BECOMING JEWISH
  • Welcome to Becoming Jewish!
  • What's New?
  • Reading Recommendations
  • About Our Rabbis
  • Jewish Places in the Bay Area
  • What Do I Have to Do to Become Jewish?
  • Why Be Jewish?
  • Online Jewish Resources
  • Our Conversion Stories
  • Judaism FAQ
  • Contact Us
  • Blog: Into the Jewish Pool
  • Media Coverage
  • Converting Outside the USA
  • Conversion Videos

Hatafat Dam Brit / Brit Milah

3/28/2014

2 Comments

 
Picture
in the Orthodox and Conservative branches of Judaism, an uncircumcised man who wishes to convert must undergo a circumcision and hatafat dam brit (ritual drawing of a drop of blood). Here is one man's story of the experience.





Hatafat Dam Brit (ritual drawing of a drop of blood)
As the date of their beit din (rabbinic court) nears, many intended gerim (converts) grow especially nervous about one “last detail” of the conversion process, the hatafat dam brit (literally, the drop of blood covenant), or symbolic circumcision. The hatafat dam brit is a requisite part of conversion to Judaism because brit milah (the covenant of circumcision), is a sacred rite as much as it is a surgical procedure. If an intended male convert to Judaism was circumcised prior to his conversion, that non-religious procedure doesn’t substitute for brit milah. The would-be ger (convert) must undergo hatafat dam brit to meet the ritual requirements of entrance into the Jewish covenant. During the rite, a mohel or rabbi draws a drop of blood from just under the glans of the penis, where the foreskin is attached on an uncircumcised member.

Like most of my fellow male gerim, I was a bit anxious about this aspect of my conversion. I knew that my beit din, hatafat dam brit, and mikveh visit were slated to take place in quick succession, all in the course of about two hours, provided that my time with the beit din satisfied the participating rabbis. It did. The three rabbis, two of whom I knew and one of whom I did not, had read my conversion statement the night before and, to my delight and relief, thought highly of it. The four of us talked at length; it felt less like an interview (or court) than a conversation between people excited about Judaism and Jewish identity. Eventually, we realized we’d talked beyond the allotted time, so I hurried off to the changing room to disrobe and prepare for the hatafat dam brit and the mikveh.

Once I’d changed into a bath robe and bath slippers, I let the rabbis know that I was ready for them to enter. The rabbis, all men, entered the bathroom and instructed me to sit on a bench, open the bathrobe at the waist, and try to relax. The first two instructions were easily complied with; the third, a little more challenging! One of the rabbis then pinched together some of the skin of my penis and used a small, spring-loaded lancet (similar to that which diabetic individuals use to check their blood sugar levels) to prick the bunched skin. He then used a small piece of cotton gauze to dab the skin so that a tiny drop of blood stained the cotton. Finally, he showed the gauze and blood mark to the two other rabbis. Agreeing that they’d all seen the blood, they recited the bracha (blessing) for the rite. And that was that. It was time for me to follow them into the room containing the mikveh.

Adult Circumcision
When men ask me about this experience, they always want to know if the hatafat dam brit hurt. Honestly, I don’t remember any pain at all. That doesn’t mean, however, that hatafat dam brit isn’t an uncomfortable part of the conversion process. No matter the context, having your penis inspected, pinched, and poked can be awkward and unsettling. Additionally, everything is relative in our experience. I consider the pain of the rite alongside that associated with my adult circumcision, which I’d had several months prior to the hatafat dam brit. Although I was under general anesthetic during the medical procedure itself, the recovery from the circumcision lasted about two months and it was unpleasant and, at times, quite painful. Perhaps, then, even a painful hatafat dam brit experience would have been seen by me as relatively easy?

If intended gerim have particular questions for me about brit milah or hatafat dam brit, I am happy to answer them.

