Blog Posts

Transitioning to my true self includes converting to Judaism. Can I?

8/11/2021

I received an inquiry to my column in the J-weekly, Mixed and Matched, about whether a transperson could convert to Judaism. Here is what they wrote.

I have been depressed much of my life because I don’t fit the gender I was born with. I want to transition and I want to convert to Judaism. Some Jewish friends have told me I can convert and others have said I can’t. I know that I have to transition to my true gender in order to find life worth living. I also very much want to be Jewish. I have read a number of books and listened to teachings online. I think a Reform rabbi would accept me. Can you tell me if that is correct? I fear that I may be more tradition oriented than the Reform movement. I’m not saying I want to be Orthodox. Do I have any other option? If it is permitted, how do I get started?
— Big Changes

Here is my reply:
Dear Big: You are correct that you can convert to Judaism with a Reform or a Conservative rabbi no matter how you define your gender. Conservative Judaism may be the path for you given your interest in a more observant lifestyle. Orthodox streams of Judaism would be more challenged to accept you, so you seem to be positioned well for a middle path.
I will note that asking Jewish friends for help with questions about conversion is a common practice, and the non-Jewish person may be confused by the answers. You were wise to ask several people and to determine that none of them appeared to have the final answer, even though each spoke to a certain truth. I’m glad you reached out to me for assistance.
Reading on your own and learning online is a good start, especially during the pandemic. The next steps are these:
Determine whether Conservative Judaism is right for you. Explore the websites of Conservative shuls near you, attend their services online and check out the national headquarters, United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism.
Find a sponsoring rabbi. You’ll need a rabbi who is your teacher and guide as you learn about Judaism and prepare to lead a Jewish life. As you “attend” services, try to get a feel for the rabbi(s) at your local synagogues. Call the ones with whom you feel comfortable and talk to them about how they are handling the conversion process at this time. Tell them your concern about being accepted as a trans person so that they can reassure you. Be prepared for awkward exchanges about the human body, because conversion is different for males and females (as males are expected to be circumcised). Please be aware that these issues, while rather commonplace for rabbis, may not be for you. Just tell them if you feel uncomfortable so they can adjust their approach.
Study. You’ll need to learn a lot, and your sponsoring rabbi will guide you in this. They may also want you to attend a basic Judaism class. (There are a number online.) The advantage of a class is that you’ll meet a number of others who are also curious learners.
Experience the Jewish calendar. The vast majority of rabbis require that a student study with them for at least one year. This allows the student to become acquainted with each holiday.
Decide that Judaism is right for you. The second advantage of your study taking a year or more is that you have adequate time to determine whether you really do want to become Jewish. No rabbi expects you to commit to converting at the outset. Rather, rabbis want to study with you and wait to see if you decide this is really what you want.
Formally convert. When you and your rabbi believe you are ready, you will go before a beit din (rabbinic court) and, if they give you their approval, you will go to the mikvah (ritual bath). Since you, Big, may also be scheduling surgeries, you’ll need to determine with your doctor when it is safe for you to immerse in water.
I have a dear friend who transitioned to their true self — a different gender than how they were born, and a different religion, too! At times they were sad or impatient that things weren’t happening faster. I tell you what I told them: “Put one foot in front of the other. Take the steps that are necessary for both these changes. Time will pass and you will be your correct gender and a Jew.”
Make friends at the synagogue of your choice. Ask your rabbi to introduce you to others who have converted so you can exchange questions, answers and stories. If the shul has an LGBTQ group, ask if you can join it even before you are a Jew.

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What Is Haftarah and How Do I Chant It?

12/31/2020

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Rabbi Milder of Congregation Beth Emek in Pleasanton recently share this description of Haftorah. You'll see that he is offering a class on how to chant. The cost to non-members of Beth Emek is $60. Take a look at the details.

The highlight of Shabbat morning is the chanting of Torah and Haftarah.

What is Haftarah? In spite of the similarity of the words, Haftarah has nothing to do with the word Torah. Torah means instruction, from a root meaning “to aim.” Haftarah, however, comes from a root meaning “conclusion.” It refers to the reading from the Prophets, which was implemented by the Rabbis as a conclusion to the Torah reading.

Haftarah was introduced in order to emphasize that the books of the Prophets are sacred. Unlike Torah, however, we only read selections from the Prophets over the course of the year. These excerpts are usually related thematically to the week’s Torah portion, but for certain weeks of the year, the Haftarah has to do with the season and its holy days.

One of the things that distinguishes the Haftarah reading from the Torah reading is that they are chanted to different melodies. The “trope” signs used to indicate the melody are the same signs, but they are sung differently when applied to Haftarah. Most of Torah reading can be thought of as being in a major key, while most of Haftarah can be thought of as being in a minor key.

Learning to chant Haftarah is like learning a set of musical patterns, and then applying each pattern (2 – 6 notes) to a word. It is fascinating, musically expressive, and a wonderful way to communicate the meaning of the text.

