Category: Christmas

My rabbi doesn’t understand what Christmas means to me

12/24/2020

(This article originally appeared in my column Mixed and Matched in the J-weekly)

Dear Dawn: I am single and have no Jewish relations. But I have taken years to determine that I want to be Jewish. I am working on converting. I have one problem. My rabbi tells me that I have to give up Christmas. I have never practiced another religion, including Christianity, but I have always had Christmas with my extended family when I lived in the same state. When I moved away, I continued to decorate my house, including a tree. I love the smell of an evergreen tree. I love the lights and the special feelings of a holiday that it feels like the entire world is celebrating. I honestly don’t think my rabbi can understand how I feel because it is a lifelong practice for me and he has never done it. Do you have any suggestions? I’m at a standstill. I refuse to lie to him and currently I just can’t say I’ll give up having a tree. — Stuck

Dear Stuck: I think you are right that your rabbi can’t personally understand how you feel about Christmas. In America there is no Jewish holiday that the entire country celebrates. It might be helpful to have a frank discussion with him and articulate how this change feels for you — in detail. Being heard out is very powerful. I hope he will not waste time telling you why you need to give up Christmas and will simply affirm your feelings of loss.
If you were having an Orthodox conversion, the process would take a few years and you would be able to experiment with reducing Christmas traditions while at the same time increasing the role Judaism plays in your life. Since you are converting in one of the less stringent streams of Judaism, the process will typically take about one year. That means a student can potentially go from a year in which they have Christmas with all the trimmings to a year in which there is no Christmas at all. That kind of change is dramatic and can be quite hard. I think you need time to build up your Jewish practice, as well as your Jewish emotional and communal bonds. Right now you are thinking about going from “plenty” to nothing.
There is no rule that you must convert in a single year. Consider talking to your rabbi about taking your time to transition into being Jewish. Spend an additional year having Shabbat every week and attending shul for holidays, classes and social activities. Build your circle of Jewish friends. Begin imbuing each Jewish holiday with meaning and memories. Be sure to spend them with friends and with family, if that is possible. Make a point of starting a food tradition around your practice. Books like Joan Nathan’s “Jewish Holiday Cookbook” can help you get started.
If you intend to give up Christmas eventually, you could try talking to your rabbi about making it a gradual process after your conversion.
I am struck by how hurried some students are about becoming Jewish. They act like it is a race and the first one there wins. That simply is not true. Becoming Jewish takes time, and growing as a Jew takes a lifetime. The trip to the mikvah is just one stop on the journey of a Jewish life. Don’t let anyone pressure you to move faster. If you need to, you can take several years to make the transition.
You are not alone in this challenge. Many people who want to convert or are converting really balk at the idea of giving up the tree. This symbol is so loaded. For those who have celebrated all their lives, it is often deeply emotional. There are family memories that are wrapped up in the smells, sights, sounds and ambiance of this time of year. Not observing the holiday means that you may feel lonely and left out at times as the world around you embraces Christmas from September through December. That’s a pretty long time.
Being different is part of being Jewish. Finding community and meaning in that difference is central to living as a Jew.
Finally, many Jews by birth and Jews by choice do celebrate Christmas. You could find another rabbi for whom giving up Christmas is not a requirement. You must decide how you want to live as a Jew. If you decide to be a Jew with a tree, please don’t justify it as “not religious or important.” Be honest and say it is important, and be frank about your reasons.

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Is the Christmas Tree an issue?

10/27/2020

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I have another question from our curious young woman.
She asked about how Jews by Choice feel about the Christmas tree. Here are her 3 questions.

What do converts know of the origins of the Christmas tree?
Given that it is pagan, would you have one in your home – especially if your kids wanted one? Why or why not.
Do you view a Christmas tree as Christian?

