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My Beit Din #4: I Arranged My Own Beit Din

4/30/2013

From Dawn: This is the only case I have heard of where the seeker assembled their own Beit Din. Your rabbi should do this, not you. If you have any questions about this, please contact us.

This conversation began here.

For my conversion, I had to find and arrange the rabbis for my own beit din. We all got comfortable with each other in advance; I knew each of them: one had been my Judaism 101 teacher, one had been my congregational rabbi for the previous 5 years, and one had led me specifically in my year-long study and approach to my conversion.... They had already asked me whatever questions they were concerned about, and I had already answered them. I had already asked them if they would approve of my conversion, and each had said yes. So, though I was still nervous for my beit din, I knew in my head that none of the three rabbis was possibly going to humiliate me on my big day.

The one question that was hard for me at my actual beit din was: what about giving up christmas. I shared, as I had planned to do, that we would continue the family tradition of visiting with grandma at christmastime and enjoying the festivities she would provide. Then they asked: what about when she passes away? Tear sprang to my eyes at that thought.... But I answered that in her honor, we might continue to remember the loving events we had shared by having a small tree in my home, and I emphasized that the holiday was one of family togetherness and acceptance, not a religious event.

Now some 10 years on, I realize that absolutely no one is looking over my shoulder to see whether I still "deserve" my Jewish identity, so I could totally put up a tree or any other thing I cared to do or felt I needed to do. but for now, we still spend christmas with grandma.

About "passing" your beit din, or possibly "flunking"... think of how humiliating that would be for the rabbi you have been working with who was guiding you toward your conversion; if the others don't approve of you or your preparation, it is a total slap at that rabbi's judgment...they're not likely to do that to their fellow rabbi, even if you don't feel confident that they wouldn't humiliate you that way.

Also, since you have the questions in advance, write yourself some notes in answer to them. You can read them at your beit din if you get flustered.

Best of luck, I imagine it will be just fine.

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My Beit Din #3: Be Authentic

4/30/2013

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Hello Future Tribe Mate,

My rabbi did not provide me with any questions from which to start my essay for the beit din. He left it open ended, and wanted it to come from us: what WE thought was important for them to know about us as future Jews and our Jewish journeys. In some ways I wish he had provided questions for us to answer because it would have been easier to start with something.

But, from nothing came 17 or so pages, double-spaced, of an essay that I presented to my beit din.

I think what would matter most to me were I a member of a beit din is that you were authentic to yourself. Some people are funny. If you are, inject some humor. Some people are verbose. If you are, feel free to take as long as you need to answer a question. If you are naturally concise, there is no reason that your essay shouldn't include brief answers that can be used as a jumping off point for the discussion with the beit din.

I think another thing that I would want to stress to people coming before "my court" would be that they shouldn't feel pressured to answer in specific ways: there (barring a few extreme cases like believing in Jesus as Christ or feeling coerced into doing this for your future spouse's sake) aren't right or wrong answers. If you don't know how to answer a question yet, be honest. Share your struggle; you are wherever you're at in your Jewish journey and that's okay.

But I think that the most important thing I'd want them to know is that this is NOT a final exam; nope, it's just the beginning. This is like getting your driver's license - now you get to go so many places and it's so exciting to see where you will take yourself.

If I had to guess about what information your rabbi was seeking with these questions, I'd say:

1 - What was your religious background prior to Judaism? How did you first learn about Judaism?

2 - What ideas about how to live life, what life's all about, and our purpose in life and society did you read about and have light bulb, "aha!" moments with? What rituals do you love, even if you yourself don't do them?

3 - If I were to follow you around for a week or month, how would I know you're Jewish? What Jewish things do you do, or what things do you do Jewishly on a regular basis? If I were to follow you around for the same period of time next year, five years from now, and ten years from now, what new things would you hope for me to see you doing?

4 - How do you feel telling your family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors that you're Jewish? How did/do you integrate yourself into your community? What Jewish people do you interact with and how? How do you feel about Israel, about France/UK/Argentina/FSU and other areas with lots of Jews?

5 - What subject do you want to learn more about? Where will you turn when you want to know more? What are formal and informal ways of learning?

Kol tuv!

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My Beit Din #2: Rely on the Gates of Prayer

4/30/2013

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The questions seem pretty user-friendly. (See questions here.) They are similar to ones I wrote about in my essay and we discussed in the beit din.

The Rabbis touched upon the themes of my essay during my beit din. Since I had already thought a lot about what I wrote, I found the beit din pretty relaxed. I had a Reform rabbi, a Conservative rabbi and a Conservative Cantor present. It took place at an Orthodox temple. I had reflected on the passage below (from the Gates of Prayer) in my essay and we chatted some about this during the beit din. It was very conversational. We sat in a circle and had a conversation. I did not feel "on stage" or being "quizzed" at all. I would say, put a lot of energy into your essay and the beit din will flow easily from that.

