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A Cantor Kvells about Conversion

7/3/2015

Cantor Jennie Chabon of B'nai Tikvah in Walnut Creek sent out a beautiful email to her congregants about her delight in serving on a beit din for a young woman.

You'll enjoy reading it.

Chaverim,

Some days are just good. Good for the soul, good for the world, good for the Jews. Tuesday was one of those days.

Rabbi Gutterman and I participated in a beit din and mikveh for a young woman in our congregation with whom I had been working towards conversion for the last couple of years. She's an incredibly thoughtful person who felt moved to convert because she's married to a Jewish man, and they want to raise children with two Jewish parents. This is not unusual. According to Anita Diamant, ninety percent of converts to Judaism have a Jewish partner. But though her marriage inspired her to convert, it was clear to us during her beit din that she is meant to be Jewish all on her own. At the end of her beit din, our third witness, Rabbi Ruth Adar, said simply, "I see a Jewish soul." That's when you know that the journey towards conversion is complete. It's not mastery of liturgy or Torah or Hebrew that makes a person feel ready to convert. It's an internal shift that is visible to the people witnessing the transformation.

What made her ceremony Tuesday morning particularly moving was that she was not immersing in the mikveh alone. She was taking her baby girl with her, so that they could both reemerge as Jews. According to Reform Jewish law, her baby was Jewish already because her father is Jewish, but these parents wanted to start their Jewish journey together on the same day, in the same sacred moment of immersion. As it says in Yevamot 47B, "As soon as the convert immerses and emerges, he is a Jew in every respect."

I have hardly ever seen anything as beautiful as that moment on Tuesday morning: two parents in the mikveh holding their naked little girl, committing her to a Jewish life by immersing her in holy waters. And they had to be brave! It's not easy to willingly submerge your baby underwater, for even just a couple of seconds. She came up crying from the shock of the water, but somehow that seems fitting too. The Jewish path, meaningful and joyful as it is, is not easy. She went through something surprising and maybe a little scary, and her parents were there to guide and cradle her through it. Like I said, some days are just good.

It is a blessing to the Jewish community whenever someone converts to Judaism. I feel honored each and every time I get to witness that moment, and I learn something valuable from every person. We are a stronger and brighter people because of the many souls who feel called to join us on our winding path. This Shabbat, I will send out extra songs and blessings to the newest Jewish family in our congregation, with gratitude for their decision to enrich not only our own congregation, but the entire Jewish people.

Shabbat shalom,

Cantor Chabon

NOTE TO BAY AREA RESIDENTS: The Anita Diamant statistic that 90% of converts have a Jewish partner is not true here. In fact, it is probably no longer true in America. Here in the bay area many more single people and non-Jewish couples are converting.

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Hatafat Dam Brit / Brit Milah

3/28/2014

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in the Orthodox and Conservative branches of Judaism, an uncircumcised man who wishes to convert must undergo a circumcision and hatafat dam brit (ritual drawing of a drop of blood). Here is one man's story of the experience.

Hatafat Dam Brit (ritual drawing of a drop of blood)
As the date of their beit din (rabbinic court) nears, many intended gerim (converts) grow especially nervous about one “last detail” of the conversion process, the hatafat dam brit (literally, the drop of blood covenant), or symbolic circumcision. The hatafat dam brit is a requisite part of conversion to Judaism because brit milah (the covenant of circumcision), is a sacred rite as much as it is a surgical procedure. If an intended male convert to Judaism was circumcised prior to his conversion, that non-religious procedure doesn’t substitute for brit milah. The would-be ger (convert) must undergo hatafat dam brit to meet the ritual requirements of entrance into the Jewish covenant. During the rite, a mohel or rabbi draws a drop of blood from just under the glans of the penis, where the foreskin is attached on an uncircumcised member.

