Blog Posts - BECOMING JEWISH

A Modern Lesson from Sodom & Gomorrah

11/9/2020

(Portion of the painting Sodom and Gomorrah by Jacob de Wet II)

Rabbi Daniel Stein shared a teaching with his congregation that I want to share with you.

I wanted to share an idea that especially relevant to the period of uncertainty in which we find ourselves.

In The Beginning of Wisdom (2006), University of Chicago ethicist Leon Kass puts forward a critical claim about the book of Genesis: unlike later sections of the Torah, which explicitly put forward right conduct and behavior in terms of law, Genesis asks the reader to discern moral actions from the deeds of our ancestors. We learn from Adam, Even, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, and the whole cast of characters what it means to lead an ethical life. Reflecting on the Interactions of God and Abraham at the trial of Sodom and Gomorrah, which we read this week, Kass develops an idea that is speaks to our current moment:

“Abraham, the founder of a great nation, must do righteousness and justice, and command his children after him to do likewise, for only in this way can Abraham bring the Lord's righteous ways to the entire world, and thus be a blessing to all nations of the earth. Although he has shown himself to be personally righteous, Abraham, because he is to be a political founder, needs also some instruction in political justice, that is, in justice regarding whole communities—cities or nations. God, the teacher, not only wants Abraham, the student, to know about the judgment against Sodom and Gomorrah; he also wants him to understand its rightness. More importantly, God also intends that Abraham share responsibility for the punishment as a result of his participation in the judgment. To this conversation, which is revealed to be far more than merely a master class in political science, Abraham is become God's partner, as it were, in executing political justice....

For Abraham, the lesson could not be more pointed: his excessive preoccupation with God's personal promise, with his own merit and its reward—that is, with personal justice—is in fact odds with the fulfillment of the purpose of God's promise that he become a great nation, steeped in righteousness and doing justice, to become a blessing to all others. The implication could not be plainer: because a community once founded will stand or fall together, and because one man's virtue is not sufficient, there is urgent need for education and transmission, beginning with a well-ordered house and with political measures to secure justice in the community and this lesson could not be timelier.”

Rabbi Stein

Kristallnacht is tonight

11/9/2020

(Photo of the synagogue in Aachen after its destruction)

Tonight begins the annual observance of Kristallnacht - the Night of Broken Glass - when Nazis in 1938 destroyed Jewish businesses, homes, synagogues and schools. Thousands of Jews were arrested, many beaten, some killed. Before a rabbi allows a student to convert he or she explains anti-Semitism to them. It is vital that a person not choose to be Jewish if this thought is too much for them. Anyone may live a good and righteous life as a non-Jew.

Tonight on Kristallnacht Jews around the world remember this fatal event. Synagogues and Jewish communities typically come together to remember and memorialize.
Learn more at My Jewish Learning.

Is the Christmas Tree an issue?

10/27/2020

I have another question from our curious young woman.
She asked about how Jews by Choice feel about the Christmas tree. Here are her 3 questions.

What do converts know of the origins of the Christmas tree?
Given that it is pagan, would you have one in your home – especially if your kids wanted one? Why or why not.
Do you view a Christmas tree as Christian?

Replies:

There is not a conflict for me as I currently live alone and do not have to consider children.
Yes, of course I view a Christmas tree as Christian! The name is clear, no? Christ-mas tree!
My son and grandsons do celebrate Christmas, largely as a secular holiday, and have a Christmas tree. I enjoy buying them Christmas presents and dining with them that day, but it is clear that I do not celebrate the holiday and my son refers to my gifts as Hanukkah gifts.
Hannah 

***

Here are a few thoughts about my understanding of Christmas trees:
They originally were put up to celebrate winter solstice, or Yule, or Yuletide, and the days growing longer again after the solstice occurred (a pagan celebration).

The Catholic church co-opted these celebrations into Christmas and turned the Yule tree into a Christmas tree, so now it’s basically a Christian-related tree vs. Yule or pagan.

Many people see Christmas trees and other Christmas items as “folk” or family traditions instead of religious traditions. I have siblings who are in that camp.

I also have Jewish friends who celebrate the holiday season with a Christmas or Yule tree. One Jewish friend hangs a stocking on her fireplace mantle next to her tree, but the stocking has “Happy Hannukah” on it, which I think is kind of funny. I don’t take many of these cross-over things very seriously. To me, almost everything is a form mythology (e.g., Santa Claus, the oil burning 8 nights), and it’s just a matter of which mythology you choose or prefer.

