Category: Connecting - BECOMING JEWISH

Don't Be Left Dripping at the Mikvah!

6/12/2026

There is a term for the experience of the newly converted individual who feels suddenly alone as a Jew. It is “left dripping at the mikvah.” Suddenly the regular meetings with your rabbi end. You are still, forgive the pun, wet behind the ears, but are launched into responsibility for your own Jewish life, practice and participation. I have received emails from converts who felt sad, but uncomfortable asking for “more.” I’ve received emails from Jews by choice that are several years into being Jewish who still don’t feel integrated.

Today I read about this class being offered in Palo Alto at Etz Chayim,
Either Ḥavruta or Loneliness: Intimacy, Vulnerability, and Inclusion in the Beit Midrash
(In-person only)

A thrill of joy ran through me! YES! What an excellent way to draw deeper into your Jewish community. Study together, just as you have been studying all along. Talk about topics of intense meaning, of life choices, relationships, and responsibilities. What better way to get to know others deeply. You’ll make friends who share your interests. They will draw you in. If you don’t have a place to go for Passover, you can tell them. They will find a seat for you. Don’t want to go to services and sit alone; tell them, someone will sit with you.

This teacher is a one session speaker. But I spoke to Amy Bayersdorfer, the Executive Director at Etz Chayim and she said anyone may contact her to explore ways to engage in Adult Education, or other ways to participate at the shul. Amy is very nice and delighted to help anyone get a stronghold in community!
Amy’s contact information is: 650-813-9094 x206 or [email protected]

A Sense of Belonging

5/21/2026

Shavuot, is a good time to talk about "belonging." The scroll read for Shavuot is the Book of Ruth. Ruth is often referred to as the first convert. In this interesting article about Ruth, Rabbi Richard Hirsch also addresses BELONGING. He describes it as being first about belonging to the Jewish people and second to believing in the Jewish view of God.

I shared this story in the URJ email news about a woman living in San Rafael with the email list. I said, this essay doesn't talk about her deciding to become Jewish, it talks about her sense of belonging before becoming Jewish. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Did you cross over a threshold from feeling like an outsider to 'belonging'? Was it related to your conversion process? Or simply your integration into your community?

Here are some replies -

Eve:
From about 8 on, thru grade school, and then into college, I had Jewish friends and in Oakland 'grandparents' -- neighbors across the street whose grandchildren lived in NY, so I became the adopted granddaughter. They weren't religious, but he read the Forward in Yiddish. Grade school bestie invited me for weekend sleepovers which always included observant Shabbat dinner. In college, I read Chaim Potok and then other pop lit like Marjorie Morningstar and others too obscure to remember, I figured out that I could study and then convert. My folks didn't have us 3 baptized, so there was nothing to renounce. They had no issues with my decision, but my dad advised me to remove my Israel solidarity bumper sticker, lest I get torched or vandalized.

Josef:
I intellectually wanted to be Jewish for a long time. I grew up in a Jewish community and felt as if I belonged.
Medical problems and other distractions precluded my conversion. I wanted to take in Shabbat Services and I found a Reform Temple. I took their Introduction to Judaism course and I wound up converting.
I'm proud and ecstatic about being Jewish!

Adir:
In my case it was when I started to share inside jokes and we all understood the references without having to explain them and without them even thinking they had to explain them to me because I was already one of the guys.

What if your name isn't "Jewish"?

1/18/2023

(Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash)

I’m not interested in fussing at Jews for being baffled by “Christian” names like Christopher and Mary or, Muslim names like Ali and Fatima and all the other names that are associated with non-Jewish culture. I do want to deal with the self consciousness that some converts feel about their given name.

I’ve been told about the embarrassment of being called out for being a Khristin or a McDonald. First or last names can be questioned in a Jewish environment.

First, why is this so common? Jews have been restricted by non-Jewish societies from mixing with the larger population for thousands of years. Jewish communities were constantly in danger of being assaulted. Living with that kind of fear has led to Jews developing alertness to potential danger from ‘the other’. Thus any indicator – including a name – could warn Jews to be on the defensive. At times this led to Jews from different communities to even suspect each other.