If you would like to be put in touch with this writer, contact Dawn at dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org 


2 Comments

A Personal Story of a Young Woman's Path to Becoming Jewish

2/20/2013

0 Comments

 
Picture
As my boyfriend, Gabe, and I became more serious in our relationship we started engaging in discussions about Judaism.  I had always been supportive and interested in Gabe's Jewish practice, but there was a point when we realized that we needed to figure out how Judaism would fit in the life we were building together, not just individually.  We had great discussions about Gabe's beliefs and practices, but we always ended with lots of questions about where this all fit with my life.  Converting to Judaism was something I had never ruled out, but I had no idea how I would find out if it was right for me.  

When Gabe and I got engaged we decided that it was time to get some answers to all of these questions.  Gabe had been attending Kol Emeth for shabbat services, so he contacted Rabbi Booth to find out if we could talk to him about the conversion process.  We were very open with him about the fact that I did not know if I wanted to convert, but I was ready to start learning.  We began meeting with Rabbi Booth for an hour once a week, usually at his home, and he would have a specific topic to discuss. Sometimes our topics involved upcoming holidays or important Jewish concepts like kashrut, or sometimes they were about important Jewish values that play a part in your everyday life.  I felt very comfortable with Rabbi Booth and I knew he was the exact person we had needed to help us define Judaism's role in our life together.  He was warm and funny and full of smiles every time we saw him.  He would invite us over to watch football with his family and was always interested in what was going on in our lives.  He was extremely passionate about his Jewish studies and was constantly coming up with new analyses and ideas that he wanted to share with us.  Each week we engaged in intellectually stimulating conversations that Gabe and I would continue at home as we continued to think through everything he had presented to us.  He packed so much information and ideas into each hour that we often felt we needed the rest of the week to sort through and digest it all!  Rabbi Booth made me realize that Judaism is a modern religion that grows and evolves with its people.  It is a growing, living religion to which each person contributes as they engage in study and form their own beliefs.  

I always felt that Rabbi Booth was very connected to our situation and our process.  I left each weekly meeting with inspiring new ideas about how I wanted to live my life and excited about what I was discovering about myself.  Rabbi Booth never pressed me to commit to converting, and instead just let me know that he would continue to study with me as if I were a conversion student until the day I came to him and told him that it just wasn't for me.  He said he would be sad to see me leave, but he would completely respect my decision.  After a few months of studying, I realized that I loved the life I was living as a Jew and I wanted to continue to learn about and practice Judaism for the rest of my life.  I felt that the Jewish ideals I was learning about had been a part of me all along and now Gabe and I were embarking on this amazing journey to discover more and find out how we would create our life together.  We continued to study weekly and Rabbi Booth even met with us through video chat when we moved to DC a few months before my conversion date so he could continue to guide us in our journey.  The entire process was an amazing experience that has changed my life forever.  Rabbi Booth has a special place in my life and we are so happy that he will be marrying us in June.  

0 Comments

Questions to Becoming Jewish:  I want to do what the Heavenly Father wants me to do...

1/16/2013

0 Comments

 
Picture
We get many questions on becomingjewish.net, and we try to give thoughtful answers.  We decided to post several of these, from time to time, to give others the benefit of these replies.  Do you have a question you need answered?  Write us!


​


"I am not sure if I am considering conversion or not. I am just looking for truth (not man’s truth, but Heavenly Father’s truth). I would love to have someone point me in the right direction and maybe answer some questions from me. My goal is to live my life the way Heavenly Father wants me to. I am very interested in reading things on keeping Kosher as well."

Dawn's answer:  
Let me see if I can help out.  Judaism does not believe there is one single truth, not even God's truth, that can be known by humans.  So we as humans struggle to do our best to understand as much as we can and to act according to that which we can grasp.  But Judaism is very forgiving of human foibles.  Additionally, we are guided by our rabbis and sages who themselves do not agree on everything so a Jew, in order to live an observant life, must learn and study from many points of view to determine what he or she will take on.  Are there lazy Jews who don't bother or atheist Jews who see no point? Yes.  Are they going to be punished or go to hell?  No. We don't believe in hell.  The consequence of not making an effort to live according to the commandments is simply a missed opportunity.  Those people are probably satisfied with their lives but in my opinion they have missed the chance to live a life of greater kavanah (intentionality).  