Anyone who has a basic Hebrew reading ability can learn to chant Haftarah. One of the advantages of Haftarah over Torah chanting is that the Haftarah may be sung from a printed text, including the vowels and trope signs, unlike Torah, which is chanted from a handwritten scroll. It’s a whole lot easier to remember!

I invite you to enroll in this winter’s adult ed class, Learn to Chant Haftarah. In seven sessions, I will teach you this beautiful melody. You’ll be able to chant a Haftarah passage when you are done!

Class begins on Sunday, January 10, from 3:00 – 4:00 pm online. We will meet on Sundays when there is religious school.

Enroll now at Learn to Chant Haftarah.

Rabbi Larry Milder

NOTE: You must be able to read Hebrew enough to recognize letters and pronounce words.

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My rabbi doesn’t understand what Christmas means to me

12/24/2020

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(This article originally appeared in my column Mixed and Matched in the J-weekly)

Dear Dawn: I am single and have no Jewish relations. But I have taken years to determine that I want to be Jewish. I am working on converting. I have one problem. My rabbi tells me that I have to give up Christmas. I have never practiced another religion, including Christianity, but I have always had Christmas with my extended family when I lived in the same state. When I moved away, I continued to decorate my house, including a tree. I love the smell of an evergreen tree. I love the lights and the special feelings of a holiday that it feels like the entire world is celebrating. I honestly don’t think my rabbi can understand how I feel because it is a lifelong practice for me and he has never done it. Do you have any suggestions? I’m at a standstill. I refuse to lie to him and currently I just can’t say I’ll give up having a tree. — Stuck

Dear Stuck: I think you are right that your rabbi can’t personally understand how you feel about Christmas. In America there is no Jewish holiday that the entire country celebrates. It might be helpful to have a frank discussion with him and articulate how this change feels for you — in detail. Being heard out is very powerful. I hope he will not waste time telling you why you need to give up Christmas and will simply affirm your feelings of loss.
If you were having an Orthodox conversion, the process would take a few years and you would be able to experiment with reducing Christmas traditions while at the same time increasing the role Judaism plays in your life. Since you are converting in one of the less stringent streams of Judaism, the process will typically take about one year. That means a student can potentially go from a year in which they have Christmas with all the trimmings to a year in which there is no Christmas at all. That kind of change is dramatic and can be quite hard. I think you need time to build up your Jewish practice, as well as your Jewish emotional and communal bonds. Right now you are thinking about going from “plenty” to nothing.
There is no rule that you must convert in a single year. Consider talking to your rabbi about taking your time to transition into being Jewish. Spend an additional year having Shabbat every week and attending shul for holidays, classes and social activities. Build your circle of Jewish friends. Begin imbuing each Jewish holiday with meaning and memories. Be sure to spend them with friends and with family, if that is possible. Make a point of starting a food tradition around your practice. Books like Joan Nathan’s “Jewish Holiday Cookbook” can help you get started.
If you intend to give up Christmas eventually, you could try talking to your rabbi about making it a gradual process after your conversion.
I am struck by how hurried some students are about becoming Jewish. They act like it is a race and the first one there wins. That simply is not true. Becoming Jewish takes time, and growing as a Jew takes a lifetime. The trip to the mikvah is just one stop on the journey of a Jewish life. Don’t let anyone pressure you to move faster. If you need to, you can take several years to make the transition.
You are not alone in this challenge. Many people who want to convert or are converting really balk at the idea of giving up the tree. This symbol is so loaded. For those who have celebrated all their lives, it is often deeply emotional. There are family memories that are wrapped up in the smells, sights, sounds and ambiance of this time of year. Not observing the holiday means that you may feel lonely and left out at times as the world around you embraces Christmas from September through December. That’s a pretty long time.
Being different is part of being Jewish. Finding community and meaning in that difference is central to living as a Jew.
Finally, many Jews by birth and Jews by choice do celebrate Christmas. You could find another rabbi for whom giving up Christmas is not a requirement. You must decide how you want to live as a Jew. If you decide to be a Jew with a tree, please don’t justify it as “not religious or important.” Be honest and say it is important, and be frank about your reasons.

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One Synagogue's Conversion Program

12/4/2020

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Most rabbis have a very personal approach to working with a conversion student. However, some synagogues spell out their process on their website. I want to share with you the conversion program at Sherith Israel in San Francisco. I love that they use shul members as mentors to each student. This is certainly something you could ask for if your rabbi doesn't mention it. Often a member will help to integrate you into the community and host you for Shabbat dinner or holiday activities.

Here is description I received from Lisa Erdberg.

Congregation Sherith Israel’s “Journey to Judaism” program is both welcoming and rigorous. The San Francisco Reform synagogue’s program derives its strength from the collaboration among clergy, volunteer mentors, and seekers. Senior Rabbi Jessica Zimmerman Graf leads the clergy team and congregant Lisa Erdberg serves as the “mentor macher,”* coordinating the program.

“Journey to Judaism” is a three-part program; the first part consists of a 14-session “Introduction to Judaism” course, followed by a basic Hebrew course; the second part involves one-on-one work with a volunteer mentor, who creates a personalized experience for the individual and helps them learn to “do” Jewish; the final part consists of meetings with a member of the clergy team to discuss some of the more challenging aspects of Judaism. The culminating experience is the Beit Din, mikvah, and formal welcoming in the congregation at a Shabbat service.

