BECOMING JEWISH
What Are We Saying?
This page concerns any surveys we take of our Jews By Choice readers.
Poll Results
Here are our latest poll results:
How do you identify?
Reform Jew - 50%
Conservative Jew - 11.1%
Orthodox Jew - 5.6%
Other Jew - 11.1%
Non-Jew - 11.1%
Other - 11.1%
What's the first thing you did when you decided to convert?
Found a rabbi and/or found a synagogue - 31%
Found books to read about it - 33%
Went online to look for resources - 13%
Attended a class, like Taste or Intro - 18%
Asked a friend what to do - 3%
Other - 3%
What are the first Jewish artifacts you bought for your home?
A mezuzah - 24%
Shabbat candlesticks - 52%
A kiddish cup - 3%
A dreidel - 0%
Other - 21%
I am:
Curious about conversion - 73%
Converting now - 7%
A Jew by Choice already - 0%
Born Jewish - 7%
Not sure - 13%
What would you like to learn from becomingjewish.net?
What events are happening locally - 19%
The basics for studying Judaism - 19%
How to convert to Judaism - 38%
Where do I start to learn about Judaism - 19%
How did you find our website?
I found you on Twitter - 10%
I Googled Jewish terms - 70%
I stumbled upon you - 20%
Other - 0%
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Thinking about Christmas
This year I got several questions about Christmas.
One communication was the request that I refer to the holiday as “Christmas” instead of “Xmas” so to that person let me say, I will be making direct quotes below so please bear with us.
One email was a new mom who said, “I find that (having a new baby) brings up a whole host of new issues for me. How do I raise a Jewish child from scratch? My role models and previous experience are so limited. Every note of Christmas music in the stores reminds me about it.”
She asked about resources and suggestions. Starting from scratch isn’t just about being a convert. Born Jews who were not given much Jewish life exposure feel the same way. I’ve had born Jewish moms start to cry when they say, “I want to give my child what I didn’t get, but I don’t know how.”
For starters, get yourself a teacher or mentor. Find a woman in your congregation that you like and approach her. Ask her if she will help you be a Jewish mom. Chances are she will be extremely flattered and delighted. Don’t even limit yourself to one. Ask several women, and men, if they will be your Jewish coach, mentor, parent – you pick the word that feels right. Then go out to lunch, call them up, sit by them at services and ASK. What books should I be reading to Julie? How old should she be when I let her light Shabbos candles? Did you want til your son was 2 for his first haircut? What do I say when the kids at school tell him about Santa? Is it ok if we listen to Christmas music and like it?
(Just for your information, I do have a program called Raising Your Jewish Baby… Whether You’re Jewish or Not. I developed it for interfaith couples but have had a number of women who converted come to the group. Email me if you are interested: dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org).
At services on the Shabbat that fell on Christmas Day I was approached by a woman who choked back tears and asked, “Dawn, do you ever have feelings about Christmas?” As we talked she explained that she usually spends the holiday with her sister but her sister is out of the state. Additionally her kids were with her ex this year. She has spent the day feeling horribly alone. Christmas ALONE is terrible for lots of people, not just Jews and converts. We talked about how to plan ahead and arrange to be with friends or at a Jewish event, or volunteering next year.
A couple of people sent me this link to an article about converts at Christmas time:
The first person had this to say:
The woman in the article who said she felt she had to watch a Christmas theme movie where she wouldn't be recognized was interesting to me.
For all the years since our conversion I have made a conscious effort to run away from all things Christmas. I did a good job of shutting down all memories of my childhood Christmas experience. I thought I had moved on and by stuffing them down I could ignore them. Since all our Christian relatives were dead it was pretty easy to ignore.