Judaism does not perceive God to have a gender.  However, Hebrew, like Spanish, is a gendered language so the references to God are often translationed use a male pronoun.  Rarely would a Jew refer to a Heavenly Father.  An observant Jew would refer to God as HaShem, which in Hebrew means The Name.  It is an honorific title like Majesty.

As for keeping kosher, that is complex and varies in numerous small ways from community to community since every community will keep to the ways of their parents and grandparents. So for example,  take the practice of waiting after a meat meal before eating a dairy food - one of my local rabbis is from Egypt and his Egyptian community's practice was to wait 3 hours. But he came to America where most Jews are of  Eastern European descent and wait 5 hours.  He had to change in order to be consistent with the practice of his American congregation.

If you want to pursue learning about kashrut (keeping kosher) there's a book that was recommended to me --

How to Keep Kosher:  A comprehensive Guide to Understanding Jewish Dietary Laws  by Lise Stern

You can probably ask for it through your library system if you don't know yet whether you want to own it.

If you would like to learn about the diverse ways that Jewish sages have thought about God this is a good book --

Finding God: Selected Responses  by Rifat Sonsino and Daniel B. Syme

Here's a description of it - Finding God, by way of essays on significant Jewish thinkers, attempts to answer the questions looming above us all: What is God? Is there more than one God? How can we know God? What does God "want" from us? How does God relate to me? 

Does this help?  If you have more questions just let me know.  I wish you success in your journey.






0 Comments

What Changed When You Converted? What did you think would change, worried would change, hoped would change?

9/19/2012

2 Comments

 
Picture

I didn't think too much about my decision.  There were concerns in the back of my mind, but not my driving force.  I thought my partner and I would grow closer together, as she is Jewish.  And so we did.

I was worried that I would have to learn Hebrew.  It really helped me adjust to that notion when I met several Jews I really respected and they didn't know much Hebrew.  Also, I thought I might be forced into following some, if not all, kosher guidelines.  I studied a bit about it, talked to many people about it.  I still have some issues about the whole issue, because 
how can you do the Passover thing, give up bread, et al., if you're eating shrimp and bacon?  So, I still think about those things.  I'm still trying to work some things out.


I hoped I would gain a new community.  I had to find a niche in this community -- what worked for me -- and although I'm still working on that, I think that I've found it.  I am absolutely thrilled with the volunteer work I am doing for the synagogue and my community, and with the new friends I have made.

In the back of my mind were: Will I fit in with my new community, will I ever really be considered Jewish?  I hoped that was going to happen, but couldn't allow myself to dream that. 

Second Response:
I so hoped (secretly) that converting would confer chutzpah upon me...no such luck! Darn!

I did go to Unitarian church with my mom once after I converted, and truthfully, I did feel a pang that I could not really claim that space for myself anymore, and that I had given up holding space for that religion to work for me better.  On the other hand, I still say that my Jewish identity can hold all the spirituality and learning that I could ever wish for.  

Regarding bacon...as far as I understand it, the entire Reform movement rejected the dietary laws as mandatory, although I guess they are making a comeback.  Our temple historian reported that our temple used to have an annual crab feed (!!).  Best news in that department:  there does not seem to be any fridge police at my shul, nor at any others I have heard about.  Just try not to bring ham to a temple potluck, although some people do (accidentally?  or carelessly?  or accidentally-on-purpose?) bring meat+milk dishes, and many certainly eat meat and milk side-by-side.  I have found that the easiest way for me to feel good with the dietary laws is to go dairy+parve (i.e. no "meat" anymore), especially at home, although a little shrimp or scallop might show up every once in a while.  I have at times eaten many things I would not ordinarily eat when a guest at someone else's place.  I think that falls under a different mitzvah, I forget which.  The spiritual thing is, if you flub the dietary laws; or if you go full-on with the dietary laws; or if you try to be moderate about the dietary laws; then you get to look at how that sits with you -- how Jewish is that?!!

