BECOMING JEWISH - Blog: Into the Jewish Pool

Speak up! Be part of your own learning

6/14/2019

This week Rabbi Avi Shulman of Temple Beth Torah in Fremont sent out a this message to his congregation.

One of my favorite passages in Pirkei Avot consists of three couplets by Hillel. Here they are interspersed with my own comments:

“A boor does not fear sin,
And the ignorant cannot be models of piety.”

It’s striking that the English word for an oaf echoes the Hebrew word ‘bor.’ A ‘bor’ is an empty pit, which is synonymous with someone who is empty-headed.
Above all else, Hillel valued knowledge of Torah. Yet he esteemed knowledge not merely for its own sake but so learning would lead to righteous behavior.

“A bashful person does not learn,
And the short-tempered cannot teach.”

I can recall many students who would sit quietly in class while others did most of the talking. Yet Hillel reminds students to speak-up. Productive learning takes place when students are engaged. Just as importantly, it is vital for teachers to welcome class in-put and participation. Instructors who are short-tempered intimidate their students, deteriorating the learning environment.

“Not all who succeed in business are wise.
In a place where there are no people* strive to be one.”

Hillel reminds us not to give undue deference to people who are successful in business. Tevye in Fiddler in the Roof may long to be a rich man, singing “When you are rich they think you really know.” Hillel informs us that material success is not synonymous with wisdom.

In the concluding verse, Hillel admonishes us to act morally even when others are behaving inhumanely. He encourages us to strive for virtue, even when others are not. No matter the circumstances, Hillel inspires us to be our best selves, to aspire to be a mensch.

This is a message that I want students to take to heart.
SPEAK UP
DON'T STAY WITH A TEACHER WHO IS INTIMIDATING

Jewish tradition values study, questions, and argument (for the sake of heaven). Don't be silent. Participate in your own learning.

*The original, as you can imagine, says “man” or mensch – a good person. Where there are no good people, strive to be one. You can read the original text here.

Attending Shiva - some guidelines

6/2/2019

Recently Rabbi Cory Helfand of Peninsula Sinai Congregation sent out a very useful guide to attending shiva - especially for first timers. He gave me permission to share it.

Attending Shiva
Shiva calls can be hard to make, especially if it is your first time. The information below aims to help prepare you to make a shiva call. Learn how to give comfort to Jewish relatives or friends in mourning.

Enter the shiva house quietly
Mourners are not expected to greet people at the door, and you don't want to interrupt if the service has already begun. Give a quiet knock, and then quietly walk inside the house. Please do not ring the doorbell.

Enter the room of the mourner quietly
The best way to greet the mourner is to sit down quietly near him or her. There is no expectation of a "greeting" between the mourner and the shiva caller. But if you want to give the mourner a hug or handshake, then you can do this. However, try to avoid everyday lines like "How are you?"

Respond to the mourner
If the mourner speaks to you, respond. But if they are quiet, then it is okay just to sit quietly in the room. It is tiring for the mourner to talk all day long, and he or she might prefer to just sit quietly in your company. If the mourner wants to talk, spend time listening and if the space presents itself, talk about the person who has passed away. If the mourner feels like talking, you can tell stories and share memories about the person who passed away with the mourner. Everyone mourns differently, and shiva is the time to be present for the mourner in whatever way is most meaningful to them.

Food and drinks
Mourners are not expected to be hosts, but those who are close to the mourners might offer some refreshments to shiva callers. It is acceptable if you want to bring some refreshments to the home - nuts, dried fruit, cakes, casseroles ... - for the bereaved family, but remember to respect the level of kosher observance of the shiva home.

Traditional Statement of Comfort in Judaism
The following statement of comfort is traditionally said to mourners - in Hebrew or English - just before leaving the shiva house.

May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.
Ha-Makom y'nachem et'chem b'toch sha'ar aveilei Tzion v'Yerushalayim.

Leave the shiva house quietly
Again, mourners are not expected to be hosts and see people to the door. Some people say the traditional line above, nod to the bereaved, and then leave quietly. Others give the mourners a hug or hand shake, and walk out quietly.