When someone named John Christianson sits in a synagogue, Jews around him may wonder whether he could be checking them out for an attack. As recently as January 15, 2022 a strange man entered the synagogue at Colleyville, TX and held congregants hostage. My point here is, cut congregants some slack; they are coming from a place of anxiety. Unfortunately things are not getting any better so building fear is going to fuel the suspicions. Note this article about the current state of antisemitism in the USA.

It isn’t just converts to Judaism that are questioned. My friend, Dan McClosky discussed his last name and its role in his life at his adult bar mitzvah. If you are on Facebook you can hear his comments here,
Jump to 1:35 for Dan’s speech.

My point? Don’t think you are alone. This is a COMMON unpleasant occurrence in Jewish life.

A couple Jewish Chrises
I recently read an article by a Jew by choice discussing his name, Chris, here.

Not being much of an ESPN watcher I didn’t know who Chris Berman was until he was inducted into the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame.

What can you do about having a non-Jewish name?
Let’s face it, you can change it! If you’d prefer to use your Hebrew name, a name you got to pick for yourself, you can. I’ve even accompanied a friend to his court hearing where he legally changed his name.
I have another friend whose name was Egyptian. He chose to simply switch to going by his Hebrew name. He certainly “looked” Semitic, since he is, and decided to blend in.

However, you may love your given name. It may have been chosen by someone you love. Or you may be named after a relative to whom you are close. In this case you need to decide how you want to respond to that probing question, “How can you be Jewish with that name?”

I suggest you decide beforehand how you want to handle these inappropriate questions. Don’t be caught by surprise.

You can be quite direct, “Wow, you don’t even know me and you’re working to offend me!”
You can turn the tables, “Where did you get YOUR name?”
You can sidestep, “What makes you ask that? Are you concerned about my identity?”
You can just roll your eyes and walk away.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

On the other hand, some people do love to tell their conversion story. They want to enlighten the asker and broaden the person’s understanding of who is a Jew. If you are one of these people, enjoy! But please add that not everyone is as happy to answer as you are and that politeness requires that the questioner refrain from asking this of others.

Now, tell me where YOU stand?
Do you like to tell your story?
Do you feel affronted by these types of questions?
How have you handled different sorts of questioners?

New Lehrhaus!

9/14/2021

Over the last two decades I have referred many of you to classes - basic Judaism, Hebrew, history and literature - offered by Lehrhaus Judaica. Suddenly in June 2021 it was announced that Lehrhaus would close. The community was devastated, as was I. But almost immediately a group formed to revitalize this worthy institution.

I am thrilled to tell you that NEW LEHRHAUS has been created and classes will resume in October 2021. The website of New Lehrhaus is still under construction but you can see a list of classes. If you have any confusion, just email me, Dawn, at [email protected].

Full disclosure, I am on the board of the New Lehrhaus and honored to be asked to help move Jewish education forward in the Bay Area. Our classes will be primarily online for the foreseeable future due to Covid, but we look forward to being in-person as soon as possible. So get vaccinated so I can see you in class!
Dawn Kepler

Building Your Connection to Judaism and Jewish Community

10/31/2018

One of the difficulties that a Jew by choice may face AFTER conversion is not feeling truly connected to Judaism. Working with your rabbi, meeting regularly, having meaningful conversations, ends eventually. If you convert as a single person without any Jewish family you may feel bereft.

After the 2018 High Holy Days I was thrilled to receive an email from a single Jew by Choice, Miri, who shared this with me:

I really enjoyed singing in the choir this year for the High Holy Days and am still riding on the high of that. And Yom Kippur has become my FAVORITE Jewish Holiday. I love the self searching introspection and deep personal connections that I've come to experience on YK each year. While it's great that this holiday is a big-deal-once-a-year thing, I would like to have the same depth of experience on the other holidays.

To that end - the connection part - I've volunteered to chant Torah at the upcoming Nishma service. This will be the first time that I've chanted since my B'nai Mitzvah so I'm really looking forward to doing it.

My getting involved with my temple is a direct result of your guidance and coaching. Having grown up in Christianity where you are "saved" by someone else, I hadn't fully come to the realization that I and I alone am responsible for my connection with others. I had somehow expected people to do it for me, but that's not how we do it in Judaism. We need to reach out and when we do, we find support. This was the BEST piece of advice anyone ever gave me along my conversion path.

