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Oppressing the Convert

7/29/2013

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Unfortunately born Jews, particularly those that lack a Jewish education, can be ignorant of Judaism’s beliefs surrounding conversion, and can even be prejudice against Jews by choice.  American Jews are primarily of Ashkenazi descent and expect other Jews to be white, not Black, Hispanic or Asian. Additionally, they can have the prejudice that the only way to be Jewish is to be born Jewish. That is, they don’t accept conversion as authentic despite thousands of years of Jewish history and rabbinic teachings.

A couple weeks ago a dear friend posted on Facebook about a miserable experience she had at a Jewish wedding where she had been quizzed by another guest as to how Jewish was she?  My friend is African American and did not fit this guest’s idea of what a Jew looks like. The woman then ignored common courtesy and interrogated my friend about her background.  My friend later called me still steaming.  I shared with her, and others, a excellent article by Aliza Hausman titled, Dos and Don'ts of Talking to a Convert.


Oppressing the Convert: A few thoughts on this halachically forbidden behavior.

Many born Jews feel free to talk about their view of the authenticity of converts they meet, that is, just how Jewish is this person?  The most common result is pain.  The Jew by choice feels the sting of judgment. 

The born Jew either sees the Jew by choice as a ‘super’ Jew, someone not like other ‘regular, authentic’ Jews but instead someone driven to over do it, keep all the commandments and in so doing, to annoy the born Jews.

Or the born Jew doesn’t really accept that a person can ‘become’ Jewish.  They see only having been born of a Jewish mother as an authentic route to being Jewish. So this person, this convert, is only a pretender.

Jewish tradition forbids acting or speaking on these feelings.  A commonly quoted Talmud tract on this topic is Baba Mezi’a.

Baba Mezi'a 59b
Here is the text:
Our Rabbis taught: He who wounds the feelings of a proselyte transgresses three negative injunctions, and he who oppresses him infringes on two. Wherein does wronging differ? Because three negative injunctions are stated: Viz., Thou shalt not wrong a stranger [i.e., a proselyte],18  And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not wrong him,19  and ye shall not therefore wrong each his fellowman, 20  a proselyte being included in 'fellowman.' 

After reading this I emailed a friend of mine, an Orthodox rabbi, to learn more about this teaching. Here are some of his thoughts.

You should keep reading; the Talmud gets to the point that there are either 36 or 46 prohibitions violated when one oppresses a convert. 

(As with so many things the rabbis counted, there are differing opinions on how many prohibitions are found.)

So you ask what I would have said. Much would likely depend on tone, as is often the case in human verbal interactions. Tone can be horribly hurtful. 

Was the question coming from a place of curiosity? … Or sadly, was it more likely coming from a place of bigotry? (Such as "oh - you're Jewish, huh? I see... You can't really be Jewish. You certainly don't look Jewish. Are your parents Jewish? Because there is no way you're authentic and real - must be some fad you jumped onto but you don't have a real Jewish lineage like me...)

I'd likely point out that there are two ways to become Jewish: by birth/lineage and by choice/
conversion. Both are 100% valid, though it is the *latter* that displays commitment to Jewish life as an independently chosen life value. And that is one of several reasons why I admire Jews by choice. 

One reason I love walking around in Israel is to see Jews of all shapes and colors and ethnicities. In America we live in eastern-European based bubbles and think Jews are white. By origin, however, we are actually olive skinned middle easterners. But we spread out AND are much more than an ethnicity (we're a religion and a resulting nationality as well) and so we have no specific color, just a shared heritage and beliefs and role in the world. And messing with 30-some odd prohibitions in one snide statement is a heavy error to make.


I know that many of you have had experiences like this.  And many of you have probably also experienced anti-Semitism. Ironic isn't it?  

If these unpleasant experiences do not dissuade a person from converting, then I believe they have made the right choice for themselves.  For most of you, the opinions of a few bigots or idiots are not enough to deter you from following your heart.  Please use the others on the email list for support and feedback. If you are not on our email you can join us by filling out the Contact Us form.