Converting, then finding out you're already Jewish

5/29/2019

(Image: Seth/Shais and Susan)

There are so many people who wish they'd find out that they are already Jewish. It actually happened to Seth St. Martin! I asked him to share his story with us. Here it is.

“A Safe Space for Me”
Kol Nidre Speech at Congregation B’nai Emuunah in 2015
by Seth “Shais” St. Martin

My parents always told me, that “Religion is not for children.” It is something that, when done right, is fluid and nuanced. It can be dangerous when over-simplified by a child or by an adult. Now, don’t get me wrong. I grew up in the church. I was an altar boy when I was 7 and thrown into the car naked on multiple occasions when running late for church. “Get dressed on the way”, my mother would scold. “We are not going to be late. And put on your seatbelt.” But even with regular church attendance, I never had religion pushed on me. My parents found the right community, filled with gentle people who let their lives stand as testaments to their beliefs. I remember no dogma, and no judgment. My parents created a safe space for me to be introduced to faith and ritual and I don’t really have any baggage about religion from my childhood. For that, I am grateful.

But the church wasn’t for me. As I got older and learned what Christian beliefs were, I knew I couldn’t stay. Luckily, I had the unconditional love of my family and my community. And they created a safe space for me to leave.

At the age of 17, I began to learn about Judaism. I read the book “Basic Judaism”, by Milton Steinberg. I remember this as truly a dry and dated text, but the ideas inside were exhilarating. For me, it was a window into a worldview that matched my own. I asked my mother to take me to a synagogue and soon looked into conversion. The twist in my conversion story, however, is that my maternal grandmother happened to be Jewish and that I, according to Jewish Law, was already Jewish. Nonetheless, my Rabbi at the time [Rabbi Bloom of Congregation B’nai Israel in Sacramento, CA], recommended conversion as it was the best program to teach me how to be Jewish. It made sense at the time, but I soon moved away [to attend university] and never finished that conversion program. Over the next four years, I spent my days exploring the worlds of reform, conservative and orthodox Judaism. I regularly davened with hippie mystics with piercings and uptight chasids with long beards and black hats. I started and dropped out of several conversion programs because I just couldn’t find a safe place where I could be confident I my own skin. I was always insecure about my place in the Jewish world.

I couldn’t be a good born Jew because I had no cultural memory or identity to draw upon…and I couldn’t be a good convert as I wasn’t really willing to accept blindly all of the theological and legal tenets placed in front of me. There just was no safe place for me to be myself and feel Jewish at the same time.

I found my safe place, however, when I received a great big bear hug from a tall, skinny Chasid with a thick British accent. Rabbi Kaye [of Chabad of the East Bay] was the first Rabbi I had ever met who made me feel like he truly cared about me. He made his time with me a priority and he would drop anything to do Jewish things with me, whether study or practice. He was enthusiastic to the point of ridiculousness, and he helped me learn to create my own safe space for Judaism wherever I went. If you have spoken with me before about my relationship with Judaism, I am sure you have heard me quote Rabbi Kaye. And I won’t even try to do his accent. “Don’t let the things that you don’t do, stop you from doing the things that you should do,” he said to me one day. “I don’t care about the parts of your life where you don’t do Jewish things. I just care about supporting you when you do Jewish things.” He told me these words after he handed me a kippah and invited me to wear it around the UC Berkeley campus for a day. I had some serious reservations with this proposal at the time. Who was I to wear a kippah. I didn’t keep kosher. I wasn’t shomer shabbos. I had serious theological differences with orthodoxy in general. I was worried about what this symbol would mean to non-Jews. And I was even more worried about what this symbol would mean to Jews. But Rabbi Kaye didn’t care about those things…He didn’t judge me for how I practiced my Judaism and he didn’t judge me for my fears and concerns about wearing a kippah in public He just wanted me to be proud of my Judaism. And he wanted me to experience something new. He wanted me to explore this part of our shared tradition and see if it touched me…to see if I could find meaning and value in it. And so wore the kippah, and it was transformative. It was a reminder that I am a Jew and, though I shouldn’t worry about living up to other people’s expectations of what that meant, I should live up to my expectations of what that meant. I was reminded of my obligation to live up to my highest ideal. And my journey was about trying to figure out what that highest ideal was. A large part of the reason I wear a kippah today came from this encounter.