Replies:

There is not a conflict for me as I currently live alone and do not have to consider children.
Yes, of course I view a Christmas tree as Christian! The name is clear, no? Christ-mas tree!
My son and grandsons do celebrate Christmas, largely as a secular holiday, and have a Christmas tree. I enjoy buying them Christmas presents and dining with them that day, but it is clear that I do not celebrate the holiday and my son refers to my gifts as Hanukkah gifts.
Hannah 

***

Here are a few thoughts about my understanding of Christmas trees:
They originally were put up to celebrate winter solstice, or Yule, or Yuletide, and the days growing longer again after the solstice occurred (a pagan celebration).

The Catholic church co-opted these celebrations into Christmas and turned the Yule tree into a Christmas tree, so now it’s basically a Christian-related tree vs. Yule or pagan.

Many people see Christmas trees and other Christmas items as “folk” or family traditions instead of religious traditions. I have siblings who are in that camp.

I also have Jewish friends who celebrate the holiday season with a Christmas or Yule tree. One Jewish friend hangs a stocking on her fireplace mantle next to her tree, but the stocking has “Happy Hannukah” on it, which I think is kind of funny. I don’t take many of these cross-over things very seriously. To me, almost everything is a form mythology (e.g., Santa Claus, the oil burning 8 nights), and it’s just a matter of which mythology you choose or prefer.

My born Jewish wife and I don’t mind “helping” non-Jews celebrate Christmas (such as my siblings) but we don’t celebrate it ourselves and don’t have a tree or other Christmas items -- Chanuka only. Some Jews participate in Christmas activities, as if they didn’t want to “miss out” on the fun, or they see it as a form of “multiculturalism” or “diversity”, but to me Christmas commercialism is so overwhelming, I can’t see it as something that needs further promotion.

But again, I don’t take these things as seriously as my wife does. It is interesting to me that some Jews refuse to get stressed about anything pertaining to Christmas while other Jews become seriously depressed about it, as if their “seasonal affected depression” is triggered or made even worse by the Christmas season. My wife tends to fall into that category, especially when it comes to our adult daughter’s husband and in-laws celebrating Christmas, but I try not to go down that path and try to take more of a “live and let live” approach. Again, it’s all mythology of one form or another, and when kids grow up, they will see it all for what it is. I realize that some people have much stronger sentimental attachments to things they did growing up than I do. I tend to be more skeptical and detached. Personalities are all over the map, so it’s easy to make generalizations that are not accurate.
David

***
I see it as a seasonal symbol, not Jewish but also not specifically Christian. I have no kids but my partner loves to have a tree as a symbol of New Year with no specific religious meaning (c’mon, it’s not a créche!!) so I have no problem with it so far.
Adir

***

I love this question. Here is my far-too-long response!

1. Recognize that for many Jews by choice, the CTI (Christmas Tree Issue) can be as long-lived as a redwood tree and if you are concerned about it now be warned that you might be concerned about it for years to come! However by the time you finish reading this, maybe not.

2. The Christmas tree being pagan in origin is a point relevant only in a conversation about the pagan origins of things with the few people who can get their mind around what pagan even means. It's not relevant for Jews who converted from a Christian tradition because of just that, they converted from a Christian tradition, not from a pagan tradition.

3. The pagan origins of the Christmas tree is also not relevant for two sets of non-Jews: Christians, who consider it a part of their Christian holiday; and agnostics and atheists who celebrate Christmas as a delightful holiday but who turn a blind eye to the Christian themes. That last point is easy to do because in fact the Christian themes are secondary to the agnostic-themes such as Santa, santa hats, red and white candy-canes, anything else red and white, reindeer, red noses, antlers, gaily-colored wrapped gifts, red ribbons, anything and everything red and green, holly, snowflakes, robins in the snow, sleighs riding through the snow, snowmen sitting in snow, anything else in the snow, etc etc, and not forgetting mistletoe and yule logs (bringing up the pagan rear guard again). The fact that Christmas is "supposed" to be anything about Christianity is lost in a blizzard of Christmas-imagery, which are essentially "winter celebration things".