My born Jewish wife and I don’t mind “helping” non-Jews celebrate Christmas (such as my siblings) but we don’t celebrate it ourselves and don’t have a tree or other Christmas items -- Chanuka only. Some Jews participate in Christmas activities, as if they didn’t want to “miss out” on the fun, or they see it as a form of “multiculturalism” or “diversity”, but to me Christmas commercialism is so overwhelming, I can’t see it as something that needs further promotion.

But again, I don’t take these things as seriously as my wife does. It is interesting to me that some Jews refuse to get stressed about anything pertaining to Christmas while other Jews become seriously depressed about it, as if their “seasonal affected depression” is triggered or made even worse by the Christmas season. My wife tends to fall into that category, especially when it comes to our adult daughter’s husband and in-laws celebrating Christmas, but I try not to go down that path and try to take more of a “live and let live” approach. Again, it’s all mythology of one form or another, and when kids grow up, they will see it all for what it is. I realize that some people have much stronger sentimental attachments to things they did growing up than I do. I tend to be more skeptical and detached. Personalities are all over the map, so it’s easy to make generalizations that are not accurate.
David

***
I see it as a seasonal symbol, not Jewish but also not specifically Christian. I have no kids but my partner loves to have a tree as a symbol of New Year with no specific religious meaning (c’mon, it’s not a créche!!) so I have no problem with it so far.
Adir

***

I love this question. Here is my far-too-long response!

1. Recognize that for many Jews by choice, the CTI (Christmas Tree Issue) can be as long-lived as a redwood tree and if you are concerned about it now be warned that you might be concerned about it for years to come! However by the time you finish reading this, maybe not.

2. The Christmas tree being pagan in origin is a point relevant only in a conversation about the pagan origins of things with the few people who can get their mind around what pagan even means. It's not relevant for Jews who converted from a Christian tradition because of just that, they converted from a Christian tradition, not from a pagan tradition.

3. The pagan origins of the Christmas tree is also not relevant for two sets of non-Jews: Christians, who consider it a part of their Christian holiday; and agnostics and atheists who celebrate Christmas as a delightful holiday but who turn a blind eye to the Christian themes. That last point is easy to do because in fact the Christian themes are secondary to the agnostic-themes such as Santa, santa hats, red and white candy-canes, anything else red and white, reindeer, red noses, antlers, gaily-colored wrapped gifts, red ribbons, anything and everything red and green, holly, snowflakes, robins in the snow, sleighs riding through the snow, snowmen sitting in snow, anything else in the snow, etc etc, and not forgetting mistletoe and yule logs (bringing up the pagan rear guard again). The fact that Christmas is "supposed" to be anything about Christianity is lost in a blizzard of Christmas-imagery, which are essentially "winter celebration things".

4. Missing from that list above is: the Christmas tree. It's such a central point to the Christmas-imagery list that it deserves to be in a list of one all by itself. A Christmas tree means only one thing, Christmas; its very name says it all. It doesn't have a darned thing to do with Christianity, but as per above list it has everything to do with Christmas.

5. For Jewish converts struggling with the CTI, that can be a lot of heavy baggage to drag out of the way on the journey to living-Jewish, a point which is important to Jews by Choice who are sensitive to imagery which either "proves" their Jewishness (like having a menorah in the window) or "proves" their previous non-Jewish background (like having a Christmas tree in the window).

6. Neither of those things actually prove anything but such imagery is a touchstone which sends out a signal to the Jew by Choice and to everyone else regarding "what that person really is".

7. Having a Christmas tree, if you are a Jew by Choice, sends a mixed signal. "Who am I?" says that signal. For yourself, if you converted, then you are a Jew, and having a tree in the living room for 2 weeks of the year will not undo your conversion. For everyone else looking through the window, it's none of their damned business but if you are troubled by that put the tree away from the window.

8. The Jew by Choice struggling with the CTI may be tempted to claim "it's OK for me to have a Christmas tree because it's pagan in origin", but that would be dishonest (even if it's a factually true statement) since it's not very likely they ever gave paganism a second thought when they had a Christmas tree back in their pre-Jewish days, and it certainly won't convince anyone else looking in as they won't know anything about pagan origins unless they were in that rarified conversation in paragraph 2 above.