At the age of 21, I asked Rabbi Kaye about conversion. He said not to worry about it, gave me a big hug and told me that I was as already a perfectly authentic Jew. I just needed to catch up on some rituals… so. He scheduled a visit to the mikvah. I picked my Hebrew name. And I had an intimate encounter with a spring loaded needle. Though I was technically born a Jew, this was the day I completed my conversion.

My years studying with Rabbi Kaye instilled in me a delight of learning Jewish ideas and trying Jewish rituals. I found a teacher that gave me the freedom to love my Jewish self, regardless of what ideas rang true to me…regardless of what rituals I felt like incorporating into my life. I just had to keep trying new things. And I had to keep trying old things in case I was new. My experience with Rabbi Kaye gave me the confidence to create my own safe space to explore Judaism on my terms, wherever I went, as long as I never stopped exploring.

But in time, it wasn’t just about creating a safe space for me. I needed to create a safe space for others. In 2008, Susan and I got married. Susan was raised Catholic and her Christianity is a very important part of her identity. Most interfaith couples I have met, seem to bridge their differences by one or both partners distancing themselves from their respective traditions. For Susan and me, however, we knew that we would have to find a home within in each other’s traditions. We needed to find communities that focused on creating safe spaces for us to be together and be ourselves. About a year after our wedding, we were lucky to find All Saints’ Episcopal Church where we attend Mass weekly. To my knowledge, I am the first open non-christian, actively practicing another religion, to be welcomed in as a full member of an Episcopalian parish. Bishop Marc Andrus wrote a brand-new ceremony of welcoming for me, a Jew, into his community. And believe it or not, it is a place where I constantly find myself challenged and inspired to become a better person and a better Jew.

Shortly after this, we found Congregation B’nai Emunah. We were welcomed by this community from the moment we walked in the door. Like the community of my childhood, there was no dogma and there was no judgment. Rabbi Mark truly made me feel like he cared about me. Chaya Roberts made me and my family a priority. Sharon Bleviss would drop anything to do Jewish things with me and help me create a Jewish space. B’nai Emunah was and is a safe space for me to do Jewish things. It is a safe space for my Christian wife to do Jewish things. It is a safe space for our son, Jomar to do Jewish things. It didn’t take long for me to feel that this was my community. I felt overwhelming gratitude and an obligation to maintain it as a safe space for others in need. As I had no treasure to donate, it was time and talent that I could give to my community. I joined the board a year after walking through the door. I helped to create new programming that brought Judaism to young adults where they were…in the bars. And I participated in the first Adult B’nai Mitzvah class, finally becoming a man at 31. I felt privileged to work in front of and behind the camera, as it were, sustaining the safe space that is B’nai Emunah.

When I was new to B’nai Emunah, I had a conversation with Gregg Jackson about my career as a geologist. Gregg told me that, if I didn’t like what I was doing for a living, that I should quit and go find something that I was passionate about. It was annoying advice at the time, but I never forgot our conversation. I never forgot how zealous he was about the need to follow one’s passions. Five years later, I took that advice and became your administrator here at Congregation B’nai Emunah. Thank you Gregg. It was good advice. In my new role at B’nai Emunah, I can dedicate myself to learning Jewish Ideas, trying Jewish rituals, and most importantly, sustaining this as a safe space for everyone to be Jewish, for years to come.

A Jewish Community in Mexico is Growing through Conversion

4/29/2019

(Image: San Miguel de Allenda)

I came across this article in Tablet Magazine about the increasing number of Mexicans who have chosen to convert to Judaism in the small community of San Miguel de Allende. The rabbi who has assisted many of them is Rabbi Juan Mejia. I have heard repeatedly that it is quite difficult to find rabbis who will perform conversions in Mexico. For people in Mexico, maybe this is a useful resource.