Like most of my fellow male gerim, I was a bit anxious about this aspect of my conversion. I knew that my beit din, hatafat dam brit, and mikveh visit were slated to take place in quick succession, all in the course of about two hours, provided that my time with the beit din satisfied the participating rabbis. It did. The three rabbis, two of whom I knew and one of whom I did not, had read my conversion statement the night before and, to my delight and relief, thought highly of it. The four of us talked at length; it felt less like an interview (or court) than a conversation between people excited about Judaism and Jewish identity. Eventually, we realized we’d talked beyond the allotted time, so I hurried off to the changing room to disrobe and prepare for the hatafat dam brit and the mikveh.

Once I’d changed into a bath robe and bath slippers, I let the rabbis know that I was ready for them to enter. The rabbis, all men, entered the bathroom and instructed me to sit on a bench, open the bathrobe at the waist, and try to relax. The first two instructions were easily complied with; the third, a little more challenging! One of the rabbis then pinched together some of the skin of my penis and used a small, spring-loaded lancet (similar to that which diabetic individuals use to check their blood sugar levels) to prick the bunched skin. He then used a small piece of cotton gauze to dab the skin so that a tiny drop of blood stained the cotton. Finally, he showed the gauze and blood mark to the two other rabbis. Agreeing that they’d all seen the blood, they recited the bracha (blessing) for the rite. And that was that. It was time for me to follow them into the room containing the mikveh.

Adult Circumcision
When men ask me about this experience, they always want to know if the hatafat dam brit hurt. Honestly, I don’t remember any pain at all. That doesn’t mean, however, that hatafat dam brit isn’t an uncomfortable part of the conversion process. No matter the context, having your penis inspected, pinched, and poked can be awkward and unsettling. Additionally, everything is relative in our experience. I consider the pain of the rite alongside that associated with my adult circumcision, which I’d had several months prior to the hatafat dam brit. Although I was under general anesthetic during the medical procedure itself, the recovery from the circumcision lasted about two months and it was unpleasant and, at times, quite painful. Perhaps, then, even a painful hatafat dam brit experience would have been seen by me as relatively easy?

If intended gerim have particular questions for me about brit milah or hatafat dam brit, I am happy to answer them.

If you would like to be put in touch with this writer, contact Dawn at dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org

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My Beit Din

1/22/2014

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The Beit Din for my conversion consisted of two of my congregational rabbis and the third was the director of education.

I prepared for the questions like an interview. Here is a list of questions I thought they’d ask, complete with the image of a 1,000-watt light bulb trained on my perspiring face:

1. What’s your favorite story in the Torah? Or, in a slightly different take, with which character did you identify? My favorite story? That’s a little tough, as Torah study has only introduced me to a few, and they’re in Judges. And most of what I found were pictures of human weakness, not people I admire, although there are qualities I admire in these very human characters. I chose Miriam for this anticipated question.

Did they ask this? No.

2. What would your house look like on Shabbat? Or, conversely, and I have to say I love this one, what would your house be like to a blind man or woman if they’re entering your house on Shabbat? I really thought about this one a lot, and, kind of after the thought, tried to make my home resemble this mental dream.

Did they ask this? No.

3. What do you like about Judaism, and what do think you dislike about it?
The answer to the first part of this one is in my essay as to why I chose to make this journey, so I didn’t really have to prepare for this one.

Did they ask this? In a way. The second part of the question was reformed to: What issue concerning Judaism do you struggle with? Is there anything you’ll miss?

My answer to the first concerned Jews fighting Jews. I will never understand that. And the second was: Christmas music. One of the rabbis, hysterically, agreed with me, not that he missed it but that there was an incessant song in his brain this morning that wouldn’t go away.

That’s pretty much what I prepared for. I had several questions about my story, how I came to Judaism. One particularly pointed question about passion, where my passion lay. There were other questions, but the rest is a blur.

Speaking of the Jewish pool, let me make one point about the mikveh: it was not at all how I pictured. The rabbi is nowhere near you, as the stairs leading down go away from her. But it was warm and pardon me for saying this, very womb-like.

Was I nervous about the court? A little. I tried to focus on the three of them, engaging them in an enjoyable conversation and not make my answers too long. I think I failed on the passion one. Too much passion.