4. Missing from that list above is: the Christmas tree. It's such a central point to the Christmas-imagery list that it deserves to be in a list of one all by itself. A Christmas tree means only one thing, Christmas; its very name says it all. It doesn't have a darned thing to do with Christianity, but as per above list it has everything to do with Christmas.

5. For Jewish converts struggling with the CTI, that can be a lot of heavy baggage to drag out of the way on the journey to living-Jewish, a point which is important to Jews by Choice who are sensitive to imagery which either "proves" their Jewishness (like having a menorah in the window) or "proves" their previous non-Jewish background (like having a Christmas tree in the window).

6. Neither of those things actually prove anything but such imagery is a touchstone which sends out a signal to the Jew by Choice and to everyone else regarding "what that person really is".

7. Having a Christmas tree, if you are a Jew by Choice, sends a mixed signal. "Who am I?" says that signal. For yourself, if you converted, then you are a Jew, and having a tree in the living room for 2 weeks of the year will not undo your conversion. For everyone else looking through the window, it's none of their damned business but if you are troubled by that put the tree away from the window.

8. The Jew by Choice struggling with the CTI may be tempted to claim "it's OK for me to have a Christmas tree because it's pagan in origin", but that would be dishonest (even if it's a factually true statement) since it's not very likely they ever gave paganism a second thought when they had a Christmas tree back in their pre-Jewish days, and it certainly won't convince anyone else looking in as they won't know anything about pagan origins unless they were in that rarified conversation in paragraph 2 above.

9. But having a Christmas tree because your kids want one is a very good reason to have one. Who says one set of people can't join in the cultural fun of another set of people? If you lived in a society that keeps to its own, such as Hasidic Jews do, then this and other dilemmas of assimilation don't arise but the fact you are even asking about the CTI suggests you aren't anywhere close to such a society. The value to the kids in having one may be greater than the value to yourself in not having one.

10. So buy the tree and enjoy it and assuage any guilt by blaming the kids. Then when they grow up stop having one, if the CTI still bothers you. By then you may have dropped it anyway, or you will have come to realize that having one doesn't actually matter unless you make it matter. Either way, at that point the CTI will no longer be an issue.
Eliezer

Note: It is a very Western culture viewpoint to see individual expression as of primary importance. Judaism is not an individualistic culture; it is communal. What impacts one Jew, impacts all Jews. We should be thoughtful in what we dismiss as simply for our own happiness.

***

About Christmas trees -- I don't have one, but I also don't view it as Christian because Christmas is so commercialized nowadays anyway together with all the expected shopping, trees, etc. It is like red roses for Valentine's Day...

I don't have kids, but if I did, I would take this as an opportunities to explain what it is, what it symbolized, etc. with a view of understanding "foreign cultures." In fact, my father is a daoist. That was how he explained the Christmas tree and other different religions to me when I was growing up. It's more of cultural arts/humanities & social studies in our home back in the days.
Binah

What do you know of the origins of the Christmas tree?
Originally German. Came to England through German rulers. There were early German influences (late 1700’s- early 1800’s) in the US & Canada. The popularity of Christmas trees in Victorian England (1840’+) really cemented the popularity of Christmas trees in America.

Given that it is pagan, would you have one in your home
Pagan origin has nothing to do with it. Do you think that Jews were the first people to blow rams horns or play harps?
We haven’t had one in our home for more than 20 years. Even before that we didn’t place much importance on it. We did go to friends Christmas parties and our daughter went to homes for friends and relatives who had Christmas trees.

Do you view a Christmas tree as Christian?
They are both a Christian thing and, in our era a more cultural item.
Don’t forget that, historically, some American Jews did have Christmas trees. Southern Jews often had them. Alfred Uhry wrote three plays about Southern Jews in his Atlanta Trilogy. In the first two, about assimilated Jews, Driving Miss Daisy and Last Night at Ballyhoo, there are Christmas trees at the parties in the protagonists houses – without stars or creches.
Most of the intermarried families that I know have trees and Christmas parties.
Mikhael

Note: Mikhael is right, most interfaith families have a Christmas tree. This speaks to the intense power and attachment that the tree represents, to Americans (not necessarily Christian) who have had one all their life. We can dismiss this, but we would be foolish to do so. Anything with such a strong emotional impact on humans matters.