Creating a personalized experience for each individual through the relationship with a dedicated mentor is an essential aspect of Sherith Israel’s program. We endeavor to meet each individual where they are and provide the type of experience they need, whether it’s more experientially-oriented or more intellectually-oriented - everyone’s needs are different and are honored. We also emphasize that the journey to Judaism is ongoing, a lifelong undertaking for those who choose to set out on the path.

* Macher or makher: Yiddish word meaning influential person, fixer," literally, "maker,"

You can find Sherith Israel's program detailed here.

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Did you ever fear going to hell if you converted?

12/1/2020

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A woman who is contemplating conversion to Judaism asked me the following question. I posed the question to our list of Jews by Choices. Beneath her question I have listed the caring answers.

(Note: A number of people expressed concern that this woman wasn't ready to convert and who is her rabbi that isn't picking up on her worries. She is NOT yet working on conversion. These are theoretical concerns as she ponders the meaning of conversion.)

I have a sense of anguish when thinking hypothetically of converting and I feel a sense that I'm going to hell; do other converts feel this way? A sense of loss?

#1 This is only partially related, but I left the religion I was raised in during my mid-20s, about 10 years before I started studying Judaism for conversion. But the process of leaving that Christian religion in my 20s came with all kinds of “deprograming” that I had to work through. Many religions that are “high cost” (meaning they ask a lot of social and identity commitments from adherents) actually create deep mental and emotional pathways in our brains that can take years of work to get through. In Judaism, this would be like growing up Hasidic and then trying to leave your Hasidic community in your 20s. Even moving from Hasidic Judaism to Conservative or Reform Judaism is a huge cultural, mental, and emotional transformation, and it’s the *same* religion. Does that make sense?

So from my experience, that this woman has her old religion’s claims on her rearing up during the conversation process makes sense and is relatively normal, especially if she grew up in a kind of Christianity that actually believes in hell (many mainline and liberal versions of Christianity downplay or reject the idea of hell completely (and Catholicism is split on the issue across a spectrum), so she sounds like she was probably raised more conservative evangelical?).

Anyway, I don’t know that it helps much, but whether or not she ultimately converts to Judaism, it can be important part of leaving a religion that has a firm hold on our habits of mind to practice reminding ourselves, “I don’t believe that anymore” or “that was what I was taught, but I don’t believe in that.” A lot of self-compassion and awareness are required.

Of course I’m coming from a particular background and my (Mormon) baggage is heavy and still at age 50 can rear its head in unexpected and painful ways (usually in other areas of my life, not in my Judaism).
Asher

#2 Never, ever thought I was going to hell if I converted. Never! Ever! I had long before stopped believing in my Catholic (Christian) religion before I even considered Judaism. Maybe she is not ready.
Shira

#3  Not being a hell-believer, this isn't anything I can personally relate to but I do have some thoughts. Christianity has a very well-developed sense of Hell (over-developed in my opinion) with eternal damnation etc. In that sense, it's a "negative" religion with the threat of Hell hanging over everything and where it's all about avoiding Hell at all costs. Meanwhile, Judaism has its Sheol but that seems pretty vague and is less defined, not much talked about, and is less of a "moving force" in Judaism, which is a more "positive" religion where it's all about doing the right thing, as opposed to the dread of doing something bad like going to Hell.

If the writer is concerned enough to ask the question then my gut feeling is she is considering conversion too soon. She might consider waiting till her sense of Christian Hell is lessened, which she could do by studying up on the "positive" aspects of Judaism, and thus not dwell on the "negative" aspect of Christianity.

Which is not to say Christianity is all negative, but Fear is a big deal in many forms of Christianity and I don't see that in Judaism much, certainly not to the same extent. A "kindly" Christianity would say "thanks for being part of us but we respect your need to move on to Judaism", whereas a "negative" Christianity would say "you are a sinner for jumping ship and you will go to Hell for it". So a concurrent approach would be to re-craft her outgoing Christian thinking to where she sees her form of Christianity in the kindly category, one which allows her out without retribution.
Eliezer

#4  There are a variety of emotions that I had to resolve during my conversion to Judaism. Christianity definitely brainwashes people that the ONLY way into heaven is by believing in Jesus. I have Christian friends who try to guilt trip me into converting to Christianity. They don't know that I converted from Christianity to Judaism because that would be opening up a can of worms so I never share that fact with them. After they try to guilt trip me, I just smile at them and remain silent then move the conversation away from the topic.

BUT with that said...

Based on fishing expeditions by well-intended Christian friends, I have felt from time to time the guilt trip a little bit. But it's the type of guilt that you feel when someone shames you for something, even when you know you did nothing wrong. I’ve had that done to me as a cruel control mechanism.