So far I have avoided a show-down about Christmas by celebrating it at Grandma's house, and keeping our house about Hannukah.  What I will do in 10? 20? 50? years when I  eventually outlive her remains an open question.  What I told my beit din was that perhaps in those not-hoped-for future  days, we would put up a small table-top christmas tree by which to remember her and her hospitality and love.  Nothing un-Jewish about that as a value, I don't think.  I mean it's not for the purpose of worshiping baby jesus or something; it is a family cultural history and event; and honoring my mother and father.

I think the main thing is:  just go around being Jewish.  I have found that at first, I felt I ought to think a lot about all the details; but now, after 15 years of living Jewish and 7 or so of formally being Jewish, I am pretty used to being Jewish, so I feel more that I could fudge a bit here and there and it won't affect my identity.

But that chutzpah thing!!  Where do I sign up for that?



2 Comments

Gay and Converting: A Personal Story

12/6/2011

0 Comments

 
Picture
​
by LJ, a female Reform convert

I can’t say with any honesty that Judaism sprang from a single thought in my head.  Rather, it took time to see that it just may be the answer to many issues in my life.

I had just recovered from cancer, Stage 2 colon cancer.  As anyone who has had cancer can tell you, you never get rid of it.  Even if every speck has been removed from your body, you think about it.  It’s with you always.  You wonder how many years you might have left, years of productive life.

A year after my colon surgery, I retired from a career that had consumed 33 years of my life.  I poured my heart and soul into that job, into working with those people, and now, due to my own choice, it had all been ripped from me.  I had nowhere to go in the mornings.  I had no social life. Sure, I had friends, but there were few that weren’t part of my work environment, and many of those friends were located in another city, where I had previously worked.

I had thought about retirement for many years, but not very seriously.  I had thought about doing good things.  I wanted to do good things.  Volunteer?  I actually tried several volunteer tasks along the way, and none matched my personality. 

The final point of this journey was that I fell in love with a Jew.  A lot of her friends were Jewish, and they became my friends.  I was surrounded by Jews, and I really liked the way they lived their lives.  They did good things.   As a lesbian, I feel I was fortunate to have been accepted by these Jews, that my “gayness” wasn’t a second thought for them; that told me right there that I could fit into Jewish life as a gay person.

As it turned out, this wasn’t the final point of my journey at all.  I found a rabbi to study with, to learn what Judaism was really all about, and I joined a new community.  They’re my community now.  The journey was just beginning.


Hear Linda talk about her conversion process in this video.

0 Comments

Gay and Converting: A Personal Story

11/14/2011

0 Comments

 
By L., a female Reform convert

When I came out to my mother as gay, I was in my 40’s.  I had finally come to the long-fought decision to come out to my family if I ever landed in another relationship.  When I did, I sat down with her, and she took it better than I thought she would.  Her reply was, “I think I knew all along.  I was just hoping it was a fad.”

At the age of 63, it’s no fad.  And 8 years after my mother died, I came out again, this time as a Jew.  While I would give almost anything to have one last conversation with my mother, to see her again, I’m glad I don’t have to try to explain her to her that I’m a Jew.  Because, you see, I’m going to Hell.  And it would be Her Fault.

So, spared that last conversation, I very easily converted – well, after it took me three tries to find the right rabbi, but the right rabbi I did find.    The rabbis at my Reform synagogue in the East Bay have been super, everything you could have asked for as a lesbian or gay man, or as any Jew, actually.  Kind, warm, accepting.  Completely accepting.  Their constituents are sometimes another story.  But it’s a work in progress.

Some people typecast me as Ellen DeGeneres, others as someone who would love to tell lesbian stories (you know, with sex ‘n stuff), and others ignore me completely.  This is my community.  They’ll get used to seeing me, get used to what lesbians look like and sound like, ones like me and ones who are completely different (because it’s really hard to stereotype us).  And as more gay men and women join, we’ll just be as common as the other Jews around temple.  I look forward to that day.