***

Christmas trees are of pagan origin. Pagan pretty much means Avodah Zara. Avodah Zara is explicitly forbidden. So no Christmas trees in Jewish homes if you care about biblical commandments.
Shifra

Note: I am glad Shifra raises this important point as it is often forgotten. The Torah does not say a single word about Christianity because Christianity didn't exist in biblical times. It has a great deal to say about paganism; in fact it rails against paganism. In today's world few Jews feel threatened by pagan practice, however is it biblically forbidden. Whether you personally accept this it is important to understand that historical and traditional Judaism do! Therefore, know what the teachings say and be prepared to discuss this topic knowledgably.

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Another comment on Christmas

12/23/2019

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I've received several emails about the challenge of Christmas, family expectations, and worries that the Jewish community will disapprove of something we do at Christmas time.

One reply - from Ruth Aliza - deserves sharing because it speaks to all of these.

I just wanted to thank you for sending this timely and thoughtful note about Christmas and Jews-by-choice. This year I'm spending Christmas morning with my parents and siblings (who live locally), and then spending the afternoon/evening celebrating Chanukah with friends. I've never missed Christmas dinner before, and it was hard to tell my mother that I was going to eat Chinese takeout and watch a movie! But it felt like the right thing for me this year---I wanted to both spend Christmas with my family, and do something that felt Jewish on that day.

Tangentially related: This week, I stopped by my neighborhood Walgreens to pick up some stocking stuffers for my family. As luck would have it, I ran into two different families from my synagogue while I was standing ("Rudolph" red-handed?) in the Christmas tchotchkes aisle. At first I was mortified, but then I realized: (A) Most people don't care what I've got in my shopping basket, and (B) It's ok! I no longer celebrate Christmas as a personal holiday, but my family does, and that comes with some practicalities....like buying stocking stuffers.

My P.S. to all of you is that born Jews also like things like eggnog, peppermint, gingerbread, bright lights in the dark of winter, and more. Be kind to yourself.

Just for fun, here's a delicious latke recipe for those of us who are not terribly fond of fried potatoes.

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What Will You Do About Christmas This Year?

12/16/2019

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There are so many potential issues for a Jew-by-choice. Here are some that have been raised before:

*My family expects me to join them; how can I say no. I love them.
*I really love Christmas still. It isn’t religious for me, never was, just very festive.
*NOT having Christmas feels like such a momentous lifestyle change that I can’t wrap my head around it.
*I feel guilty having a Christmas tree.
*I feel guilty for wanting a Christmas tree.
*I’m afraid my rabbi/Jewish friends will find out I have a tree.
*I feel defensive and angry when people say this can’t be a secular holiday.
*I’m afraid my kids will love Christmas and hate me for depriving them of it.

And the list goes on.

Are you having yucky feelings about Christmas? STOP. You are not a bad person, you do love your family, you can have a tree, you can NOT have a tree, you aren’t depriving your children, no one gets to beat you up – not even you.

Christmas is just plain LOADED. How else would it sell everything from razors to dolls? Don’t feel bad that you have been influenced by our society’s huge investment in Christmas, financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically. You did not bring this on yourself. You live in America; it happens.

What to do? Stop letting negative feelings control you. Remember that you have a right to be a Jew who observes Christmas. Don’t be defensive or make up tales about why it’s OK. Embrace your truth. Be ready to say, “Hey, this holiday is the definition of family for me. I need it.” Or whatever is true for you. If people don’t like it you can smile and move on. Or you can ask them, “Do you have a solution? Let’s hear it.” Can they ‘fix’ your feelings? No, but I want you to. I don’t want you feeling bad.