Christianity teaches that you are guilty just by being born (that's the concept known as original sin), that there is no way G-d can forgive you by your own merits, and that Jesus MUST continually intercede on your behalf otherwise you will be sent straight to hell when you die, where you will burn FOREVER with no hope of reprieve. So if you repent with wailing and gnashing of teeth in this lifetime, you can be forgiven only through God's grace bestowed to you in your pitiful condition. But you have to continually ask for forgiveness, so "forgiven" is not the end of the story. In the analogy of a court of law, in Christianity G-d is the judge AND the jury. Christianity as a whole preaches the ONLY salvation is through the "blood of the lamb (meaning Jesus who died on the cross to redeem us from sin)." That message is a very persistent drumbeat. One hears it MULTIPLE TIMES in every service and in every lesson.

But in Judaism, G-d is the defending attorney! This is a huge paradigm shift. If you have been brainwashed, it takes time to fully embrace the new paradigm. And with Jewish guilt added in, well you get my point. LOL

So... when I reflect back on the fact that converting to Judaism was the ONLY place that I felt at home, I quickly got over the guilt trips. But I can definitely understand if someone is wrestling with this. Especially if they recently left Christianity.
Miriam Eliana

#5 I was quite perplexed with the question. Conversion is a long and very personal process. I am sensing at this particular point, she is still considering. That's OK to ponder with questions in order to seek the personal answers -- it is nothing to be shameful about. There is a reason we study with Rabbi and get involved in the community during conversion process.
Binah

#6  Good heavens. If she believes that part of her religion, why on earth is she considering converting? For me, the whole "you're going to hell if you don't believe this" piece of Christianity never EVER sat well with me. I nodded my head in agreement because I was trying with every fiber of my being to believe it. The alternative to believing it being an eternity of consumption by flames. What a relief to find a religion that encourages me to question everything (thanks, Judaism!) and that doesn't have any firm belief (as far as I know of) about what happens when a person dies. I love the quote I heard from a rabbi on NPR once who said something to the effect of: "The people who tell you what happens when you die don't know; the people who know what happens when you die can't tell you."

This woman doesn't sound like she's ready to convert or to even consider it a hypothetical option if she can't shake the belief of hell for "non-believers" in the afterlife.
Ruth

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A Modern Lesson from Sodom & Gomorrah

11/9/2020

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(Portion of the painting Sodom and Gomorrah by Jacob de Wet II)

Rabbi Daniel Stein shared a teaching with his congregation that I want to share with you.

I wanted to share an idea that especially relevant to the period of uncertainty in which we find ourselves.

In The Beginning of Wisdom (2006), University of Chicago ethicist Leon Kass puts forward a critical claim about the book of Genesis: unlike later sections of the Torah, which explicitly put forward right conduct and behavior in terms of law, Genesis asks the reader to discern moral actions from the deeds of our ancestors. We learn from Adam, Even, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, and the whole cast of characters what it means to lead an ethical life. Reflecting on the Interactions of God and Abraham at the trial of Sodom and Gomorrah, which we read this week, Kass develops an idea that is speaks to our current moment:

“Abraham, the founder of a great nation, must do righteousness and justice, and command his children after him to do likewise, for only in this way can Abraham bring the Lord's righteous ways to the entire world, and thus be a blessing to all nations of the earth. Although he has shown himself to be personally righteous, Abraham, because he is to be a political founder, needs also some instruction in political justice, that is, in justice regarding whole communities—cities or nations. God, the teacher, not only wants Abraham, the student, to know about the judgment against Sodom and Gomorrah; he also wants him to understand its rightness. More importantly, God also intends that Abraham share responsibility for the punishment as a result of his participation in the judgment. To this conversation, which is revealed to be far more than merely a master class in political science, Abraham is become God's partner, as it were, in executing political justice....

For Abraham, the lesson could not be more pointed: his excessive preoccupation with God's personal promise, with his own merit and its reward—that is, with personal justice—is in fact odds with the fulfillment of the purpose of God's promise that he become a great nation, steeped in righteousness and doing justice, to become a blessing to all others. The implication could not be plainer: because a community once founded will stand or fall together, and because one man's virtue is not sufficient, there is urgent need for education and transmission, beginning with a well-ordered house and with political measures to secure justice in the community and this lesson could not be timelier.”

Rabbi Stein

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Kristallnacht is tonight

11/9/2020

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(Photo of the synagogue in Aachen after its destruction)

Tonight begins the annual observance of Kristallnacht - the Night of Broken Glass - when Nazis in 1938 destroyed Jewish businesses, homes, synagogues and schools. Thousands of Jews were arrested, many beaten, some killed. Before a rabbi allows a student to convert he or she explains anti-Semitism to them. It is vital that a person not choose to be Jewish if this thought is too much for them. Anyone may live a good and righteous life as a non-Jew.

Tonight on Kristallnacht Jews around the world remember this fatal event. Synagogues and Jewish communities typically come together to remember and memorialize.
Learn more at My Jewish Learning.

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Is the Christmas Tree an issue?

10/27/2020

14 Comments

I have another question from our curious young woman.
She asked about how Jews by Choice feel about the Christmas tree. Here are her 3 questions.