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Response #3: How Did You Find a Rabbi?

7/9/2013

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​I have a friend who had a friend who is a member of Temple Sinai. My friend sent an email introducing me to the synagogue member. That woman put me in touch with her rabbi.  I called the rabbi, left a message and we set up a meeting. The rest was history! I'm Jewish!

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Response #2: How Did You Find a Rabbi?

7/9/2013

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Some of these stories point out the difficulties that lay on the conversion path. Contact Dawn! She can help. And there is no fee for this service. dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org  ALSO, if YOU have a story, send it to us!


I asked another soccer mom on my kids' team who I knew was Jewish what temple she went to and how she liked it. Then I called the synagogue and asked if they had beginning Judaism classes.  The rabbi said no - that I should just come to Shabbat. 

It took me 6 months to work up the nerve to go to a service.  I emailed an on-line anonymous Rabbi with my stupid questions during the 6-month period until we went to an actual service.  Finally the on-line Rabbi said - go to services, already, when they say Shabbat Shalom say Shabbat Shalom back and everything will be fine.  And it was.  

When we went we got love-bombed by the temple president and educator.  It was an overwhelming but good feeling. Both of them turned out to be huge supporters of us (my husband and myself) on our journey to Judaism. What can I say... it's a tiny temple and when strangers walk in they are hopeful you will join. 

We had to take the initiative to talk to the Rabbi at that point and as I recall we made an appointment to meet with him in his office. We joined the synagogue within a week of attending our first service. Oneg Shabbats for the first couple months were also pretty intense.  We stood out because we were new.  When people asked where we attended before we would just say we hadn't affiliated yet. An assumption was made, I think, that we were perhaps interfaith - since people would remark repeatedly that our last name wasn’t “a Jewish name". 

We were definitely a curiosity.  The first time someone not already married to a Jew wanted to join and convert apparently. 

I do love my rabbi from that shul and he was a great Rabbi to convert with.  I have to admit, however, he was pretty curt on the phone during that first encounter and while he greeted us when we arrived that first Shabbat, he did not acknowledge my prior phone call at all.  I did all the approaching to him. 

Once we told him we were serious about wanting to convert (which was right away when we started attending), then he started meeting with us. 




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New Question for Our Readers: How Did You Find a Rabbi?

7/8/2013

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​Dawn, I called YOU!  Seriously!


I think the steps were:
- I took a Judaism 101 class at Lehrhaus, taught by Rabbi L in Berkeley. When I needed to talk with someone about my life after the class, I went to her. She was very instrumental in helping me realize that I wanted to convert, and in fact had sort of been on that path for some time.
 
- I called you. You broke things down for me re: my options (Reform, Conservative, Orthodox). I knew I wanted to study Conservative. We discussed what Rabbis were local. Since we knew Rabbi Kelman at Netivot was retiring, I started attending services at another conservative shul, and discussed conversion with their Rabbi, who was very enthusiastic and supportive.
 
- But, I just knew in my heart that it wasn't the right fit. After attending many services, I woke up one Shabbat morning and said to myself, "Today I will just go to Netivot Shalom and see what it is like. It's okay if I miss one Shabbat at this other shul. I just need to try and resolve this feeling of discomfort." Well, I loved it. I was nearly in tears. I felt so at home in their sanctuary, with the service, and with the people. So I knew I had to speak with Rabbi Kelman. I wrote that I knew he was retiring, but wondered if there was any chance he would have time to talk with me. He was gracious and we talked and I studied for conversion with him. I wrote a letter to the other Rabbi explaining my decision, and he responded wishing me well. Since Rabbi Kelman was retiring, he decided to hold an Adult Bar/Bat Mitzvah class, so any adult who missed out could have one during his tenure. It couldn't have been better timing. I was able to both convert and have a Bat Mitzvah with him, in that congregation.
 
Many thanks to you, Dawn, and Lehrhaus for helping me on my journey!



If you need help with your conversion, contact Dawn Kepler. There is no fee for this. She's at dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org.  And if you'd like to tell your own a story here, let us know!

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