9. But having a Christmas tree because your kids want one is a very good reason to have one. Who says one set of people can't join in the cultural fun of another set of people? If you lived in a society that keeps to its own, such as Hasidic Jews do, then this and other dilemmas of assimilation don't arise but the fact you are even asking about the CTI suggests you aren't anywhere close to such a society. The value to the kids in having one may be greater than the value to yourself in not having one.

10. So buy the tree and enjoy it and assuage any guilt by blaming the kids. Then when they grow up stop having one, if the CTI still bothers you. By then you may have dropped it anyway, or you will have come to realize that having one doesn't actually matter unless you make it matter. Either way, at that point the CTI will no longer be an issue.
Eliezer

Note: It is a very Western culture viewpoint to see individual expression as of primary importance. Judaism is not an individualistic culture; it is communal. What impacts one Jew, impacts all Jews. We should be thoughtful in what we dismiss as simply for our own happiness.

***

About Christmas trees -- I don't have one, but I also don't view it as Christian because Christmas is so commercialized nowadays anyway together with all the expected shopping, trees, etc. It is like red roses for Valentine's Day...

I don't have kids, but if I did, I would take this as an opportunities to explain what it is, what it symbolized, etc. with a view of understanding "foreign cultures." In fact, my father is a daoist. That was how he explained the Christmas tree and other different religions to me when I was growing up. It's more of cultural arts/humanities & social studies in our home back in the days.
Binah

What do you know of the origins of the Christmas tree?
Originally German. Came to England through German rulers. There were early German influences (late 1700’s- early 1800’s) in the US & Canada. The popularity of Christmas trees in Victorian England (1840’+) really cemented the popularity of Christmas trees in America.

Given that it is pagan, would you have one in your home
Pagan origin has nothing to do with it. Do you think that Jews were the first people to blow rams horns or play harps?
We haven’t had one in our home for more than 20 years. Even before that we didn’t place much importance on it. We did go to friends Christmas parties and our daughter went to homes for friends and relatives who had Christmas trees.

Do you view a Christmas tree as Christian?
They are both a Christian thing and, in our era a more cultural item.
Don’t forget that, historically, some American Jews did have Christmas trees. Southern Jews often had them. Alfred Uhry wrote three plays about Southern Jews in his Atlanta Trilogy. In the first two, about assimilated Jews, Driving Miss Daisy and Last Night at Ballyhoo, there are Christmas trees at the parties in the protagonists houses – without stars or creches.
Most of the intermarried families that I know have trees and Christmas parties.
Mikhael

Note: Mikhael is right, most interfaith families have a Christmas tree. This speaks to the intense power and attachment that the tree represents, to Americans (not necessarily Christian) who have had one all their life. We can dismiss this, but we would be foolish to do so. Anything with such a strong emotional impact on humans matters.

***

Christmas trees are of pagan origin. Pagan pretty much means Avodah Zara. Avodah Zara is explicitly forbidden. So no Christmas trees in Jewish homes if you care about biblical commandments.
Shifra

Note: I am glad Shifra raises this important point as it is often forgotten. The Torah does not say a single word about Christianity because Christianity didn't exist in biblical times. It has a great deal to say about paganism; in fact it rails against paganism. In today's world few Jews feel threatened by pagan practice, however is it biblically forbidden. Whether you personally accept this it is important to understand that historical and traditional Judaism do! Therefore, know what the teachings say and be prepared to discuss this topic knowledgably.

My Conversion experience during Covid

10/2/2020

Here is another first person story of choosing Judaism.

by Elisheva, a Reform convert

I completed my beit din in July of 2020. The ceremony occurred, rather strangely, via Zoom with 3 clergy members on video. The clergy agreed that there is no practical way to have the mikvah amid Covid restrictions, so that part will be scheduled later.

Prior to my conversion, I had visited several synagogues and attended Shabbat and other events, including almost a full cycle of holidays, mostly at Temple Sinai in Oakland, CA. My exploration confirmed to me that I felt most at home and in synch with Temple Sinai. Before the shelter in place, I met regularly with a rabbi there on my path to conversion.

The Hebrew name I selected reflects and honors a connection to my grandmother, the person I was closest to while growing up. I like knowing that I now have this Jewish name as a foundation.

Following is the essay I prepared for the ceremony.