This year, however, I decided it would be ok to have a classical radio station playing while I did my housework - even if it did play Christmas music 3/4 of the time. The other day a simple guitar version with no lyrics of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" came on. For the first time ever since our conversion over a decade ago I sat still for those 3 or 4 minutes and allowed my mind to drift back to my childhood Christmas memories - all the simple little things that were good about the holiday. It was like a power point presentation in my mind - frame after frame of snapshots slowly fading into view. There was the plaster of paris snowman, reindeer and santa's sleigh my grandfather in Long Beach installed on his roof each year, the antique porcelin dolls that had been my parents from their own childhoods that we put on the tree, the stockings we had for our dogs, the jello mold my mother made each year, the Bing Crosby recording of White Christmas that was required listening for the weeks before Christmas. Dozens of little flashbacks.
Tears poured down my cheeks and it felt quite cathartic to think about. This quiet little solitary trip into my Christian past was not about religion - but about family connections, traditions, sights/smells/tastes that recurred year after year.
I have created these same memories for my own Jewish children - wonderful Jewish holiday memories. Just as I remember squirming in my seat during Midnight Mass and long Easter services in my childhood Lutheran Church my own kids will remember long days at Shul during High Holy Days. They will also remember lighting the menorahs, Seders with friends, our annual Christmas eve Chinese feast and movie with our chavurah and much, much more.
I think every year at Christmas I am going to set aside 5 or 10 minutes to be alone and think about my childhood Christmases and allow myself a good cry. Tears of joy, happiness, loss, sadness. I don't really miss Christmas. I miss the people, now all gone, I used to spend it with. Then I will spend the rest of the holiday building closer ties with my Jewish friends and thinking about how to make all the Jewish holidays more memorable for my own children.
The second person to send me the article link had these thoughts:
My own xmas feelings: Yes! I've had a significant "turn around." The xmas which occurred during my conversion process was an odd one because I felt obliged to keep up the xmas-celebrating out of some feeling of honoring my own tradition, yet I was starting to see it as "someone else's holiday". In fact I remember telling a friend who is also a convert that she SHOULD have an xmas tree (she was wondering if it was OK) because she shouldn't deny her own heritage. Well, by this year I completely disagree with that! I see Christmas as an entirely invasive event to which I claim as little ownership as possible.
What's further fascinating to me is that I now also associate a religious connection to Christmas which I previously didn't. By that I mean, in my pre-conversion years, Christmas was definitely a secular event, which, while having a religious origin, had no sense of religion to me, since I didn't have a sense of religion. But now, since I do have a sense of (Jewish) religion, I completely associate Christmas with Christian religion, even though I know plain well that for millions of people, my own family included, religion plays no part in Christmas. That makes no sense but is a very powerful feeling. I've developed a fairly unreasonable resentment that the Christian world has been historically oppressive to the Jewish people, and I now see Christmas as the poster-child of that oppression.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
We asked our readers recently what their response would be to the question, "What ONE book would you recommend to those interested in the basics of Judaism?" Here are some responses.
On the subject of conversion, Questions and Answers about Conversion to Judaism by Lawrence Epstein is very comprehensive and easy to read.
For an introduction to Judaism, Rabbi Rabbi Telushkin's Book of Jewish Ethics (Vols 1 and 2 published so far) are very practical and show the direct relevance of Jewish ethics to daily life and how to put principles into practice.
The New Encyclopedia of Judaism
by Geoffrey Wigoder (Editor)
I have it, I've read every single entry (except the mysticism ones); before I did the Intro course I read it from cover to cover. I still refer to it often. It's big, 700 pages or something. It's the most handy reference imaginable for the know-a-bit-but-not-a-lot crowd, of which I'm a member! It has info on historical figures, biblical sections, Talmud, prayers, modern leaders, everything. It was while reading the Encyclopedia that made me think "I could believe in that", ie it turned me on to Judasim in a religious sense. I recall it was specifically the entry about Christianity, from which description I was able to make the distinction that Judaism doesn't have an already-happened Savior, which then made me realize I could go for Judaism. It's a very important book to me from that point of view, but also just darned useful. For instance, I'll come back from a service and look up something, such as the entry about the Amidah, to learn about what I just experienced.
Although it's not a specific "conversion" book, Daniel Gordis's God Was Not In The Fire was particularly helpful for me. He's proposing a modern approach to Jewish spirituality, particularly to those who feel disenfranchised by "traditional" religion. It provided a great overview of Jewish spiritual practice and shaped the way I practice Judaism. It doesn't really give any information on Jewish history or the holidays, but a great intro to Jewish spirituality.