0 Comments

Thoughts on Conversion Day

11/14/2011

0 Comments

 
Today marks the final step in affirming my Jewish identity. I often struggle to find words to express the logical reasons behind my decision that I know others are seeking, because in the most simplest of terms- it was beshert. I have always been a spiritual person and had difficulties defining what the meant for me and where I belonged. I found that spiritual home in Judaism and today allows me to fully embrace all that it means to be a Jew- both spiritually and culturally. My dream for my Jewish tomorrow is to continue to grow in my knowledge, my involvement in the community and to build deeper connections with those around me. I dream of marrying and raising a Jewish family- providing all of the experiences that I didn’t get a chance to have growing up. I dream of one day journeying to Israel to feel the connection that one can only have there. I also dream of the day that I will be as comfortable speaking and reading Hebrew as I do English. In essence, I dream of a day when I will honor my non-Jewish past, but can’t imagine having never been Jewish. I have come a very long way thus far and I know that today is really only the beginning of a lifelong journey and I welcome it with an open heart and open arms.
Conservative woman convert
0 Comments

Why Be Jewish? Our 4th Response.

8/22/2011

0 Comments

 
Picture
​I could write a book with this response. Quite simply. I converted to be Jewish, not just to live Jewishly.I believe you should be Jewish in order to perform certain things, like perform an Aliyah. However, I think it's up to the Rabbi to make the call. This is especially important in the case of people studying to convert (but not yet converted) and interfaith families.

Converting, instead of just living Jewishly, is a symbolic act of your commitment to the community, with all the rights and responsibilities therein.
0 Comments

Why Be Jewish? Another response.

8/21/2011

0 Comments

 
Picture
​Another response to the last post on:  Why be Jewish?
 
I read all the comments to the article. Intellectually I know that I converted because I wanted to be a Jew - to take on the responsibilities of and reap the rewards of being a member of the tribe. It wasn't because I wanted to do something specific in the synagogue. But, because belonging to a synagogue is pretty important to converts (especially those of us who have no Jewish family whatsoever - not even in-laws) the idea that anybody can walk through the door of a temple and be seen as equal to converts without doing the work involved to convert rubs me the wrong way.  To me, it devalues the conversion process if nothing is required of someone.   One of the things I liked least about growing up as a Protestant was anybody could walk through the door of the church and purport to share those same values - but in reality their belief system could be all over the map.  What I like about Judaism, and in fact what drew me to it in large measure, was that there is a shared belief system and you have to learn about it, go through a process of claiming it as your own, and then as a Jew you are held accountable by other Jews if you do not live up to those standards. 
 
Quite different than someone who is lukewarm to the idea of being a Jew because their family might get upset or friends might not understand. 
 
You can't be a little bit pregnant and you can't be a little bit Jewish - at least that's what I think. You either are or you aren't. 
 
Every convert has had their own obstacles in the process of their conversion. Family members get incensed, friends ask questions that make you uncomfortable, fellow Jews don't "get" why you want to be Jewish.  It's a big deal to convert and a process one should have to go through to become Jewish. It toughens you up for living a Jewish life.  By going through that process you claim your Jewish identity in a way that you couldn't have if there not been those challenges.  
 
I was thinking about Daniel Pearl's declaration of "I am a Jew" before he died.  It is a claim I too would be willing to make, if faced with it. Would someone who attended my synagogue who was unwilling to convert be able to say the same if they were being persecuted for being affiliated with a synagogue? How would their declaration go - "I thought about becoming Jewish but decided the feelings of my extended family who would be annoyed or disappointed if I converted came first, so I didn't, but I really like the Jews and feel 'Jewish,' but I'm really not a Jew - my spouse is and we've raised our kids that way. Yes, I admit, I am asking my kids to live and die as a Jew, but I'm not willing to do the same myself." 
 