I think when I go to synagogue in the future I look forward to a discussion very much like my beit din. An engagement of minds and exploration of ideas. Only this time, I’ll be a member of the club and not nervous at all.

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My Beit Din #4: I Arranged My Own Beit Din

4/30/2013

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From Dawn: This is the only case I have heard of where the seeker assembled their own Beit Din. Your rabbi should do this, not you. If you have any questions about this, please contact us.

This conversation began here.

For my conversion, I had to find and arrange the rabbis for my own beit din. We all got comfortable with each other in advance; I knew each of them: one had been my Judaism 101 teacher, one had been my congregational rabbi for the previous 5 years, and one had led me specifically in my year-long study and approach to my conversion.... They had already asked me whatever questions they were concerned about, and I had already answered them. I had already asked them if they would approve of my conversion, and each had said yes. So, though I was still nervous for my beit din, I knew in my head that none of the three rabbis was possibly going to humiliate me on my big day.

The one question that was hard for me at my actual beit din was: what about giving up christmas. I shared, as I had planned to do, that we would continue the family tradition of visiting with grandma at christmastime and enjoying the festivities she would provide. Then they asked: what about when she passes away? Tear sprang to my eyes at that thought.... But I answered that in her honor, we might continue to remember the loving events we had shared by having a small tree in my home, and I emphasized that the holiday was one of family togetherness and acceptance, not a religious event.

Now some 10 years on, I realize that absolutely no one is looking over my shoulder to see whether I still "deserve" my Jewish identity, so I could totally put up a tree or any other thing I cared to do or felt I needed to do. but for now, we still spend christmas with grandma.

About "passing" your beit din, or possibly "flunking"... think of how humiliating that would be for the rabbi you have been working with who was guiding you toward your conversion; if the others don't approve of you or your preparation, it is a total slap at that rabbi's judgment...they're not likely to do that to their fellow rabbi, even if you don't feel confident that they wouldn't humiliate you that way.

Also, since you have the questions in advance, write yourself some notes in answer to them. You can read them at your beit din if you get flustered.

Best of luck, I imagine it will be just fine.

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My Beit Din #3: Be Authentic

4/30/2013

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Hello Future Tribe Mate,

My rabbi did not provide me with any questions from which to start my essay for the beit din. He left it open ended, and wanted it to come from us: what WE thought was important for them to know about us as future Jews and our Jewish journeys. In some ways I wish he had provided questions for us to answer because it would have been easier to start with something.

But, from nothing came 17 or so pages, double-spaced, of an essay that I presented to my beit din.

I think what would matter most to me were I a member of a beit din is that you were authentic to yourself. Some people are funny. If you are, inject some humor. Some people are verbose. If you are, feel free to take as long as you need to answer a question. If you are naturally concise, there is no reason that your essay shouldn't include brief answers that can be used as a jumping off point for the discussion with the beit din.

I think another thing that I would want to stress to people coming before "my court" would be that they shouldn't feel pressured to answer in specific ways: there (barring a few extreme cases like believing in Jesus as Christ or feeling coerced into doing this for your future spouse's sake) aren't right or wrong answers. If you don't know how to answer a question yet, be honest. Share your struggle; you are wherever you're at in your Jewish journey and that's okay.

But I think that the most important thing I'd want them to know is that this is NOT a final exam; nope, it's just the beginning. This is like getting your driver's license - now you get to go so many places and it's so exciting to see where you will take yourself.

If I had to guess about what information your rabbi was seeking with these questions, I'd say:

1 - What was your religious background prior to Judaism? How did you first learn about Judaism?

2 - What ideas about how to live life, what life's all about, and our purpose in life and society did you read about and have light bulb, "aha!" moments with? What rituals do you love, even if you yourself don't do them?

3 - If I were to follow you around for a week or month, how would I know you're Jewish? What Jewish things do you do, or what things do you do Jewishly on a regular basis? If I were to follow you around for the same period of time next year, five years from now, and ten years from now, what new things would you hope for me to see you doing?