The book that made me realize that Judaism was a serious option for me was David Wolpe's Healer of Shattered Hearts: A Jewish View of God (Henry Holt 1990). This book isn't about conversion per se, it considers God from a philosophical angle. That was very appealing to me. But I don't know if this is "complete," since most of the other books I've come across that deal with the issue of conversion come from the social or ritual angle. That makes me think that that is how most converts enter into the conversation. For me (a self-confessed philosophy-junkie), Wolpe's book was quite a revelation. The language is straight forward and approachable. I don't think any prior acquaintance with philosophical -- or even religious -- jargon would be needed to have a meaningful reading of this book.
Judaism for Everyone Although there is the part where the orthodox Boteach explains why Jews don't suggest conversion... so maybe it's not the best suggestion, except when I read that book I thought, "Wow-- Judaism sounds SO AWESOME!" Now that I think about it, the fact that Jews don't proselytize makes it all the more attractive to me.
To Be A Jew - A Guide to Jewish Observance in Contemporary Life by Rabbi Hayim Halevy Donin
This book provides an overview of Orthodox Judaism. It is a good "launch pad." Even if you choose to convert into the Conservative, Reform or Renewal movements it is important to know about the most observant Jewish practices. This is the book that initially led me into exploring Judaism. It is in paperback, 300 pages.
Yikes, just one book. I would recommend George Robinson's The Essential Judaism. It is a complete book of all things Jewish. Sample chapters include: Prayer and ritual, The Jewish Year, Jewish lifecycle, Living a Jewish Life, and much more.
Jewish Literacy: The Most Important Things to Know about the Jewish Religion, Its People, and Its History by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin. If I could recommend a book to anyone wanting to learn more about Judaism, I would choose this one. Telushkin goes through the Bible, through Jewish history, through Jewish ethics and traditions in an easily digestible style. I would look forward to my daily BART commute because I enjoyed reading this book so much.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Here are our latest poll results:
How do you identify?
Reform Jew - 50%
Conservative Jew - 11.1%
Orthodox Jew - 5.6%
Other Jew - 11.1%
Non-Jew - 11.1%
Other - 11.1%
What's the first thing you did when you decided to convert?
Found a rabbi and/or found a synagogue - 31%
Found books to read about it - 33%
Went online to look for resources - 13%
Attended a class, like Taste or Intro - 18%
Asked a friend what to do - 3%
Other - 3%
What are the first Jewish artifacts you bought for your home?
A mezuzah - 24%
Shabbat candlesticks - 52%
A kiddish cup - 3%
A dreidel - 0%
Other - 21%
I am:
Curious about conversion - 73%
Converting now - 7%
A Jew by Choice already - 0%
Born Jewish - 7%
Not sure - 13%
What would you like to learn from becomingjewish.net?
What events are happening locally - 19%
The basics for studying Judaism - 19%
How to convert to Judaism - 38%
Where do I start to learn about Judaism - 19%
How did you find our website?
I found you on Twitter - 10%
I Googled Jewish terms - 70%
I stumbled upon you - 20%
Other - 0%
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Thinking about Christmas
This year I got several questions about Christmas.
One communication was the request that I refer to the holiday as “Christmas” instead of “Xmas” so to that person let me say, I will be making direct quotes below so please bear with us.
One email was a new mom who said, “I find that (having a new baby) brings up a whole host of new issues for me. How do I raise a Jewish child from scratch? My role models and previous experience are so limited. Every note of Christmas music in the stores reminds me about it.”
She asked about resources and suggestions. Starting from scratch isn’t just about being a convert. Born Jews who were not given much Jewish life exposure feel the same way. I’ve had born Jewish moms start to cry when they say, “I want to give my child what I didn’t get, but I don’t know how.”