My Thoughts on Becoming Jewish
By Elisheva

It’s intensely significant & emotional to have found the spiritual place where I belong. Taking this step feels right, in my mind and in my heart. I am fully embracing what is truly within me. It took years, and a winding path, to get here, which I’ll share briefly. In 2019, a specific thought came to me. I can’t recall hearing this anywhere else, but it appeared clearly in my mind:    These threads were always within me, waiting to be woven.

In 2019, my longtime but casual affinity for the Jewish faith nudged me onto a deeper path. I began attending Temple Sinai in Oakland. After awhile, I started meeting with Rabbi Yoni Regev to formally adopt Judaism as my faith.

Throughout 2019, I attended Shabbat regularly and went to other events, including Temple Sinai’s High Holy Days. I attended a few events at other synagogues, which were positive, but I felt Sinai was the best fit. Sometimes at Temple Sinai I have felt an intense sensation and the hairs on my arms actually stand up – something is telling me I am in the right place.

Being restricted by the Covid pandemic is very difficult. I am introverted and need quiet time, but I also need to be with people. This imposed “virtual” world can be lonely. It’s triggered painful flashbacks to growing up in a disengaged and silent family. I’m grateful for the ways you [the clergy of Temple Sinai] are working to maintain connections. I “attend” Shabbat online and am in my 4th Hebrew class via Zoom. I appreciate Dawn Kepler and Linda Burnett – their steady outreach has been vital.

Some background: I grew up in a small town in Michigan, a country kid. My backyard was 54 acres and my grandparents next door had the remnants of a farm. My family attended a Methodist church in the “big city” (Ann Arbor). My Mom was sincerely Christian; for my Dad it was merely perfunctory. For my brother it provided a social outlet. For me, it never jibed. Jesus most likely existed historically as a person, but even from an early age I never accepted the Christian beliefs. (I respect Christians; the precepts just didn’t feel right to me). Also, I resented being forced to attend. I didn’t want to be there because I knew my heart wasn’t in it. Those experiences probably discouraged me from a spiritual pursuit for a long time.

Through college and beyond, I always had Jewish friends. I attempted to find a spiritual path. However, I guess I thought people either “were or weren’t Jewish” and I didn’t venture into exploring Judaism back then. A few times, I went to a Unitarian church, which was like a series of interesting lectures, but not a religious experience. Life went on. I graduated from college, moved to California, survived cancer, pursued my career and my creative passions.

But things happen for a reason. “When the student is ready, the teacher appears” and when I finally made it to Shabbat at Temple Sinai, it was the right time. Wondering why I didn’t do this 10, or 20, or 30 years ago is pointless. You are where you are. I’m not the only one to find Judaism later in life.

I feel a deep empathy for the roots of Judaism. I feel very humble and respectful about the history, absolutely sickened at the oppression and hardship imposed on this People. Any decent human being mourns the unfathomable evil of the Holocaust; how could this be? An alarming hostility continues today, sometimes a subtle undercurrent, sometime blatant and violent. Yet the Jewish people have endured, ever rekindling a deep appreciation of relationship, tradition, worship and joy. I didn’t grow up Jewish – and all I can do now is learn, participate and keep building a relationship to this community for the rest of my life.

One element I especially appreciate is Judaism’s acknowledgment that God’s essence can be perceived and yet at the same time, God can be unknown or undefined. Judaism is OK with that; in fact, it relishes confrontation with the mystery. To me, that signals intellectual bravery and honesty.

Paraphrased from God Was Not in the Fire by Rabbi Daniel Gordis:  Jewish life is interested not in proving God’s existence, but in feeling God’s presence.

            Einstein spoke of things “beyond the edge of human comprehension…”  To me, that is where God is.

I believe that the ideas and words expressed in the Torah came together from divine revelation, yet God is beyond human language. The entire Hebrew Bible is a treasure to be studied and examined. Interpretations can vary without invalidating the essential truth.

            How is Judaism affecting my life? I’m more aware of the need to engage in tikkun olam – learning, helping, being active. I’m more aware of the power of a community. I love to study the Siddur and learn more about Hebrew. I want to bring Jewish events and people even more into my life.

I pray that our community spaces will reopen because I think that is essential. We’re not meant to live online.

To summarize, my journey into Judaism continues. It is oftentimes joyful but also reverential, and something I do not take lightly. It is a serious pursuit with deep layers. It is intricate and yet fundamentally simple at its most primary core.

Was it Hard to Let Go of Jesus?