The Jews of San Miguel de Allende
As a community of North American expats has expanded in Mexico, dozens of local converts have joined their ranks

Use Films to Expand Your Jewish Knowledge

4/26/2019

Years ago a Jewish woman told me that her husband (not Jewish) was more of a visual than an auditory learner so she asked, did I have any suggestions for films that he could watch to learn about Judaism. The answer is YES! There are sooo many movies that help someone new to Judaism to deepen their knowledge of Judaism. The most common film people think of is Fiddler on the Roof. Yes, it's a lovely film, but it doesn't really give a full picture. The film was released in 1971 and so much has come out since then, and honestly, even before then. Sure, you can start with Fiddler, but don't stop there.

There's a nice website, Rabbi at the Movies, that lists a number of Jewish films with a review by a rabbi. It will expand your options.

But let me list a number of useful films in no particular order. Do please share your favorite films in the comments.

The Chosen, 1981
Yentl, 1983
The Frisco Kid, 1979
The Wedding Plan, 2016
The Women's Balcony, 2016
No Place on Earth, 2013
My Mexican Shiva, 2007
Phoenix, 2014
Persona Non Grata, 2016
Yoo Hoo Mrs. Goldberg, 2009
Rashevski's Tango, 2003

This list should get you started in many directions! Just keep going.

Can I Convert a Second Time?

1/23/2019

Let me point out that the editor of this article for the J weekly is NOT a Jew by choice and did not understand the article. Thus, the online title is not a good one.

The question asked by the writer is not about shul membership, but about personal Jewish identity.

Dear Dawn: I am single and converted to Judaism more than eight years ago. I worked with a wonderful Reform rabbi. Since my conversion with him I have continued to do a lot of studying at every opportunity. I’ve learned from rabbis from all the movements. Study has opened my eyes to the beauty of a more traditional practice and I have come to believe that the right Jewish practice for me involves behaviors that my fellow Reform Jews often put down, like kashrut and keeping Shabbat. I’m less and less comfortable with the limited knowledge of Jewish text that my fellow congregants have. I am considering having a Conservative conversion and becoming a member at my local Conservative shul where I’ve felt more at home. I want more friends who practice as I aspire to and to be involved in a community where observing Shabbat weekly and practicing all the holidays is a given. How do I do this without hurting the feelings of my dear rabbi and my many Reform friends? As a convert I feel a certain loyalty to my congregation.
— Wanting to do this graciously

Dear Gracious: First, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your changing practices and beliefs. Humans change their faith beliefs and behaviors all the time. I suspect that your increased observance and learning has been noted by your friends and, quite possibly, your rabbi.
I won’t deny that there are some rabbis who take the departure of a congregant personally and are unhappy. However, Jews are always moving between the various streams of Judaism and levels of practice and the rabbis see it every day. For your rabbi, instead of losing interest in what he has made his life’s work, you are increasing your interest and engagement. Your heightened learning and practice may actually please him. You are not the first Jew to disagree with him on how to be a Jew. I believe that, while he may be sad to lose you, he will take pride in knowing that he converted a person who is deeply committed to Judaism.
I suggest you make an appointment with him and explain your deepening desire to integrate Jewish practice into your daily life. He may question you in order to fully understand how you came to your decision. He may want you to try to remain at his shul and adopt the practices you mention. This is certainly an option. However, as you mentioned, the way to have friends who consistently observe Shabbat and the Jewish holidays is to join a community where that is expected and commonplace. I think your rabbi will understand. Just as he is making the decision to be Reform observant for reasons that make sense to him, you are making the decision to adopt a Conservative practice for reasons that make sense to you. He may simply want to hear about your process.
In regard to your Reform friends, it may be kinder to focus on your desire for a synagogue life that has more Hebrew, reads the entire Torah portion, uses the standard prayers, etc., than to talk in terms of individual practice level. There is no need to create a comparison in which they fall short of your mark. You still love them and want to be friends. If they are good friends they will learn to adapt to your changes. If you were to become vegan they would alter the menu when you come for dinner; they can do the same for kashrut. Anyone who would deprive you of your spiritual journey because it has not remained stagnant or does not match theirs is not much of a friend.
I suggest that you start attending the Conservative synagogue regularly before you say anything. Notice what about the service and the community you particularly like and want in your life. That way you’ll be describing things that you are adding to your Jewish life, rather than telling your rabbi and friends that you are reducing their presence. If you can, give specific examples: I like the longer Shabbat service and Torah reading. I like being invited home for lunch by other congregants. I like having many fellow congregants who put up a Sukkah, attend Torah study, and are familiar with the Mishnaic texts.
Ask yourself, one, what am I looking for, and two, am I getting it in this new synagogue? Being able to answer those questions will give you the language to articulate your journey to others.
You can certainly become involved in the life of the Conservative shul and then meet with the rabbi to explain your desire for a second conversion. The rabbi may feel that you don’t need one. So it may be up to you: Do you feel the need for an act that transitions you from Reform to Conservative? If so, you can find a rabbi to accommodate you. Or call me and I'll help you find a rabbi.