What do converts know of the origins of the Christmas tree?
Given that it is pagan, would you have one in your home – especially if your kids wanted one? Why or why not.
Do you view a Christmas tree as Christian?

Replies:

There is not a conflict for me as I currently live alone and do not have to consider children.
Yes, of course I view a Christmas tree as Christian! The name is clear, no? Christ-mas tree!
My son and grandsons do celebrate Christmas, largely as a secular holiday, and have a Christmas tree. I enjoy buying them Christmas presents and dining with them that day, but it is clear that I do not celebrate the holiday and my son refers to my gifts as Hanukkah gifts.
Hannah 

***

Here are a few thoughts about my understanding of Christmas trees:
They originally were put up to celebrate winter solstice, or Yule, or Yuletide, and the days growing longer again after the solstice occurred (a pagan celebration).

The Catholic church co-opted these celebrations into Christmas and turned the Yule tree into a Christmas tree, so now it’s basically a Christian-related tree vs. Yule or pagan.

Many people see Christmas trees and other Christmas items as “folk” or family traditions instead of religious traditions. I have siblings who are in that camp.

I also have Jewish friends who celebrate the holiday season with a Christmas or Yule tree. One Jewish friend hangs a stocking on her fireplace mantle next to her tree, but the stocking has “Happy Hannukah” on it, which I think is kind of funny. I don’t take many of these cross-over things very seriously. To me, almost everything is a form mythology (e.g., Santa Claus, the oil burning 8 nights), and it’s just a matter of which mythology you choose or prefer.

My born Jewish wife and I don’t mind “helping” non-Jews celebrate Christmas (such as my siblings) but we don’t celebrate it ourselves and don’t have a tree or other Christmas items -- Chanuka only. Some Jews participate in Christmas activities, as if they didn’t want to “miss out” on the fun, or they see it as a form of “multiculturalism” or “diversity”, but to me Christmas commercialism is so overwhelming, I can’t see it as something that needs further promotion.

But again, I don’t take these things as seriously as my wife does. It is interesting to me that some Jews refuse to get stressed about anything pertaining to Christmas while other Jews become seriously depressed about it, as if their “seasonal affected depression” is triggered or made even worse by the Christmas season. My wife tends to fall into that category, especially when it comes to our adult daughter’s husband and in-laws celebrating Christmas, but I try not to go down that path and try to take more of a “live and let live” approach. Again, it’s all mythology of one form or another, and when kids grow up, they will see it all for what it is. I realize that some people have much stronger sentimental attachments to things they did growing up than I do. I tend to be more skeptical and detached. Personalities are all over the map, so it’s easy to make generalizations that are not accurate.
David

***
I see it as a seasonal symbol, not Jewish but also not specifically Christian. I have no kids but my partner loves to have a tree as a symbol of New Year with no specific religious meaning (c’mon, it’s not a créche!!) so I have no problem with it so far.
Adir

***

I love this question. Here is my far-too-long response!

1. Recognize that for many Jews by choice, the CTI (Christmas Tree Issue) can be as long-lived as a redwood tree and if you are concerned about it now be warned that you might be concerned about it for years to come! However by the time you finish reading this, maybe not.

2. The Christmas tree being pagan in origin is a point relevant only in a conversation about the pagan origins of things with the few people who can get their mind around what pagan even means. It's not relevant for Jews who converted from a Christian tradition because of just that, they converted from a Christian tradition, not from a pagan tradition.

3. The pagan origins of the Christmas tree is also not relevant for two sets of non-Jews: Christians, who consider it a part of their Christian holiday; and agnostics and atheists who celebrate Christmas as a delightful holiday but who turn a blind eye to the Christian themes. That last point is easy to do because in fact the Christian themes are secondary to the agnostic-themes such as Santa, santa hats, red and white candy-canes, anything else red and white, reindeer, red noses, antlers, gaily-colored wrapped gifts, red ribbons, anything and everything red and green, holly, snowflakes, robins in the snow, sleighs riding through the snow, snowmen sitting in snow, anything else in the snow, etc etc, and not forgetting mistletoe and yule logs (bringing up the pagan rear guard again). The fact that Christmas is "supposed" to be anything about Christianity is lost in a blizzard of Christmas-imagery, which are essentially "winter celebration things".

4. Missing from that list above is: the Christmas tree. It's such a central point to the Christmas-imagery list that it deserves to be in a list of one all by itself. A Christmas tree means only one thing, Christmas; its very name says it all. It doesn't have a darned thing to do with Christianity, but as per above list it has everything to do with Christmas.

5. For Jewish converts struggling with the CTI, that can be a lot of heavy baggage to drag out of the way on the journey to living-Jewish, a point which is important to Jews by Choice who are sensitive to imagery which either "proves" their Jewishness (like having a menorah in the window) or "proves" their previous non-Jewish background (like having a Christmas tree in the window).

6. Neither of those things actually prove anything but such imagery is a touchstone which sends out a signal to the Jew by Choice and to everyone else regarding "what that person really is".