From The Gates of Prayer
I am a Jew because the faith of Israel demands of me no abdication of the mind.
I am a Jew because the faith of Israel requires of me all the devotion of my heart.
I am a Jew because in every place where suffering weeps, the Jew weeps.
I am a Jew because at every time when despair cries out, the Jew hopes.
I am a Jew because the word of Israel is the oldest and the newest.
I am a Jew because the promise of Israel is the universal promise.
I am a Jew because, for Israel, the world is not completed; we are completing it.
I am a Jew because, for Israel, humanity is not created; we are creating it.
I am a Jew because Israel places humanity and its unity above the nations and above Israel itself.
I am a Jew because, above humanity, image of the divine Unity, Israel places the unity which is divine.

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My Beit Din: Answer the Rabbi's Questions

4/30/2013

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My rabbi feels I am ready to go before the beit din. He gave me a list of questions to answer in an essay. I would love to hear from others what questions they were asked, what they wrote for their rabbis, and what the Beit Din was like. I am very nervous that I am not ready and will not "pass" the Beit Din.

Here are the questions:
1) Discuss the process that lead me to becoming Jewish.
2) What are the Jewish practices, values, and beliefs that I find most appealing?
3) describe my pattern of Jewish observance and how I hope to grow in observance.
4) Describe my sense of identification with the Jewish community and synagogue.
5) What are your plans for future Jewish study?

Here is this reader's answer:
I too worked myself into a tizzy over how I would "fail". What if they wouldn't let me in? What if everything I said was rubbish and they thought I wasn't good enough? What if, what if, what if.  That's because I misunderstood the point of the beit din. It's not a test, and even if you consider it one you'd be hard pressed to find enough "wrong" answers to fail. What they want to know is that you have a high level of sincerity and integrity. How that plays out is different for everyone, and they know that, so 10 different beit dins will elicit 10 different stories, but they'll all have high levels of sincerity and integrity. The fact that you have come this far and are fretting about it itself shows you are putting a lot of thought into it, and are thus sincere. They'll pick up on that.

How often you attend services and how well you know Hebrew and how you celebrate holidays, that's not what they want to know. They may ask you but only as a device to see what's behind it.  It's not like they're going to say "sorry, you failed because you didn't spend the required 200 hours in synagogue last year". There isn't a requirement like that, but there is a requirement that you you will attend as much as reasonably possible. Or perhaps you have a good reason to rarely attend, like if you are shy and prefer to study/pray/contemplate/etc. privately. They know that not everyone is a standout Barbra Streisand, but however your observances and study play out, are they honest?

They want to know that your decision to convert is sincere, that whatever your reason for doing so is true, and that once done you'll keep it up. If you say "well, I tried being a Catholic but I hate all that incense so I became a Hari Krishna but you know it's impossible to look good wearing an orange bedsheet so I thought I'd try being a Jew"...nah, that's not going to fly. You can be sure that rabbis hear from people like that, but much earlier in the process. You've "passed" at that level, and now your rabbi has essentially let you in by agreeing you should have the beit din.

I was torn by this issue: people said "if your rabbi thinks you're ready then so will the beit din rabbis", to which "I said, well, if it's that easy, why have the beit din at all? The fact that it exists means there's a chance of failure." I think with hindsight there isn't a chance of failure. They're not looking to keep you out, they're looking to invite you in. But it's a process, and even though you can't "fail," you do have to do it to prove that your motives are genuine.

I was struck by the warmth of my three beit din rabbis. It started off with one saying with a smile on her face, "so tell us, how is it that you are sitting here in front of us today?" which was a clear indication for me to answer item number 1 on your list. I had essentially the same list, even though mine was Reform in California. Remember that they will know you aren't "fully Jewish" in various observances and understandings, because you are a beginner. They don't expect you to have become "fully Jew-compliant" and then convert -- it's the other way around: you convert in order to become fully Jew-compliant, which is a life-long process.

Re: integrity, I think it's better to say "I don't know xyz and haven't done abc but I want to and I will and this is how I will," rather than recite the few things you have done. You aren't proving what's already happened, you are presenting how the future will be.

After all my worries of how I would fail, I now look back at my own beit din with great fondness and wish I could remember half of what I said! Good luck and please let us know how it turns out.

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Going to the San Francisco Mikvah

4/12/2013

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(From a female Reform convert)

Going to the San Francisco Mikvah on Sacramento Street was a very special part of my conversion experience. After studying for a few years with Rabbi Dan Feder (and having raised my young children in the Jewish tradition), I had no qualms about my readiness to convert, but frankly the mikvah experience did seem a little daunting! Being interviewed by the Bet Din and then to be naked in the mikvah and to have to remember how to say blessings in Hebrew (so all could hear) seemed, well…challenging!