I know that sounds harsh - but through the lens of a convert active in my synagogue - that was my immediate reaction to the discussion. It sounded to me more like people who want it both ways:  convincing the clergy that they should be allowed to do everything a Jew does in the synagogue or else they will raise their kids outside the temple or something.   If the clergy really doesn't believe being a Jew is of value - then we're really in trouble.  Warm bodies at all costs. I don't get it.  You can be warm and welcoming and not give away the store.  
0 Comments

Hatafat Dam Brit: A Personal Interview

5/23/2011

0 Comments

 
Picture
Hatafat Dam is a ritual drawing of a drop of blood from the penis of an already circumcised man by a mohel (pronounced "moyel"), a Jewish professional trained in circumcision.  For more information, visit the My Jewish Learning site.

This is Dawn's interview with a man who went through the Hatafat Dam Brit.  The comments in bold are hers.

I was struck by how mysterious this procedure feels and the lack of information around it so I asked someone I know to tell me about his experience of hatafat dam.  He agreed.

Not exactly a topic I like to revisit, Dawn... But for you, here's the story.

The most painful part of the process was writing the check to the mohel.  The actual procedure was a walk in the park - I didn't feel a thing.  My mohel was Rabbi Chanan Feld, of blessed memory. 

One thing to consider is the time in between the hatafat dam and the mikvah - when you are technically in this weird nexus of not a Jew but not-not a Jew either.  Strange. 


Dawn: What was the level of pain?

Zero physical pain.  This is more info than you probably care to know, but the mohel draws blood from the scar tissue on the man's penis, which isn't near the head.  Again, I'm not trying to be graphic or inappropriate, but you asked.   

Dawn: Where was it done?

It was performed at a house which I believe doubled as Rabbi Chanan Feld's office. Specifically, it was done in a room designed for little kids (Winnie-the-Pooh wallpaper was hung and toys were in the room).  Obviously no children were present, but still a little weird.

Dawn:  Was your rabbi with you?  Or did you go on your own?

I went on my own.  I'm sure if I’d asked my rabbi to be there, he would have, but it wasn't something I needed him there for.

Dawn: How did you get the contact information for the mohel?

I was given Rabbi Feld's contact info by my rabbi and told exactly what to ask for.  Rabbi Feld was very responsive.

Dawn: How much did it cost?

Feld charged $200 for him and $25 for each witness, which there were two. Total bill was $250.

Dawn's comment to us:  For everyone’s information, Rabbi Chanan Feld, of blessed memory, was a mohel by profession.  Not every doctor who performs the ceremony charges this amount.  Most of the men who emailed me said that they paid less.  For example, Dr. Piser, when asked about the cost, suggested that the man give a donation to Dr. Piser’s synagogue, Temple Beth Abraham.  The gentleman chose to give $50 to the shul.


0 Comments
<<Previous
Forward>>

    Thoughts from our Email List

    Hopefully our blog entries will concern issues that matter to YOU, the curious about Judaism.  Please let us know what you'd like to read about!

    Categories

    All
    After Conversion
    Anti Semitism
    Beit Din
    Blessings
    Child Conversion
    Christmas
    Circumcision
    Connecting
    Conservative Judaism
    Conversion Process
    Dating/relationships
    Death/Shiva
    Find A Rabbi
    God
    Hanukkah
    Hatafat Dam Brit
    Hebrew Name
    Hell
    History
    Holidays & Fast Days
    Interfaith
    Jewish Places
    Kashrut
    LGBT
    Mikvah
    Mitvot/Commandments
    Mourning
    Movements
    Non-Jewish Family
    Orthodox Judaism
    Parenting
    Passover
    Personal Stories
    Questions From Readers
    Reform Judaism
    Social Justice
    Spirituality
    Synagogues
    Torah
    Transgender
    Why Be Jewish?
    Yahrzeit

    RSS Feed

    Archives

    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    August 2014
    May 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    July 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    August 2011
    May 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010

BecomingJewish.net is a great resource for anyone who is thinking about converting to Judaism or has recently become Jewish.