4 - How do you feel telling your family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors that you're Jewish? How did/do you integrate yourself into your community? What Jewish people do you interact with and how? How do you feel about Israel, about France/UK/Argentina/FSU and other areas with lots of Jews?

5 - What subject do you want to learn more about? Where will you turn when you want to know more? What are formal and informal ways of learning?

Kol tuv!

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My Beit Din #2: Rely on the Gates of Prayer

4/30/2013

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The questions seem pretty user-friendly. (See questions here.) They are similar to ones I wrote about in my essay and we discussed in the beit din.

The Rabbis touched upon the themes of my essay during my beit din. Since I had already thought a lot about what I wrote, I found the beit din pretty relaxed. I had a Reform rabbi, a Conservative rabbi and a Conservative Cantor present. It took place at an Orthodox temple. I had reflected on the passage below (from the Gates of Prayer) in my essay and we chatted some about this during the beit din. It was very conversational. We sat in a circle and had a conversation. I did not feel "on stage" or being "quizzed" at all. I would say, put a lot of energy into your essay and the beit din will flow easily from that.

From The Gates of Prayer
I am a Jew because the faith of Israel demands of me no abdication of the mind.
I am a Jew because the faith of Israel requires of me all the devotion of my heart.
I am a Jew because in every place where suffering weeps, the Jew weeps.
I am a Jew because at every time when despair cries out, the Jew hopes.
I am a Jew because the word of Israel is the oldest and the newest.
I am a Jew because the promise of Israel is the universal promise.
I am a Jew because, for Israel, the world is not completed; we are completing it.
I am a Jew because, for Israel, humanity is not created; we are creating it.
I am a Jew because Israel places humanity and its unity above the nations and above Israel itself.
I am a Jew because, above humanity, image of the divine Unity, Israel places the unity which is divine.

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My Beit Din: Answer the Rabbi's Questions

4/30/2013

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My rabbi feels I am ready to go before the beit din. He gave me a list of questions to answer in an essay. I would love to hear from others what questions they were asked, what they wrote for their rabbis, and what the Beit Din was like. I am very nervous that I am not ready and will not "pass" the Beit Din.

Here are the questions:
1) Discuss the process that lead me to becoming Jewish.
2) What are the Jewish practices, values, and beliefs that I find most appealing?
3) describe my pattern of Jewish observance and how I hope to grow in observance.
4) Describe my sense of identification with the Jewish community and synagogue.
5) What are your plans for future Jewish study?

Here is this reader's answer:
I too worked myself into a tizzy over how I would "fail". What if they wouldn't let me in? What if everything I said was rubbish and they thought I wasn't good enough? What if, what if, what if.  That's because I misunderstood the point of the beit din. It's not a test, and even if you consider it one you'd be hard pressed to find enough "wrong" answers to fail. What they want to know is that you have a high level of sincerity and integrity. How that plays out is different for everyone, and they know that, so 10 different beit dins will elicit 10 different stories, but they'll all have high levels of sincerity and integrity. The fact that you have come this far and are fretting about it itself shows you are putting a lot of thought into it, and are thus sincere. They'll pick up on that.

How often you attend services and how well you know Hebrew and how you celebrate holidays, that's not what they want to know. They may ask you but only as a device to see what's behind it.  It's not like they're going to say "sorry, you failed because you didn't spend the required 200 hours in synagogue last year". There isn't a requirement like that, but there is a requirement that you you will attend as much as reasonably possible. Or perhaps you have a good reason to rarely attend, like if you are shy and prefer to study/pray/contemplate/etc. privately. They know that not everyone is a standout Barbra Streisand, but however your observances and study play out, are they honest?

They want to know that your decision to convert is sincere, that whatever your reason for doing so is true, and that once done you'll keep it up. If you say "well, I tried being a Catholic but I hate all that incense so I became a Hari Krishna but you know it's impossible to look good wearing an orange bedsheet so I thought I'd try being a Jew"...nah, that's not going to fly. You can be sure that rabbis hear from people like that, but much earlier in the process. You've "passed" at that level, and now your rabbi has essentially let you in by agreeing you should have the beit din.