7. Having a Christmas tree, if you are a Jew by Choice, sends a mixed signal. "Who am I?" says that signal. For yourself, if you converted, then you are a Jew, and having a tree in the living room for 2 weeks of the year will not undo your conversion. For everyone else looking through the window, it's none of their damned business but if you are troubled by that put the tree away from the window.

8. The Jew by Choice struggling with the CTI may be tempted to claim "it's OK for me to have a Christmas tree because it's pagan in origin", but that would be dishonest (even if it's a factually true statement) since it's not very likely they ever gave paganism a second thought when they had a Christmas tree back in their pre-Jewish days, and it certainly won't convince anyone else looking in as they won't know anything about pagan origins unless they were in that rarified conversation in paragraph 2 above.

9. But having a Christmas tree because your kids want one is a very good reason to have one. Who says one set of people can't join in the cultural fun of another set of people? If you lived in a society that keeps to its own, such as Hasidic Jews do, then this and other dilemmas of assimilation don't arise but the fact you are even asking about the CTI suggests you aren't anywhere close to such a society. The value to the kids in having one may be greater than the value to yourself in not having one.

10. So buy the tree and enjoy it and assuage any guilt by blaming the kids. Then when they grow up stop having one, if the CTI still bothers you. By then you may have dropped it anyway, or you will have come to realize that having one doesn't actually matter unless you make it matter. Either way, at that point the CTI will no longer be an issue.
Eliezer

Note: It is a very Western culture viewpoint to see individual expression as of primary importance. Judaism is not an individualistic culture; it is communal. What impacts one Jew, impacts all Jews. We should be thoughtful in what we dismiss as simply for our own happiness.

***

About Christmas trees -- I don't have one, but I also don't view it as Christian because Christmas is so commercialized nowadays anyway together with all the expected shopping, trees, etc. It is like red roses for Valentine's Day...

I don't have kids, but if I did, I would take this as an opportunities to explain what it is, what it symbolized, etc. with a view of understanding "foreign cultures." In fact, my father is a daoist. That was how he explained the Christmas tree and other different religions to me when I was growing up. It's more of cultural arts/humanities & social studies in our home back in the days.
Binah

What do you know of the origins of the Christmas tree?
Originally German. Came to England through German rulers. There were early German influences (late 1700’s- early 1800’s) in the US & Canada. The popularity of Christmas trees in Victorian England (1840’+) really cemented the popularity of Christmas trees in America.

Given that it is pagan, would you have one in your home
Pagan origin has nothing to do with it. Do you think that Jews were the first people to blow rams horns or play harps?
We haven’t had one in our home for more than 20 years. Even before that we didn’t place much importance on it. We did go to friends Christmas parties and our daughter went to homes for friends and relatives who had Christmas trees.

Do you view a Christmas tree as Christian?
They are both a Christian thing and, in our era a more cultural item.
Don’t forget that, historically, some American Jews did have Christmas trees. Southern Jews often had them. Alfred Uhry wrote three plays about Southern Jews in his Atlanta Trilogy. In the first two, about assimilated Jews, Driving Miss Daisy and Last Night at Ballyhoo, there are Christmas trees at the parties in the protagonists houses – without stars or creches.
Most of the intermarried families that I know have trees and Christmas parties.
Mikhael

Note: Mikhael is right, most interfaith families have a Christmas tree. This speaks to the intense power and attachment that the tree represents, to Americans (not necessarily Christian) who have had one all their life. We can dismiss this, but we would be foolish to do so. Anything with such a strong emotional impact on humans matters.

***

Christmas trees are of pagan origin. Pagan pretty much means Avodah Zara. Avodah Zara is explicitly forbidden. So no Christmas trees in Jewish homes if you care about biblical commandments.
Shifra

Note: I am glad Shifra raises this important point as it is often forgotten. The Torah does not say a single word about Christianity because Christianity didn't exist in biblical times. It has a great deal to say about paganism; in fact it rails against paganism. In today's world few Jews feel threatened by pagan practice, however is it biblically forbidden. Whether you personally accept this it is important to understand that historical and traditional Judaism do! Therefore, know what the teachings say and be prepared to discuss this topic knowledgably.

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My Conversion experience during Covid

10/2/2020

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Here is another first person story of choosing Judaism.

by Elisheva, a Reform convert

I completed my beit din in July of 2020. The ceremony occurred, rather strangely, via Zoom with 3 clergy members on video. The clergy agreed that there is no practical way to have the mikvah amid Covid restrictions, so that part will be scheduled later.

Prior to my conversion, I had visited several synagogues and attended Shabbat and other events, including almost a full cycle of holidays, mostly at Temple Sinai in Oakland, CA. My exploration confirmed to me that I felt most at home and in synch with Temple Sinai. Before the shelter in place, I met regularly with a rabbi there on my path to conversion.

The Hebrew name I selected reflects and honors a connection to my grandmother, the person I was closest to while growing up. I like knowing that I now have this Jewish name as a foundation.

Following is the essay I prepared for the ceremony.