For starters, get yourself a teacher or mentor. Find a woman in your congregation that you like and approach her. Ask her if she will help you be a Jewish mom. Chances are she will be extremely flattered and delighted. Don’t even limit yourself to one. Ask several women, and men, if they will be your Jewish coach, mentor, parent – you pick the word that feels right. Then go out to lunch, call them up, sit by them at services and ASK. What books should I be reading to Julie? How old should she be when I let her light Shabbos candles? Did you want til your son was 2 for his first haircut? What do I say when the kids at school tell him about Santa? Is it ok if we listen to Christmas music and like it?
(Just for your information, I do have a program called Raising Your Jewish Baby… Whether You’re Jewish or Not. I developed it for interfaith couples but have had a number of women who converted come to the group. Email me if you are interested: dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org).
At services on the Shabbat that fell on Christmas Day I was approached by a woman who choked back tears and asked, “Dawn, do you ever have feelings about Christmas?” As we talked she explained that she usually spends the holiday with her sister but her sister is out of the state. Additionally her kids were with her ex this year. She has spent the day feeling horribly alone. Christmas ALONE is terrible for lots of people, not just Jews and converts. We talked about how to plan ahead and arrange to be with friends or at a Jewish event, or volunteering next year.
A couple of people sent me this link to an article about converts at Christmas time:
The first person had this to say:
The woman in the article who said she felt she had to watch a Christmas theme movie where she wouldn't be recognized was interesting to me.
For all the years since our conversion I have made a conscious effort to run away from all things Christmas. I did a good job of shutting down all memories of my childhood Christmas experience. I thought I had moved on and by stuffing them down I could ignore them. Since all our Christian relatives were dead it was pretty easy to ignore.
This year, however, I decided it would be ok to have a classical radio station playing while I did my housework - even if it did play Christmas music 3/4 of the time. The other day a simple guitar version with no lyrics of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" came on. For the first time ever since our conversion over a decade ago I sat still for those 3 or 4 minutes and allowed my mind to drift back to my childhood Christmas memories - all the simple little things that were good about the holiday. It was like a power point presentation in my mind - frame after frame of snapshots slowly fading into view. There was the plaster of paris snowman, reindeer and santa's sleigh my grandfather in Long Beach installed on his roof each year, the antique porcelin dolls that had been my parents from their own childhoods that we put on the tree, the stockings we had for our dogs, the jello mold my mother made each year, the Bing Crosby recording of White Christmas that was required listening for the weeks before Christmas. Dozens of little flashbacks.
Tears poured down my cheeks and it felt quite cathartic to think about. This quiet little solitary trip into my Christian past was not about religion - but about family connections, traditions, sights/smells/tastes that recurred year after year.
I have created these same memories for my own Jewish children - wonderful Jewish holiday memories. Just as I remember squirming in my seat during Midnight Mass and long Easter services in my childhood Lutheran Church my own kids will remember long days at Shul during High Holy Days. They will also remember lighting the menorahs, Seders with friends, our annual Christmas eve Chinese feast and movie with our chavurah and much, much more.
I think every year at Christmas I am going to set aside 5 or 10 minutes to be alone and think about my childhood Christmases and allow myself a good cry. Tears of joy, happiness, loss, sadness. I don't really miss Christmas. I miss the people, now all gone, I used to spend it with. Then I will spend the rest of the holiday building closer ties with my Jewish friends and thinking about how to make all the Jewish holidays more memorable for my own children.
The second person to send me the article link had these thoughts:
My own xmas feelings: Yes! I've had a significant "turn around." The xmas which occurred during my conversion process was an odd one because I felt obliged to keep up the xmas-celebrating out of some feeling of honoring my own tradition, yet I was starting to see it as "someone else's holiday". In fact I remember telling a friend who is also a convert that she SHOULD have an xmas tree (she was wondering if it was OK) because she shouldn't deny her own heritage. Well, by this year I completely disagree with that! I see Christmas as an entirely invasive event to which I claim as little ownership as possible.