I was torn by this issue: people said "if your rabbi thinks you're ready then so will the beit din rabbis", to which "I said, well, if it's that easy, why have the beit din at all? The fact that it exists means there's a chance of failure." I think with hindsight there isn't a chance of failure. They're not looking to keep you out, they're looking to invite you in. But it's a process, and even though you can't "fail," you do have to do it to prove that your motives are genuine.

I was struck by the warmth of my three beit din rabbis. It started off with one saying with a smile on her face, "so tell us, how is it that you are sitting here in front of us today?" which was a clear indication for me to answer item number 1 on your list. I had essentially the same list, even though mine was Reform in California. Remember that they will know you aren't "fully Jewish" in various observances and understandings, because you are a beginner. They don't expect you to have become "fully Jew-compliant" and then convert -- it's the other way around: you convert in order to become fully Jew-compliant, which is a life-long process.

Re: integrity, I think it's better to say "I don't know xyz and haven't done abc but I want to and I will and this is how I will," rather than recite the few things you have done. You aren't proving what's already happened, you are presenting how the future will be.

After all my worries of how I would fail, I now look back at my own beit din with great fondness and wish I could remember half of what I said! Good luck and please let us know how it turns out.

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Hatafat Dam Brit

5/16/2011

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While I was strongly encouraged to do a Hatafat Dam Brit, I was also told that my denomination (Renewal) would not require it. After talking to a couple of other male converts who said that it was meaningful for them, I decided to do it.

Since the Rabbi that was guiding my conversion was female, we worked with a male Rabbi who could help with the Hatafat Dam and the mikveh. Since he was not a Mohel, he asked a friend and more senior Conservative Rabbi who was a Mohel to supervise. The senior Rabbi served as one of the witnesses, and two other males from his congregation were called in as witnesses.

I admit that I was completely out of my body for the whole experience, which was done after Mariv services at the senior Rabbi’s schul. I was out of it since, honestly, hanging out the private parts in a Rabbi’s office in front of four other men was a bit much. Thank heavens my mother told me to always wear good underwear with no holes. The actual lancet (same as they use for diabetes tests on the finger) prick was negligible pain-wise, and the least of the considerations. I barely remember the brief prayers or being presented with my certificate. (And BTW, it did not hurt at all later—there was only a tiny scab the next day and then it was gone).

Immediately after my Brit, I was not sure how this could be meaningful to anyone. I was feeling like it was a combination of a trip to the dentist and a somewhat embarrassing mishap from grammar school.

However, a few days later I was at my synagogue for Friday Shabbat services, and then I understood. There was a profound sense of belonging that I had not quite ever felt before. Not to go too mystical, but it felt like I was suddenly connected to the Patriarchs, that they were present, and that I was therefore a definite part of the family. Nothing on the outside was different, only a few people in the room knew that I had undergone the Brit—but it made all the difference in the world to me. I sang louder and davened more deeply is how I would express it, and ultimately, felt a deep sense of being welcomed into the family.

KM

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Going to the Mikvah: My Experience, by DL

10/28/2010

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Before I went to the mikvah my rabbi emailed instructions to me. Here’s what I was told by my rabbi:

The mikvah is at Congregation Beth Jacob on Park Blvd (in Oakland). You ring the front door, and I will meet you in the lobby. The first step is meeting with the three rabbis for the beit din. You need to bring a $50 check made out to Congregation Beth Jacob to pay for use of the mikvah.

At the Beit Din, the three rabbis ask you questions. These are not fact-based questions but questions about what you like about Judaism, what you are doing currently in terms of Jewish observance, what Jewish holiday is meaningful to you, what Jewish books you are reading, connection to Israel. These are some examples, but they can ask you whatever they want. Often they ask you about things you wrote in your personal statement. This takes 10-15 minutes.