Make a plan. Decide you are going to do which ever is most comfortable in your life this year. Then starting in January you have a year to plan to try something different. You could decide you’ll go to Hawaii next December, or to Tahoe or somewhere else. You could look around for friends with whom to spend the holiday. You could plan for a big Hanukkah year, go all out on decorations, parties and food. You could try going without the tree, or just the lights. You could make a decision that for ONE December in 2020 you’re going to test out doing what you think you “ought” to do. JUST FOR ONE YEAR. Then you are going to re-evaluate. I know a convert who decided, no Christmas for one December. The next year, yes, Christmas. Then after some reflection, my friend decided to stop having Christmas. At the same time I know people who have figured out how to make Christmas work in their home. Life is constantly changing. You get to experiment. Just be honest with your kids so they know what you’re doing.

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Christmas with Christian Family

12/24/2010

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My daughter (a toddler) and I are "home"—on the east coast with my family right now. My family celebrates Christmas, and here we are staying at my brother's house-- full on Christmas. You name it- the tree, the nativity scene, the stockings, the cookies, all the holiday cheer. I wish that this part of the family (my family) celebrated Hanukkah, but they don't. And that's o.k. In MY home, we celebrate Hanukkah-- and we do it up big. And it's fun! My daughter is a little surprised by all the Christmas going on here, and she is definitely interested in it. And that's o.k. with me, because we are in their home. In our home we do it differently. And that's good too!
I figure that if we don't join in the big celebrations of my family, how can we expect them to join us in celebrating her Bat Mitzvah years from now? We know we are Jewish and have other wonderful holidays to celebrate (a sukkah at sukkot, lights and dreidel at Hanukkah, getting together with friends at Passover, etc. not to mention Shabbat every week!). My child loves our family celebrations in our Jewish home. She isn't going to love them any less because she sees how other people celebrate different holidays.
It's all good!
MC, Reform, Female

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Christmas as a Jew

12/24/2010

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When it comes to Christmas, I find it a relief not to have to deal with the tree, the ornaments, all the decorating, anticipation about gifts, etc. Candles are a hassle-free alternative to the literal mess that accompanies the holiday. I'm reminded of these things when I visit my family members during the holidays - all this hassle, all this build-up and then, BAM, it's over. The only thing about the holidays that I miss are the traditional foods that I grew up with, but it's really not difficult at all to incorporate that into my Chanuka celebration. I spend Christmas with my family and exchange gifts, but I truly feel that this is THEIR celebration and not mine. I'm not pro-Christmas, but I'm not anti-Christmas either - just like I'm not pro- or anti-Chinese New Year, Eid al-Adha or any other celebration by an ethnic/religious group. Other people have their customs and that's great, but I have my customs and I choose to embrace them.

When I was a child and Christian, I loved Christmas, but now that I'm an adult and Jewish, those memories feel like they come from a different lifetime and were experienced by somebody else. I find that engrossing myself in Judaism by celebrating the holidays as best I can and making Tefilla, Teshuva and Tora study something I engage in every day doesn't leave me with much of a hole that needs to be filled when it comes to the holidays. Truth be told, I identify so strongly as a Jew that I sometimes forget that I'm a convert and led a completely different life up until just a couple years ago!

DL, Conservative, male

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My Thoughts on Christmas

11/22/2010

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(Photo credit: By FotoosVanRobin from Netherlands - La Zi Ji (Chicken with Chiles)
https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=8196042)

Over the past few years I've created family traditions on Christmas. Before my daughter was born I would spend Xmas eve with friends at a Jewish-themed comedy show, eating Chinese food. Now I try to spend the day with friends away from the crowds and shopping malls, and the evening with a special movie and Chinese take-out. I would suggest either It’s a Wonderful Life (classic for some) or Dirty Dancing (one of my favorite chick flicks and so Jewish!).