10/2/2020

A woman contacted me with the following request: I’m seeking to understand conversion and what makes people convert basically. What makes a person choose one religion over another and convert eventually. I have burning questions. May I pose them to you?

First Question
Christians believe that Jesus is their savior and that he's the son of God; without him, there is no way to get to Heaven otherwise. How did you handle the feeling of letting go of Jesus and the idea that was the only way and letting go of the salvation of your soul? I know many Jews and Christians who think Jesus was more a prophet than the son of G-d. So was it easier to put him in that view? Did you feel any anguish or emotional conflict?

I sent this inquiry to our Jews by choice and asked for their replies. Here's what they said.

Eliezer
My own observations are these:
Christianity has different degrees of belief (just as Judaism does).
(1) You can be a Christian with a minimal sense of Jesus and Heaven, ie such people are "ritualistic" Christians where it's more a matter of tradition and community and reciting familiar words; Jesus being your savior and Heaven are vague undefined elements.
(2) Then there are "active" Christians who really do believe in those things and for whom Jesus is the whole point of their lives.
(3) And then there are people from a Christian heritage who think it's all a bunch of hooey.
I imagine that a Christian who converts to Judaism either fell in the first category all along and was drawn to Judaism because Judaism gave their love of ritual some meaning; or they had been in the second category and outright lost their faith; or they were in the third category and were glad to recognize in Judaism a religion that doesn't rely on supernatural stories about virgin births and walking on water.
Going from the first category to Judaism would be a process of evolving; it's all but impossible to believe someone could jump from the active second category straight into Judaism; it's quite likely that many, many converts come from the third category.
So on your questioner's question about "letting go of Jesus": for the Jewish convert he was already gone.

Binah
Interesting... As you know I grew up in the Roman Catholic school and the last thing my school principal Sister Madeleine said to me at graduation was, "You know I and the other sisters here in the convent love you a lot, you are a very special child. Please promise me you will be baptized one day before you die. I really want to be able to see you in heaven!"

So it got me thinking about why is the "heaven" idea so quintessential to the Christianity ideology. And of course the holy trinity -- Father, son and the holy ghost.

For the years after that traumatizing request, I spent years studying and learning about other religions as a hobby. Actually, it is more of a process of personal search. For me personally, it was the Daoist philosophy that helped a lot with the conversion process, believe it or not! It was the idea of karma from the eastern philosophy (Dao, Buddhism and Ayurvedic altogether). In this universe, we are all beings searching for happiness. And if we think about it, happiness is different for everyone because of the influence of personal religion, upbringing, environment, family, etc.

Sister Madeleine was right, in her ideology. The basis of her message was out of love. If we take one step up on the macro chain, her love was based on the boundary she defined, so I appreciate the love fully. Am I damned if I am not a Christian? Well, the question is... Jesus was a good Jew. He was the "son" in the trinity, therefore, he only accepted the Father and Holy Ghost out of the trinity. So, what do you say to that???

At the end, I think if we can accept the different meanings of happiness to different people AND let it be. Just accept the fact that different people have different ideologies, but the most important is we all strive to be kind in our own definition. That is MY essence of tikkun olam. After all, we are in pursuit of happiness in this world.

Ruth
I was raised “born again.”
I feel no anguish AT ALL about letting go of the idea that belief that Jesus is the son of G-d as the only ticket to heaven. I was raised Christian and was TORMENTED by this being drilled into my head. I never truly believed it, although I claimed to because I knew if I didn't I would spend eternity in hell being tortured for my sins and be consumed by flames. But it never ever ever made sense to me or felt like it could possibly be even remotely true. When I discovered that one of the responsibilities required of being Jewish is to question everything, I couldn't convert fast enough. It's a horrible feeling to be told that you are going to hell because you don't believe in your heart something people are telling you you have to believe.

Lirit
I grew up Catholic, and I thought about this question a lot.

I had great regard for Jesus, and especially for the things he said about showing kindness to other people. I thought that he spoke for God but had always (since the age of 8 or 9) had a hard time believing that he was God. Why would any human being be God? It worried me that I had to believe this, above all, in order to be saved -- to not spend eternity in hell. Why were my thoughts more important than my actions?

In high school I went with a boyfriend to some Protestant retreat where we were told that anyone who didn't believe in Jesus would go to hell. I said that I didn't think a merciful God would send Jews to hell -- God had made covenants with the Jews. The minister quoted various new testament verses to me. I just couldn't buy it. Jews had been born into their religion, just like I had.