What's further fascinating to me is that I now also associate a religious connection to Christmas which I previously didn't. By that I mean, in my pre-conversion years, Christmas was definitely a secular event, which, while having a religious origin, had no sense of religion to me, since I didn't have a sense of religion. But now, since I do have a sense of (Jewish) religion, I completely associate Christmas with Christian religion, even though I know plain well that for millions of people, my own family included, religion plays no part in Christmas. That makes no sense but is a very powerful feeling. I've developed a fairly unreasonable resentment that the Christian world has been historically oppressive to the Jewish people, and I now see Christmas as the poster-child of that oppression.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
We asked our readers recently what their response would be to the question, "What ONE book would you recommend to those interested in the basics of Judaism?" Here are some responses.
On the subject of conversion, Questions and Answers about Conversion to Judaism by Lawrence Epstein is very comprehensive and easy to read.
For an introduction to Judaism, Rabbi Rabbi Telushkin's Book of Jewish Ethics (Vols 1 and 2 published so far) are very practical and show the direct relevance of Jewish ethics to daily life and how to put principles into practice.
The New Encyclopedia of Judaism
by Geoffrey Wigoder (Editor)
I have it, I've read every single entry (except the mysticism ones); before I did the Intro course I read it from cover to cover. I still refer to it often. It's big, 700 pages or something. It's the most handy reference imaginable for the know-a-bit-but-not-a-lot crowd, of which I'm a member! It has info on historical figures, biblical sections, Talmud, prayers, modern leaders, everything. It was while reading the Encyclopedia that made me think "I could believe in that", ie it turned me on to Judasim in a religious sense. I recall it was specifically the entry about Christianity, from which description I was able to make the distinction that Judaism doesn't have an already-happened Savior, which then made me realize I could go for Judaism. It's a very important book to me from that point of view, but also just darned useful. For instance, I'll come back from a service and look up something, such as the entry about the Amidah, to learn about what I just experienced.
Although it's not a specific "conversion" book, Daniel Gordis's God Was Not In The Fire was particularly helpful for me. He's proposing a modern approach to Jewish spirituality, particularly to those who feel disenfranchised by "traditional" religion. It provided a great overview of Jewish spiritual practice and shaped the way I practice Judaism. It doesn't really give any information on Jewish history or the holidays, but a great intro to Jewish spirituality.
The book that made me realize that Judaism was a serious option for me was David Wolpe's Healer of Shattered Hearts: A Jewish View of God (Henry Holt 1990). This book isn't about conversion per se, it considers God from a philosophical angle. That was very appealing to me. But I don't know if this is "complete," since most of the other books I've come across that deal with the issue of conversion come from the social or ritual angle. That makes me think that that is how most converts enter into the conversation. For me (a self-confessed philosophy-junkie), Wolpe's book was quite a revelation. The language is straight forward and approachable. I don't think any prior acquaintance with philosophical -- or even religious -- jargon would be needed to have a meaningful reading of this book.
Judaism for Everyone Although there is the part where the orthodox Boteach explains why Jews don't suggest conversion... so maybe it's not the best suggestion, except when I read that book I thought, "Wow-- Judaism sounds SO AWESOME!" Now that I think about it, the fact that Jews don't proselytize makes it all the more attractive to me.
To Be A Jew - A Guide to Jewish Observance in Contemporary Life by Rabbi Hayim Halevy Donin
This book provides an overview of Orthodox Judaism. It is a good "launch pad." Even if you choose to convert into the Conservative, Reform or Renewal movements it is important to know about the most observant Jewish practices. This is the book that initially led me into exploring Judaism. It is in paperback, 300 pages.
Yikes, just one book. I would recommend George Robinson's The Essential Judaism. It is a complete book of all things Jewish. Sample chapters include: Prayer and ritual, The Jewish Year, Jewish lifecycle, Living a Jewish Life, and much more.
Jewish Literacy: The Most Important Things to Know about the Jewish Religion, Its People, and Its History by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin. If I could recommend a book to anyone wanting to learn more about Judaism, I would choose this one. Telushkin goes through the Bible, through Jewish history, through Jewish ethics and traditions in an easily digestible style. I would look forward to my daily BART commute because I enjoyed reading this book so much.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________