I have to admit Christmas is always complicated for converts. We have family who wants to see us and they are always going to request we join in their celebrations in ways that may make a new Jew question their Jewishness. I've found it can be easier when Christmas and Hanukkah overlap because there will always be activities at your shul to participate in and Hanukkah parties to attend.

By GW, a Conservative female

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My Thoughts on Christmas

11/18/2010

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For all the years since our conversion I have made a conscious effort to run away from all things Christmas. I did a good job of shutting down all memories of my childhood Christmas experience. I thought I had moved on and by stuffing them down I could ignore them. Since all our Christian relatives were dead it was pretty easy to ignore.

This year, however, I decided it would be ok to have a classical radio station playing while I did my housework - even if it did play Christmas music 3/4 of the time. The other day a simple guitar version with no lyrics of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" came on. For the first time ever since our conversion over a decade ago I sat still for those 3 or 4 minutes and allowed my mind to drift back to my childhood Christmas memories - all the simple little things that were good about the holiday. It was like a power point presentation in my mind - frame after frame of snapshots slowly fading into view. There was the plaster of Paris snowman, reindeer and Santa's sleigh my grandfather in Long Beach installed on his roof each year, the antique porcelain dolls that had been my parents from their own childhoods that we put on the tree, the stockings we had for our dogs, the jello mold my mother made each year, the Bing Crosby recording of White Christmas that was required listening for the weeks before Christmas. Dozens of little flashbacks.

Tears poured down my cheeks and it felt quite cathartic to think about. This quiet little solitary trip into my Christian past was not about religion - but about family connections, traditions, sights/smells/tastes that recurred year after year. have created these same memories for my own Jewish children - wonderful Jewish holiday memories. Just as I remember squirming in my seat during Midnight Mass and long Easter services in my childhood Lutheran Church, my own kids will remember long days at Shul during High Holy Days. They will also remember lighting the menorahs, Seders with friends, our annual Christmas eve Chinese feast and movie with our chavurah and much, much more. I think every year at Christmas I am going to set aside 5 or 10 minutes to be alone and think about my childhood Christmases and allow myself a good cry. Tears of joy, happiness, loss, sadness. I don't really miss Christmas. I miss the people, now all gone, I used to spend it with. Then I will spend the rest of the holiday building closer ties with my Jewish friends and thinking about how to make all the Jewish holidays more memorable for my own children.

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As a Jew by Choice, do you think about Christmas? My Thoughts on Christmas, by CC

11/16/2010

1 Comment

I've had a significant "turn around." The xmas which occurred during my conversion process was an odd one because I felt obliged to keep up the xmas-celebrating out of some feeling of honoring my own tradition, yet I was starting to see it as "someone else's holiday". In fact I remember telling a friend who is also a convert that she SHOULD have an xmas tree (she was wondering if it was OK) because she shouldn't deny her own heritage.

Well, by this year I completely disagree with that! I see Christmas as an entirely invasive event to which I claim as little ownership as possible. What's further fascinating to me is that I now also associate a religious connection to Christmas which I previously didn't. By that I mean, in my pre-conversion years, Christmas was definitely a secular event, which, while having a religious origin, had no sense of religion to me, since I didn't have a sense of religion. But now, since I do have a sense of (Jewish) religion, I completely associate Christmas with Christian religion, even though I know plain well that for millions of people, my own family included, religion plays no part in Christmas. That makes no sense but is a very powerful feeling.

I've developed a fairly unreasonable resentment that the Christian world has been historically oppressive to the Jewish people, and I now see Christmas as the poster-child of that oppression.

By CC, a Reform male

1 Comment

My rabbi doesn’t understand what Christmas means to me

Is the Christmas Tree an issue?

Another comment on Christmas

What Will You Do About Christmas This Year?

Christmas with Christian Family

Christmas as a Jew

My Thoughts on Christmas

My Thoughts on Christmas

As a Jew by Choice, do you think about Christmas? My Thoughts on Christmas, by CC

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