While I applaud this woman's spirit I believe that those of us who are already connected to a synagogue community need to make the effort to bring in the new people who appear in our midst. Don't hesitate to say hello to a new face at the oneg.

Jewish by choice and Single

3/26/2018

When you convert to Judaism with a Jewish partner you have an automatic "in". You have someone knows something about Judaism. You may get a regular invitation to Jewish holidays. But when you are single you have to work harder to create your "Jewish family" unit.

You may have other differences that make you feel out of step with your congregation. Perhaps you are older (over 50), are gay or lesbian, don't have children. Maybe you don't have the money for Jewish events. Bottom line, you need a circle of friends that function like family; a place where everybody knows your name and expects you to show up.

One person expressed it this way, "I was wondering if you knew of any resources or articles or books about being single and observing Judaism? I’ve been really struggling lately. Being gay is also part of that. My shul isn’t homophobic at all, but programming is for sure for straight people. Anyway, any thoughts about single Jewish observance and life would be appreciated."

This is a reoccurring issue for single Jews by choice, so we asked everyone on the email list: If you are single, can you share some of your solutions & ideas? If you are not single, do you have a suggestion that might help?

(1) I’m single and understand the challenge of ‘feeling Jewish’ without a Jewish partner.
Ways that I continue to express my Jewish identity are by attending services, celebrating the holidays, watching YouTube videos, reading Torah and staying up to date on the Parsha readings, and having Judaica around the home. I don’t “keep kosher," but I do try to buy kosher meat as much as possible. It’s important to set goals (e.g. learn Hebrew, keep mitzvot, donate to a charity, etc.) too.

I understand how lonely it can be without a Jewish partner as I went from being in a relationship with a Jewish person to being single. It’s really not the same without that social element.

The only advice I have for this for people who have converted, like myself, is to concentrate on what in particular makes that individual feel Jewish on a personal level. Then one’s Jewish identity will shine even more.
Hannah

(2) Thank you for recognizing that being Single is a challenge regarding connecting to Judaism. Especially important is around the holidays, such as the upcoming Passover.

Here's what I've done to increase my connection:
1. Participated on a committee
2. Helped with planning the update of the temple website
3. Went through a B'nai Mitzvah (by far the most connection was felt here, learned Hebrew and to chant Torah and haftarah)
4. Joining the temple choir
5. Volunteering at the temple or for special events in any small way that I could.

Overall, I've found it helpful to get involved with ongoing activities. And if the activity involves getting through struggles together (like learning Hebrew or chanting Torah and haftarah) the better for deepening the connection. After all, when becoming Jewish, it's not just converting to a belief system, but its about becoming part of a people. So becoming integrated with the people is key.
Miri

More replies will be coming so stay tuned!

Will I Ever Fit In?

1/10/2017

One of the questions that comes up frequently is, “Will I ever really fit in and feel totally Jewish?” This is a two way question. First, will the Jew by choice come to a point of feeling competent and comfortable with being Jewish? Will they “forget” not being Jewish and just BE?

Second, will the community accept converts as Jews?

To the first question the answer is a resounding YES. If you simply live a Jewish life, doing Jewish on a daily basis it will become who you are. There’s a good chance that it will take a few years. But it takes years to absorb a new language, get to know a new friend, learn a new skill. So don’t be discouraged, enjoy the process.

The second question is more difficult. Some born Jews will never accept the idea that a person can convert/become Jewish. For those who have less of a Jewish education and Jewish life, being a born Jew may be all the claim they have to being Jewish. They may not want others to “get to be Jewish” because it feels threatening to their own identity. Other Jews have much knowledge of rabbinic teaching and don’t accept that Judaism had accepted conversion since its inception.

Therefore, it may be hard in some Jewish environments to be affirmed as a Jew when you are a convert. If you find this to be the case – you are in the wrong place. That is not the synagogue or organization for you. Your sponsoring rabbi should be able to put you in touch with a community that is welcoming of converts.

In a class I attended an Orthodox rabbi was asked, “Are there any converts who are members of your synagogue?” He replied, “Yes! Any synagogue that does not have converts is not a real one because it would not include our ancestors Abraham and Sarah who were converts to Judaism.”