How did you choose your Hebrew name?

1/23/2019

(A necklace of the name, Elisheva from the website www.israelblessing.com Take a look. They are quite beautiful.)

The Jewish online magazine Kveller offered an article titled, Call Me By My (Hebrew) Name. We sent the article to the list and asked about people's reactions.

Nadav replied this way in regard to choosing his own name.

Recently I have been going by my Hebrew name from school to work and when meeting others.
The reason I picked out the name Nadav is that I wanted a name that was strongly contemporary in the Jewish world (in Israel it is somewhat modern) but yet it is a Hebrew name and defines my Judaism. I wanted to choose something "different" or not too common. I did not want to go by Moshe, Menachem, or Ya'akov. I considered those names since I thought they were "very Jewish". There is this artist in Israel that represented Israel in the 2015 Eurovision Song Contest and his name is Nadav and I liked it so that is how I chose my Hebrew name. I have thought of changing it to my legal name but haven’t yet.
I have been told modern Hebrew speakers that my name means “generous” and I think it fits me pretty well.

Note: Yes, Nadav does indeed mean “generous” or “noble” and is the name of the priest Aaron’s eldest son.

After the Pittsburgh Shootings (2)

11/8/2018

(photo taken by Sue Fishkoff, from the Jweekly coverage of bay area vigils for the victims of the Tree of Life killings.)

A woman who converted here in the Bay Area travels for work and lives for months at a time in Italy. She too replied to my question, "How are you doing after the Pittsburgh murders?"

From Binah:
I woke up this morning and ventured into the courtyard.
I smelled the signature crisp Fall air filled with lavender,
the heavy rain since last night infused with such beautiful smell.
A beautiful moment--
     made with all the right elements to uplift any walking soul on earth.
A beautiful moment--
     resonating the smell of clean innocent love on this tranquil Sunday morning.

But I have this heaviness in my heart,
and this uneasiness in my soul,
from the tragic event at Tree of Life synagogue the day prior.
I got a message from my dear friend here in Milano last night
immediately when she heard about the tragedy on Italian news.
A kind soul distraught by the hatred in this world, she is.
I had already heard of the news by that point.
But, for a moment I was still in loss of words.
How do one response to the existence of such hatred?
Does God exist, really exist?

The consolation I offered was to ask her to stay strong.
As kindred souls we are here to radiate the hope and love
we carry with the core of our souls into this world.
We are the product of love & lust of the moment.
We refuse to yield to adversity bestow upon us.
Adonai li v’lo ira

The late Lutheran pastor Martin Niemöller’s poem rings in my ear…

First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out--
     Because I was not a socialist.
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out--
     Because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out--
   Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

Reactions after the Pittsburgh Murders

11/8/2018

San Francisco Chronicle Editorial following the Tree of Life murders

It felt quite reasonable that some individuals who were working towards conversion to Judaism would, following the terrible murders at the synagogue, Tree of Life, have second thoughts. Why not walk away before you too are caught up in the murder of Jews? Frankly, I believe that is just fine. No one should be forced into a dangerous situation against their will. I emailed the folks on the Seekers list and the Jews by Choice list to see how everyone was holding up. I asked them to be honest. Here are some of their answers.

SF Seeker
Thank you, Dawn, for this amazing message. Honestly - since starting the intro to Judaism class I have never felt SO connected and so RIGHT about anything in my life.
After last week's horrific events, I only felt stronger in my decision to move forward. Though it is scary, I really do feel like continuing down this path towards conversion is the right decision for me.
Yes, it's been a really difficult few days :( It was great to take the 3rd Intro to Judaism class yesterday because the sense of community was amazing. Unfortunately, though, I felt the heightened security at the gate and it was pretty jarring.