After your interview, and acceptance (I am 99.9% sure you will be accepted)*, you go into the mikvah. Wear no jewelry or makeup. You undress in the mikvah room, and the rabbis are in the next room. When you're ready to go in the water, you go in and call out "ready." For men a male rabbi will go in, and for women a female rabbi will go into the mikvah to supervise the immersion. The other rabbis from the beit din will wait outside within hearing range.

Here is the actual procedure inside the mikvah:

You go under the water three times. Go all the way, so the water covers your entire body, and recite the following blessing. If you don't have it memorized you can repeat after us.

Go under the first time and this is the blessing.

Baruch Ata Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha'olam asher kideshanu bemitzvotav vetzivanu al hatevila.

You then dunk a second time and recite the following blessing.

Baruch Ata Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha'olam shehecheyanu vekiamanu vehigianu lazman hazeh.

You then dunk a third time and recite the Shema.

Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad.

The final part of your conversion comes at synagogue, where we do a ceremony where you hold the Torah and we "name" you publicly.

*Of course, no one can guarantee you will be accepted but your rabbi will not take you before a beit din if he or she is not confident that you are ready.

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Going to the Mikvah: My Experience, by KM

10/12/2010

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I went to the mikvah on Sacramento Street in San Francisco, which is wonderful.

It was important to me to look like I took some time and had some consciousness about my appearance and the seriousness of the moment. I was going before my Beit Din just prior to immersion, and I was meeting friends later to celebrate for lunch—it was a really big day in my life, after all!

On the other hand, I realized that I would have to get in and out of these clothes, and would be a bit rushed and probably damp getting back into them after immersion. Ultimately, I realized I was NOT dressing to meet my maker, since the whole wonderful point of the mikvah is to meet my maker as I had been dressed for birth. That waylaid any concerns about needing to dress in a suit and tie with shiny black tie-up shoes. I suppose I ultimately dressed in what I would call “business casual” for lack of a better description. For me, that meant nice cotton khaki slacks, an oxford shirt (they dry quickly), a nice sports coat and loafers.

My actual experience in the mikvah was fantastic, and my Rabbi and the others on the Beit Din made it meaningful. I was allowed to invite very close family (three people) to the mikvah, and though they waited outside the tub area itself, they sang some niggunim and songs from the outer rooms with doors open so that I could hear them. It was a very powerful and beautiful experience to float in the water with the voices of my family and the Rabbis in the background. After the formal part of the process, I was told to spend some time in silence by myself reflecting on the moment. It was also very important to me to have had that moment of silence.

Also, I was treated to a very enthusiastic version of “Siman Tov and Mazel Tov” when I came out of the dressing room!

The Rabbi that convened my Beit Din was a woman, so she made sure that I had a man on the Beit Din to help me in the mikvah room itself. He had been the officiant for my Hatafat Dam Brit a few weeks earlier, but I knew him only slightly. At the mikvah, after the Beit Din approved me for conversion, he very thoroughly explained exactly what he was going to do, how he wanted me to cover my head for the prayers between dunks, and then gave me all the prompting I needed when I needed it. I was very glad that he did that, and it would have been great if he had done it a few days before. I was a bit nervous in the moment, and having at least heard what the actual ceremony would be like ahead of time would have helped as I could have prepared. I was a bit at a loss when every word of Hebrew suddenly seemed to have left my head.

The tachlichs thing that would have made a difference to me was if there had been a bit more coordination between my Rabbi and the mikvah manager, specifically around money. I would have been happy to come with a check in an envelope. As it was, it was odd to end my visit to the mikvah fumbling in the car to find my checkbook (which I fortunately had with me), then running back to write a check. It was a bit of a “clunk” in a wonderful day.

KM, male Renewal convert

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A Cantor Kvells about Conversion

Hatafat Dam Brit / Brit Milah

My Beit Din

My Beit Din #4: I Arranged My Own Beit Din

My Beit Din #3: Be Authentic

My Beit Din #2: Rely on the Gates of Prayer

My Beit Din: Answer the Rabbi's Questions

Hatafat Dam Brit

Going to the Mikvah: My Experience, by DL

Going to the Mikvah: My Experience, by KM

Thoughts from our Email List

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