I became an agnostic and married 2 agnostics of Jewish descent. At 60 I had a gig at a synagogue, and when introduced to the rabbi, asked if I could make an appointment to talk to her.

She gave me a lot of things to read, and I learned that Jews do not view the Messiah as a savior from sin, nor will he be God. There's not really a lot about the Messiah in the Torah.

When I got closer to conversion, Rabbi M-M asked me (as, she told me, she asks everyone who grows up Christian) what my relationship to Jesus was. I told her that it was rather like my relationship to Abraham Lincoln -- someone in history that I think a lot of, and even love. But do I think either of them were God? No.

Later, as I read about early Christians and the Roman Empire, I wondered if the Romans didn't deify Jesus so that they could ignore most of the humanitarian things he said. What they thought mattered most was belief in him.

I'm not worried about being saved. I have a relationship with God, which must mean the same thing, and I don't believe in eternal damnation. I don't know what happens afterward, but I have chosen to live a Jewish life.

Converting During Covid - another perspective

6/29/2020

Dear Dawn,

I read with interest your article in J., “I can’t finish my conversion because of Covid-19,” and wanted to offer another perspective.

I am a member of the mentor cohort at Congregation Sherith Israel. As a mentor, my responsibilities include working one-to-one with a conversion student, teaching, guiding, modeling, and supporting in whatever ways I can. CSI’s mentoring program includes a 3-month Introduction to Judaism class, student meetings with clergy, encouragement for students to be actively attending services and/or Torah Study on a regular basis, involvement in synagogue activities, an Introduction to Hebrew course, written essays summarizing the conversion experience, and of course ongoing meetings and communication with the student’s mentor.

Certainly Covid-19 has challenged everything we know about business as usual. My student had finished all required coursework, and had been actively involved in synagogue life for over a year. Perhaps motivated by the fact that our cantor would be leaving the area this month, my student and I worked with two members of our clergy to complete the conversion process. Do we have exceptional clergy? I happen to think so. Working with Rabbi Jessica Zimmerman Graf and Cantor David Frommer, my student completed her essays, leaving only the Beit Din, Mikvah, and blessings in front of the congregation. Cantor Frommer led the Beit Din via Zoom, with my student, Rabbi Graf, and I present and participating. Two days later, my student, accompanied by Rabbi Graf and I, met in the San Francisco Marina. It was a typical San Francisco morning, foggy and drizzling. At the beach, my student removed her sweat pants and tee-shirt, and wearing only a swimsuit, bravely made her way into the San Francisco Bay. The rabbi had instructed my student in the proper blessings, and procedures for submersion. Once deep enough into the water, my almost Jewish student removed her bathing suit, and held it above her head as she immersed herself three times. Both the Beit Din and Mikvah were completely kosher. Finally, my student, now a Jew By Choice was blessed in front of the congregation at our weekly Shabbat service via Zoom. As an active synagogue member and conversion mentor, I am certain my experience in the entire process with my student, particularly the Beit Din and Mikvah will remain a highlight of my synagogue life.

All best,
Susan B.

I so appreciate the creativity of Susan and her student. I posed this idea to the writer of the original letter. Although she is a swimmer she opted for an indoor mikvah. But a natural body of water is always an option!

‘I can’t finish my conversion because of Covid’

6/25/2020

I received the following letter from a Bay Area Seeker. I answered in my column, Mixed and Matched in the J-weekly. Here is my correspondence with Beth.

Dear Dawn: After I formally prepared for more than a year, my beit din and mikvah were going to be scheduled for this spring. Now they are postponed because of the shutdown. I’m grateful for many things, and I continue to study. At the same time, I’m disappointed. There’s no way to do the mikvah now. Standing in my shower while holding a cellphone with the rabbi officiating from afar will not be adequate! As for the beit din, conducting it on Zoom seems so impersonal — even if that were possible, I’d rather wait. I feel lost, not being an official member of my Reform synagogue in Oakland. I feel lonely. I yearn for the time when we can resume Shabbat and other communal gatherings together, not online. Getting closer to age 60, I am so eager to fulfill what I know is right for me. I’m trying to be patient! Would love to hear your thoughts. — Beth