A great Outing - the Contemporary Jewish Museum

6/8/2015

Learning about Judaism is a joy and one of the great ways to learn AND have a wonderful experience is to go to a museum. We are pretty lucky here in the San Francisco bay area; we have one of the premier Jewish museums, The Contemporary Jewish Museum. Located at 736 Mission Street (between 3rd and 4th Streets), San Francisco, it is easily accessed via BART and makes for a wonderful mix of Jewish past, present and future.

I'll just mention two of exhibits they have had.
Arthur Szyk and the Art of the Haggadah --

And another was Beat Memories: The Photographs of Allen Ginsberg.

Their range is terrific. Go, spend a few hours. Leave time to have lunch at their cafe.

Deciding to Convert after Years in an Interfaith Marriage

1/6/2015

As my children were attending the Peninsula Temple Sholom preschool, I became very curious about Judaism and how to build a Jewish life for my family. My husband clearly identifies as a Jew, but had not been raised in a strong religious tradition. I had been raised as an Episcopalian. Through the preschool and adult education courses, we started to feel a part of the community, and believed that making a commitment to raise our children in the Jewish tradition would enrich all of our lives.

I approached Rabbi Dan Feder about studying with him. He was very warm and welcoming. We had numerous (almost monthly) meetings over the course of a couple years. (Generally the process takes about a year, but I had extended it.) Rabbi Dan would suggest that I read one or two books a month and do a brief write-up, which helped to focus my thoughts. He carefully and thoughtfully addressed all of my questions. I was also able to take a few adult education courses with Rabbi Dan. He teaches with humor and an engaging style. As a prior religion major, I particularly loved the readings and delving into discussions with Rabbi Dan. His guidance has helped to shape my Jewish identity and frame the questions that I have as I continue this journey.

A fundamental part of my family’s Jewish experience has involved creating roots in the Jewish community. Both Rabbi Dan and Rabbi Rebekah Stern have been helpful in our quest to create community at Peninsula Temple Sholom. We have developed sustaining friendships and community through the activities at the preschool, events at the religious school, and through classes and services. I am very grateful to Rabbi Dan for his patience and guidance during the past few years of my studies.

How to increase your connection after you complete your conversion

1/13/2014

A single man asked me this recently:
Do you have any ideas from your work with people converting what kinds of classes and activities I can do to deepen my knowledge and understanding and spiritual connection to Judaism? Weirdly, I feel that since my mikvah and beit din, I’m left free floating. I really want to keep going in my learning and living a Jewish life, but not sure what direction to take. I am taking the Talmud Circle, which is fantastic (THANK YOU for that, by the way), but once a month is not quite enough.

Our readers gave us these answers to the question, How did YOU connect spiritually & educationally after your conversion?

Choir. It helped me learn the prayers and made High Holidays far more significant to me as I was part of the services. It also gave me an opportunity to meet more members of the congregation.

A spiritual trip to Israel with a temple will make him feel as if he is immersed in a Mikvah every day.

I need to improve my practice, and so I attend a meditation group held at a private home.

I also know about an interesting Torah study class for women.

I am planning to take two classes at Lehrhaus Judaica.

I asked my rabbi to suggest a committee to join. Study was good, too, but service was the best. I was on the Caring Committee for several years, met many people that way, and learned many practical lessons about Jewish living.

Early on we made it a point to always go to Friday night services and sit in the same spot every week. That helped us be recognized by others a little more easily.

Dawn's suggestions:

Have you checked out the classes your synagogue offers. Do they have something that interests you? What about Torah study?

You may want to deepen your home practice. A nice way to do that is to develop a chavura and have Shabbat and holidays together. A friend of mine has decided she is going to have a Shabbat afternoon every other week at her home - invite people over, nosh, chat, discuss the Torah portion and end with Havadalah.

Attend services regularly.

I strongly urge you to find a place where you can study with a really good teacher and thoughtful fellow students. Check out Lehrhaus, other synagogues near you, the JCCs.

Additionally you could look for friends who, like you, are interested in deepening their practice and spirituality. You may just need some more time to get to know people and expand your circle of like-minded Jews.