Fortunately, it turned out that this was actually incredibly moving in a way that I had not totally anticipated! The procedure at our reform temple in Burlingame is to travel to the mikvah in San Francisco and meet the Bet Din – which for me was composed of our two Rabbis and the Cantor. I was incredibly appreciative of their effort and time in making the journey with me.

Betsy, the woman in charge of the mikvah, met my husband and I about 15 minutes before the Rabbis arrived and gave us a tour and some history behind the mikvah and its importance to the Jewish community. Betsy was very focused on the hallachic elements of the experience which was actually interesting to me, since this is not tremendously emphasized in our Reform practice. I was really grateful that my husband accompanied me for this. Although, he could not be a part of the Bet Din, he had a sense of the place and heard me say the blessings during the immersion.

After touring the facility, I met with the Rabbis and Cantor. The bet din, or final exam, turned out to be a wonderful conversation about what I had learned, what I found meaningful and challenging, which books I had enjoyed during my studies, and what holidays were meaningful to my family. It lasted 20-30 minutes. I felt a genuine curiosity about my journey and a sense of support.

I then showered and put on a robe and went to the mikvah and met Rabbi Bekah who (as a woman) was present with me in the mikvah room. I did three immersions. The idea was to be in a fetal position with the water of the mikvah being like the amniotic fluid. This is a rebirth. After each immersion, Rabbi Bekah would declare it “kasher”. After the first immersion, I said the blessing concerning immersion. After the second immersion, I said the sheheheyanu. After the third immersion, Rabbi Bekah and the Cantor and Rabbi Dan and my husband (who were all behind the door) sang, Siman Tov and Mazel Tov and welcomed me as a new Jew.

Fortunately, I was able to schedule the day off of work so I was able to enjoy some time with my husband and then do some preparation for the Shabbat Service in the evening. At this service, I received my Hebrew name and was asked to address the congregation about my religious journey and what compelled me to choose to live life as a Jew and be an active participant in the community. Although initially this too seemed to be a daunting task, I found spending some time putting my thoughts together and reflecting on my studies and Jewish experiences helped my preparation and focus. I am appreciative of Anita Diamant’s advice in her book, Choosing a Jewish Life, “Remember that the more intention—in Hebrew, kavannah—you bring to your mikvah, the more memorable and meaningful it will be (p. 127).”

It has now been a couple months since I had this experience. When people ask what this has meant to me, I can honestly say that it was more meaningful than I had anticipated. Instead of feeling somewhat like a visitor at the Temple and in my kids’ classrooms, I now feel like an active member and participant. Instead of feeling like an observer and studier of the community, I now feel engaged in a way that carries even more responsibility to help shape my children’s Jewish experiences and to find the opportunity to make a contribution to the larger Jewish community.

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Deciding to Convert after Years in an Interfaith Marriage

4/9/2013

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As my children were attending the Peninsula Temple Sholom preschool, I became very curious about Judaism and how to build a Jewish life for my family. My husband clearly identifies as a Jew, but had not been raised in a strong religious tradition. I had been raised as an Episcopalian. Through the preschool and adult education courses, we started to feel a part of the community, and believed that making a commitment to raise our children in the Jewish tradition would enrich all of our lives.

I approached Rabbi Dan Feder about studying with him. He was very warm and welcoming. We had numerous (almost monthly) meetings over the course of a couple years. (Generally the process takes about a year, but I had extended it.) Rabbi Dan would suggest that I read one or two books a month and do a brief write-up, which helped to focus my thoughts. He carefully and thoughtfully addressed all of my questions. I was also able to take a few adult education courses with Rabbi Dan. He teaches with humor and an engaging style. As a prior religion major, I particularly loved the readings and delving into discussions with Rabbi Dan. His guidance has helped to shape my Jewish identity and frame the questions that I have as I continue this journey.

A fundamental part of my family’s Jewish experience has involved creating roots in the Jewish community. Both Rabbi Dan and Rabbi Rebekah Stern have been helpful in our quest to create community at Peninsula Temple Sholom. We have developed sustaining friendships and community through the activities at the preschool, events at the religious school, and through classes and services. I am very grateful to Rabbi Dan for his patience and guidance during the past few years of my studies.

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My Beit Din #4: I Arranged My Own Beit Din

My Beit Din #3: Be Authentic

My Beit Din #2: Rely on the Gates of Prayer

My Beit Din: Answer the Rabbi's Questions

Going to the San Francisco Mikvah

Deciding to Convert after Years in an Interfaith Marriage

Thoughts from our Email List

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