My Thoughts on Becoming Jewish
By Elisheva

It’s intensely significant & emotional to have found the spiritual place where I belong. Taking this step feels right, in my mind and in my heart. I am fully embracing what is truly within me. It took years, and a winding path, to get here, which I’ll share briefly. In 2019, a specific thought came to me. I can’t recall hearing this anywhere else, but it appeared clearly in my mind:    These threads were always within me, waiting to be woven.

In 2019, my longtime but casual affinity for the Jewish faith nudged me onto a deeper path. I began attending Temple Sinai in Oakland. After awhile, I started meeting with Rabbi Yoni Regev to formally adopt Judaism as my faith.

Throughout 2019, I attended Shabbat regularly and went to other events, including Temple Sinai’s High Holy Days. I attended a few events at other synagogues, which were positive, but I felt Sinai was the best fit. Sometimes at Temple Sinai I have felt an intense sensation and the hairs on my arms actually stand up – something is telling me I am in the right place.

Being restricted by the Covid pandemic is very difficult. I am introverted and need quiet time, but I also need to be with people. This imposed “virtual” world can be lonely. It’s triggered painful flashbacks to growing up in a disengaged and silent family. I’m grateful for the ways you [the clergy of Temple Sinai] are working to maintain connections. I “attend” Shabbat online and am in my 4th Hebrew class via Zoom. I appreciate Dawn Kepler and Linda Burnett – their steady outreach has been vital.

Some background: I grew up in a small town in Michigan, a country kid. My backyard was 54 acres and my grandparents next door had the remnants of a farm. My family attended a Methodist church in the “big city” (Ann Arbor). My Mom was sincerely Christian; for my Dad it was merely perfunctory. For my brother it provided a social outlet. For me, it never jibed. Jesus most likely existed historically as a person, but even from an early age I never accepted the Christian beliefs. (I respect Christians; the precepts just didn’t feel right to me). Also, I resented being forced to attend. I didn’t want to be there because I knew my heart wasn’t in it. Those experiences probably discouraged me from a spiritual pursuit for a long time.

Through college and beyond, I always had Jewish friends. I attempted to find a spiritual path. However, I guess I thought people either “were or weren’t Jewish” and I didn’t venture into exploring Judaism back then. A few times, I went to a Unitarian church, which was like a series of interesting lectures, but not a religious experience. Life went on. I graduated from college, moved to California, survived cancer, pursued my career and my creative passions.

But things happen for a reason. “When the student is ready, the teacher appears” and when I finally made it to Shabbat at Temple Sinai, it was the right time. Wondering why I didn’t do this 10, or 20, or 30 years ago is pointless. You are where you are. I’m not the only one to find Judaism later in life.

I feel a deep empathy for the roots of Judaism. I feel very humble and respectful about the history, absolutely sickened at the oppression and hardship imposed on this People. Any decent human being mourns the unfathomable evil of the Holocaust; how could this be? An alarming hostility continues today, sometimes a subtle undercurrent, sometime blatant and violent. Yet the Jewish people have endured, ever rekindling a deep appreciation of relationship, tradition, worship and joy. I didn’t grow up Jewish – and all I can do now is learn, participate and keep building a relationship to this community for the rest of my life.

One element I especially appreciate is Judaism’s acknowledgment that God’s essence can be perceived and yet at the same time, God can be unknown or undefined. Judaism is OK with that; in fact, it relishes confrontation with the mystery. To me, that signals intellectual bravery and honesty.

Paraphrased from God Was Not in the Fire by Rabbi Daniel Gordis:  Jewish life is interested not in proving God’s existence, but in feeling God’s presence.

            Einstein spoke of things “beyond the edge of human comprehension…”  To me, that is where God is.

I believe that the ideas and words expressed in the Torah came together from divine revelation, yet God is beyond human language. The entire Hebrew Bible is a treasure to be studied and examined. Interpretations can vary without invalidating the essential truth.

            How is Judaism affecting my life? I’m more aware of the need to engage in tikkun olam – learning, helping, being active. I’m more aware of the power of a community. I love to study the Siddur and learn more about Hebrew. I want to bring Jewish events and people even more into my life.

I pray that our community spaces will reopen because I think that is essential. We’re not meant to live online.

To summarize, my journey into Judaism continues. It is oftentimes joyful but also reverential, and something I do not take lightly. It is a serious pursuit with deep layers. It is intricate and yet fundamentally simple at its most primary core.

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Was it Hard to Let Go of Jesus?

10/2/2020

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A woman contacted me with the following request: I’m seeking to understand conversion and what makes people convert basically. What makes a person choose one religion over another and convert eventually. I have burning questions. May I pose them to you?

First Question
Christians believe that Jesus is their savior and that he's the son of God; without him, there is no way to get to Heaven otherwise. How did you handle the feeling of letting go of Jesus and the idea that was the only way and letting go of the salvation of your soul? I know many Jews and Christians who think Jesus was more a prophet than the son of G-d. So was it easier to put him in that view? Did you feel any anguish or emotional conflict?

I sent this inquiry to our Jews by choice and asked for their replies. Here's what they said.