Non-white Jew by choice in Oakland
To answer your question, I’m a mess!! I chose this community because we are just that, A COMMUNITY. When I was struggling to find my way, spiritually, the Jews took me in and made me feel valued, a part of something larger. I felt it at temple on Sunday, a sense of community, family, and belonging as we sang songs and prayed.
Am I afraid? You bet! Am I angry, absolutely! Do I feel I made a good spiritual decision? Everyday.
I am motivated more then ever to Tikkun olam, healing the world. I was in London recently and on monument quote said it all.
“Patriotism is not enough I must have no hatred or bitterness for anyone”
It starts with me.

Seeker outside CA
Thank you for reaching out. I was viscerally affected by the Pittsburgh massacre. I couldn’t cry in front of kids because I didn’t want to explain that innocent people were killed because the light Shabbat candles like us. I was nervous at first but showed up to my Judaism class on Sunday. I was glad to see the police on site. Yesterday, I attended a Vigil and was moved to tears hearing El Male Rachamim being sung. I already feel Jewish and come from Jewish people so this has not dissuaded me.

Jew by choice couple outside CA
Thank you for this email. We are all shocked and deeply wounded by the murders of our people at Temple Or L'Simchat. Our community here is small but, very tightly knit.
We will attend a Vigil on Saturday evening, here to honor and mourn our brothers and sisters in Pittsburg. We will continue to be very involved with our temple and do our best to be among B'nei Or. So, in answer to your question, we are doing well, studying and growing.

Jew by Choice in CA
I am doing just OK. It's been an intense week and I really appreciate you reaching out as I feel like I need to vent. When you wrote "VERY HONEST" in capital letters, I felt compelled to reply. :)
I am struggling as many others are. I worked for an airline on 9/11 and the same feelings of tremendous anxiety, sadness and fear are resurfacing again. It's a double-whammy because I feel deep sadness for the entire city of Pittsburgh, especially the Tree of Life community, and it's also the reality that "this could have easily been me." I'm not just a Jew now, I am the spouse of a rabbi and I spend several hours a week in a synagogue. And it's so horrible that what's become my happy place, the temple, has now lost its sense of safety and security.
I'm sure you are getting a lot of e-mails from people sharing the same fears and sadness. I'm certainly not the only one. Over 400 people showed up for a vigil at my shul this week. I am totally distracted this week and I feel like it's even taking a toll on my physical state. I have felt "off" all week (feeling like I am coming down with something) and I had a massive headache this morning. I think it's all connected to the events on Saturday.

Building Your Connection to Judaism and Jewish Community

10/31/2018

One of the difficulties that a Jew by choice may face AFTER conversion is not feeling truly connected to Judaism. Working with your rabbi, meeting regularly, having meaningful conversations, ends eventually. If you convert as a single person without any Jewish family you may feel bereft.

After the 2018 High Holy Days I was thrilled to receive an email from a single Jew by Choice, Miri, who shared this with me:

I really enjoyed singing in the choir this year for the High Holy Days and am still riding on the high of that. And Yom Kippur has become my FAVORITE Jewish Holiday. I love the self searching introspection and deep personal connections that I've come to experience on YK each year. While it's great that this holiday is a big-deal-once-a-year thing, I would like to have the same depth of experience on the other holidays.

To that end - the connection part - I've volunteered to chant Torah at the upcoming Nishma service. This will be the first time that I've chanted since my B'nai Mitzvah so I'm really looking forward to doing it.

My getting involved with my temple is a direct result of your guidance and coaching. Having grown up in Christianity where you are "saved" by someone else, I hadn't fully come to the realization that I and I alone am responsible for my connection with others. I had somehow expected people to do it for me, but that's not how we do it in Judaism. We need to reach out and when we do, we find support. This was the BEST piece of advice anyone ever gave me along my conversion path.

While I applaud this woman's spirit I believe that those of us who are already connected to a synagogue community need to make the effort to bring in the new people who appear in our midst. Don't hesitate to say hello to a new face at the oneg.