Dear Beth: I am sorry you are having an especially tough time. I respect and agree with your assessment that an “electronic” mikvah would be less than satisfying. And a beit din on Zoom would lack the warmth of an in-person dialogue.
Here are a few things that I hope will help.
First, your rabbi certainly considers you a part of their community whether you are a member or not. He/she probably has spent more time with you than the average congregant due to your studies. Additionally, the only thing you can’t do that a congregant can do right now is vote. Come the High Holidays, you’ll be there! I am confident your rabbi wants to be sure you are staying connected to your Judaism.
I’ll bet your feeling of loneliness would be there at this time even if you were a member. The inability to be with others and not being able to go to the mikvah are feeding into each other.
Let me tell you a story that’s been helping me. A member of my congregation survived the Holocaust as a hidden child. She was around 10 years old and was hidden in a bathroom. For years she saw little more than the bathroom.
Talk about boring and lonely. Yes, there was a family in the house around her, but no friends, no outdoors, no school, no peers.
When I feel like crawling the walls, I think of her. She is one of the sunniest personalities I know. Clearly her own character traits served her well at that time and in the decades since, as she has not carried a disabling grief with her; I’m not sure I could do that. In tough moments I try to emulate her and to find my own internal strength.
Here are some suggestions to help you move forward.
• Go for social-distancing walks with friends. Being in the physical presence of people who love you will help
• Email your rabbi and tell him/her of your difficult emotional status. I’ll bet the rabbi can connect you with other members online (or by phone) who would enjoy being in touch.
• Be firm with yourself and use the internet as much as you can bear. I know it is not at all as good as real people, but it is what we have right now. It is our safe “bathroom.”
• Create a calendar of scheduled activities that you tell yourself you must do (even though they are online).
• Attend your congregation’s online services and Torah study.
• Get on email lists that are helping members keep in touch. (I can help you with this.)
• Take a class online. (I can recommend some.)
• Consider creating a daily prayer regime. You might add the Modeh Ani in the morning to get you off on the right foot.
• Get on email lists that send out interesting information frequently. Certainly your synagogue newsletter, but also My Jewish Learning, one of the major movements’ e-letters, whether Reform or other. Get this newspaper’s e-newsletter to be aware and a part of local Jewry, and perhaps the Times of Israel or New York Jewish Week to get an expanded look at Jewish life beyond the Bay Area.
• Find things you enjoy online — theater shows, reading groups, gardeners exchanging wisdom, etc. Put them on your calendar.
• Set up Zoom or Skype visits with a friend at least every other day.
I want you to open your calendar each day and see things you must do for yourself. Treat them as seriously as you would for someone you were caring for.
Finally, keep a notebook of your Jewish practices and learning. I want you to be aware of how much you are already being Jewish!

Sitting Shiva for George Floyd

6/16/2020

To say that things have been hard lately is horrendously understated. I wrote about the grief that Back people, Jewish and not Jewish, are experiencing on another website and just want to share the link to it here.

The post includes links to what Black Jews are writing about this nightmare. Additionally there are links to actions we can take.

May God comfort all of us in these terrible times.

April 15th, 2020

4/15/2020

Susan Simon, the Director of Education at Temple Beth Abraham in Oakland sent this information out about the last night of Passover. This night is one of the four special times a year that we observe Yizkor.

Shalom Friends,

It is customary to remember loved ones who have died at several different times on the Jewish calendar by lighting a yahrzeit candle. The one most people are familiar with is before Kol Nidre/Yom Kippur. If you have the specially made candles, you light them before sundown and they burn for more than 24 hours.

Some of you may not know that it is also the custom to do this whenever we have a holiday where we include a Yizkor or memorial service. The evening before 8th day Pesach is such a time.

We miss our loved ones who have died, and now more people in the world are suffering having recently lost loved ones to this plague. I will be lighting yahrzeit candles tonight to remember my loved ones but I will also have in mind the thousands of people who are currently grieving with horrific losses.

Please join me in lighting a candle tonight and safely letting it burn in your home as a reminder of some of the lights that have been extinguished, some recently and some long ago. If your candle is for a loved one, try offering a prayer of thanks that you had them in your life for a while and acknowledging what a hole has been left. There is no special prayer to be recited.

Just be sure to put that candle in a safe place!

The 15 Steps of the Seder explained

4/7/2020

There is a terrific organization in Los Angeles called IKAR. They have posted a series of short useful videos on YouTube that describe the 15 Steps of the Seder, include the blessing where appropriate and an explanation of each step.

Here is a link to the whole series.