Eliezer
My own observations are these:
Christianity has different degrees of belief (just as Judaism does).
(1) You can be a Christian with a minimal sense of Jesus and Heaven, ie such people are "ritualistic" Christians where it's more a matter of tradition and community and reciting familiar words; Jesus being your savior and Heaven are vague undefined elements.
(2) Then there are "active" Christians who really do believe in those things and for whom Jesus is the whole point of their lives.
(3) And then there are people from a Christian heritage who think it's all a bunch of hooey.
I imagine that a Christian who converts to Judaism either fell in the first category all along and was drawn to Judaism because Judaism gave their love of ritual some meaning; or they had been in the second category and outright lost their faith; or they were in the third category and were glad to recognize in Judaism a religion that doesn't rely on supernatural stories about virgin births and walking on water.
Going from the first category to Judaism would be a process of evolving; it's all but impossible to believe someone could jump from the active second category straight into Judaism; it's quite likely that many, many converts come from the third category.
So on your questioner's question about "letting go of Jesus": for the Jewish convert he was already gone.

Binah
Interesting... As you know I grew up in the Roman Catholic school and the last thing my school principal Sister Madeleine said to me at graduation was, "You know I and the other sisters here in the convent love you a lot, you are a very special child. Please promise me you will be baptized one day before you die. I really want to be able to see you in heaven!"

So it got me thinking about why is the "heaven" idea so quintessential to the Christianity ideology. And of course the holy trinity -- Father, son and the holy ghost.

For the years after that traumatizing request, I spent years studying and learning about other religions as a hobby. Actually, it is more of a process of personal search. For me personally, it was the Daoist philosophy that helped a lot with the conversion process, believe it or not! It was the idea of karma from the eastern philosophy (Dao, Buddhism and Ayurvedic altogether). In this universe, we are all beings searching for happiness. And if we think about it, happiness is different for everyone because of the influence of personal religion, upbringing, environment, family, etc.

Sister Madeleine was right, in her ideology. The basis of her message was out of love. If we take one step up on the macro chain, her love was based on the boundary she defined, so I appreciate the love fully. Am I damned if I am not a Christian? Well, the question is... Jesus was a good Jew. He was the "son" in the trinity, therefore, he only accepted the Father and Holy Ghost out of the trinity. So, what do you say to that???

At the end, I think if we can accept the different meanings of happiness to different people AND let it be. Just accept the fact that different people have different ideologies, but the most important is we all strive to be kind in our own definition. That is MY essence of tikkun olam. After all, we are in pursuit of happiness in this world.

Ruth
I was raised “born again.”
I feel no anguish AT ALL about letting go of the idea that belief that Jesus is the son of G-d as the only ticket to heaven. I was raised Christian and was TORMENTED by this being drilled into my head. I never truly believed it, although I claimed to because I knew if I didn't I would spend eternity in hell being tortured for my sins and be consumed by flames. But it never ever ever made sense to me or felt like it could possibly be even remotely true. When I discovered that one of the responsibilities required of being Jewish is to question everything, I couldn't convert fast enough. It's a horrible feeling to be told that you are going to hell because you don't believe in your heart something people are telling you you have to believe.

Lirit
I grew up Catholic, and I thought about this question a lot.

I had great regard for Jesus, and especially for the things he said about showing kindness to other people. I thought that he spoke for God but had always (since the age of 8 or 9) had a hard time believing that he was God. Why would any human being be God? It worried me that I had to believe this, above all, in order to be saved -- to not spend eternity in hell. Why were my thoughts more important than my actions?

In high school I went with a boyfriend to some Protestant retreat where we were told that anyone who didn't believe in Jesus would go to hell. I said that I didn't think a merciful God would send Jews to hell -- God had made covenants with the Jews. The minister quoted various new testament verses to me. I just couldn't buy it. Jews had been born into their religion, just like I had.

I became an agnostic and married 2 agnostics of Jewish descent. At 60 I had a gig at a synagogue, and when introduced to the rabbi, asked if I could make an appointment to talk to her.

She gave me a lot of things to read, and I learned that Jews do not view the Messiah as a savior from sin, nor will he be God. There's not really a lot about the Messiah in the Torah.

When I got closer to conversion, Rabbi M-M asked me (as, she told me, she asks everyone who grows up Christian) what my relationship to Jesus was. I told her that it was rather like my relationship to Abraham Lincoln -- someone in history that I think a lot of, and even love. But do I think either of them were God? No.

Later, as I read about early Christians and the Roman Empire, I wondered if the Romans didn't deify Jesus so that they could ignore most of the humanitarian things he said. What they thought mattered most was belief in him.

I'm not worried about being saved. I have a relationship with God, which must mean the same thing, and I don't believe in eternal damnation. I don't know what happens afterward, but I have chosen to live a Jewish life.

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Transitioning to my true self includes converting to Judaism. Can I?

What Is Haftarah and How Do I Chant It?

My rabbi doesn’t understand what Christmas means to me

One Synagogue's Conversion Program

Did you ever fear going to hell if you converted?

A Modern Lesson from Sodom & Gomorrah

Kristallnacht is tonight

Is the Christmas Tree an issue?

My Conversion experience during Covid

Was it Hard to Let Go of Jesus?

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