing expeditions by well-intended Christian friends, I have felt from time to time the guilt trip a little bit. But it's the type of guilt that you feel when someone shames you for something, even when you know you did nothing wrong. I’ve had that done to me as a cruel control mechanism.

Christianity teaches that you are guilty just by being born (that's the concept known as original sin), that there is no way G-d can forgive you by your own merits, and that Jesus MUST continually intercede on your behalf otherwise you will be sent straight to hell when you die, where you will burn FOREVER with no hope of reprieve. So if you repent with wailing and gnashing of teeth in this lifetime, you can be forgiven only through God's grace bestowed to you in your pitiful condition. But you have to continually ask for forgiveness, so "forgiven" is not the end of the story. In the analogy of a court of law, in Christianity G-d is the judge AND the jury. Christianity as a whole preaches the ONLY salvation is through the "blood of the lamb (meaning Jesus who died on the cross to redeem us from sin)." That message is a very persistent drumbeat. One hears it MULTIPLE TIMES in every service and in every lesson.

But in Judaism, G-d is the defending attorney! This is a huge paradigm shift. If you have been brainwashed, it takes time to fully embrace the new paradigm. And with Jewish guilt added in, well you get my point. LOL

So... when I reflect back on the fact that converting to Judaism was the ONLY place that I felt at home, I quickly got over the guilt trips. But I can definitely understand if someone is wrestling with this. Especially if they recently left Christianity.
Miriam Eliana

#5 I was quite perplexed with the question. Conversion is a long and very personal process. I am sensing at this particular point, she is still considering. That's OK to ponder with questions in order to seek the personal answers -- it is nothing to be shameful about. There is a reason we study with Rabbi and get involved in the community during conversion process.
Binah

#6  Good heavens. If she believes that part of her religion, why on earth is she considering converting? For me, the whole "you're going to hell if you don't believe this" piece of Christianity never EVER sat well with me. I nodded my head in agreement because I was trying with every fiber of my being to believe it. The alternative to believing it being an eternity of consumption by flames. What a relief to find a religion that encourages me to question everything (thanks, Judaism!) and that doesn't have any firm belief (as far as I know of) about what happens when a person dies. I love the quote I heard from a rabbi on NPR once who said something to the effect of: "The people who tell you what happens when you die don't know; the people who know what happens when you die can't tell you."

This woman doesn't sound like she's ready to convert or to even consider it a hypothetical option if she can't shake the belief of hell for "non-believers" in the afterlife.
Ruth

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