Category: Orthodox Judaism

Patrilineal Jew chooses Orthodox Life

9/2/2026

Would a patrilineal Jew convert to Orthodox Judaism? Why? Josh, a rather soft spoken man, told me about his path to becoming an Orthodox Jew. He ever spoke at a conference I presented in 2016. I didn't know he has posted about his choice of synagogues on his own shul's website until I just came across it today.

Much too often people want to beat up Orthodox Jews. But it becomes harder to be rude when you are face to face with a kind man simply explaining his own choice. What are you going to say - I don't want you to have a different opinion or make a different choice that I would?

Let's allow everyone their own choice. For those who choose Orthodoxy, let's be kinder and happy to see anyone find their spiritual home.

Read Josh's statement here.

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Leniencies in Orthodox Conversions

6/25/2025

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I recently learned about an Orthodox rabbi who is striving to find leniencies to allow more people to convert via Orthodoxy. There is a project going on in New York led by Rabbi Adam Mintz. I have not read through his website yet, but would love to hear your thoughts on his work.
His website is Rabbi Mintz.

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Standards for Orthodox Conversion in the East Bay

6/23/2025

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I asked the rabbis of the Oakland and Berkeley Orthodox synagogues to give me guidelines on the requirements to convert with them. They discussed it and jointly gave me this:

Prerequisites for starting the process:

Moving within walking distance of the synagogue that one attends.
Regularly attending services and classes for several months

Requirements:

A significant commitment to learning a curriculum focused on Jewish law, ethics and philosophy.
Moving to a life of full observance of Mitzvot, including orthodox observance of Shabbat, keeping kosher both inside and outside of the home, laws of family purity if relevant, and daily prayer.
A commitment to God and the Jewish people, in Israel and abroad.

There are obviously many more details, but this should be a helpful starting point for your website. Yasher Koach again!

I have found both of these rabbis and shuls to be incredibly kind and welcoming. I have friends who have converted at both synagogues. Consider these directives and if they fit you, contact the synagogue and begin attending services.

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Is the Christmas Tree an issue?

10/27/2020

25 Comments

I have another question from our curious young woman.
She asked about how Jews by Choice feel about the Christmas tree. Here are her 3 questions.

What do converts know of the origins of the Christmas tree?
Given that it is pagan, would you have one in your home – especially if your kids wanted one? Why or why not.
Do you view a Christmas tree as Christian?

Replies:

There is not a conflict for me as I currently live alone and do not have to consider children.
Yes, of course I view a Christmas tree as Christian! The name is clear, no? Christ-mas tree!
My son and grandsons do celebrate Christmas, largely as a secular holiday, and have a Christmas tree. I enjoy buying them Christmas presents and dining with them that day, but it is clear that I do not celebrate the holiday and my son refers to my gifts as Hanukkah gifts.
Hannah 

***

Here are a few thoughts about my understanding of Christmas trees:
They originally were put up to celebrate winter solstice, or Yule, or Yuletide, and the days growing longer again after the solstice occurred (a pagan celebration).

The Catholic church co-opted these celebrations into Christmas and turned the Yule tree into a Christmas tree, so now it’s basically a Christian-related tree vs. Yule or pagan.

Many people see Christmas trees and other Christmas items as “folk” or family traditions instead of religious traditions. I have siblings who are in that camp.

I also have Jewish friends who celebrate the holiday season with a Christmas or Yule tree. One Jewish friend hangs a stocking on her fireplace mantle next to her tree, but the stocking has “Happy Hannukah” on it, which I think is kind of funny. I don’t take many of these cross-over things very seriously. To me, almost everything is a form mythology (e.g., Santa Claus, the oil burning 8 nights), and it’s just a matter of which mythology you choose or prefer.

My born Jewish wife and I don’t mind “helping” non-Jews celebrate Christmas (such as my siblings) but we don’t celebrate it ourselves and don’t have a tree or other Christmas items -- Chanuka only. Some Jews participate in Christmas activities, as if they didn’t want to “miss out” on the fun, or they see it as a form of “multiculturalism” or “diversity”, but to me Christmas commercialism is so overwhelming, I can’t see it as something that needs further promotion.

But again, I don’t take these things as seriously as my wife does. It is interesting to me that some Jews refuse to get stressed about anything pertaining to Christmas while other Jews become seriously depressed about it, as if their “seasonal affected depression” is triggered or made even worse by the Christmas season. My wife tends to fall into that category, especially when it comes to our adult daughter’s husband and in-laws celebrating Christmas, but I try not to go down that path and try to take more of a “live and let live” approach. Again, it’s all mythology of one form or another, and when kids grow up, they will see it all for what it is. I realize that some people have much stronger sentimental attachments to things they did growing up than I do. I tend to be more skeptical and detached. Personalities are all over the map, so it’s easy to make generalizations that are not accurate.
David

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I see it as a seasonal symbol, not Jewish but also not specifically Christian. I have no kids but my partner loves to have a tree as a symbol of New Year with no specific religious meaning (c’mon, it’s not a créche!!) so I have no problem with it so far.
Adir

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I love this question. Here is my far-too-long response!

1. Recognize that for many Jews by choice, the CTI (Christmas Tree Issue) can be as long-lived as a redwood tree and if you are concerned about it now be warned that you might be concerned about it for years to come! However by the time you finish reading this, maybe not.

2. The Christmas tree being pagan in origin is a point relevant only in a conversation about the pagan origins of things with the few people who can get their mind around what pagan even means. It's not relevant for Jews who converted from a Christian tradition because of just that, they converted from a Christian tradition, not from a pagan tradition.

3. The pagan origins of the Christmas tree is also not relevant for two sets of non-Jews: Christians, who consider it a part of their Christian holiday; and agnostics and atheists who celebrate Christmas as a delightful holiday but who turn a blind eye to the Christian themes. That last point is easy to do because in fact the Christian themes are secondary to the agnostic-themes such as Santa, santa hats, red and white candy-canes, anything else red and white, reindeer, red noses, antlers, gaily-colored wrapped gifts, red ribbons, anything and everything red and green, holly, snowflakes, robins in the snow, sleighs riding through the snow, snowmen sitting in snow, anything else in the snow, etc etc, and not forgetting mistletoe and yule logs (bringing up the pagan rear guard again). The fact that Christmas is "supposed" to be anything about Christianity is lost in a blizzard of Christmas-imagery, which are essentially "winter celebration things".

4. Missing from that list above is: the Christmas tree. It's such a central point to the Christmas-imagery list that it deserves to be in a list of one all by itself. A Christmas tree means only one thing, Christmas; its very name says it all. It doesn't have a darned thing to do with Christianity, but as per above list it has everything to do with Christmas.

5. For Jewish converts struggling with the CTI, that can be a lot of heavy baggage to drag out of the way on the journey to living-Jewish, a point which is important to Jews by Choice who are sensitive to imagery which either "proves" their Jewishness (like having a menorah in the window) or "proves" their previous non-Jewish background (like having a Christmas tree in the window).

6. Neither of those things actually prove anything but such imagery is a touchstone which sends out a signal to the Jew by Choice and to everyone else regarding "what that person really is".

7. Having a Christmas tree, if you are a Jew by Choice, sends a mixed signal. "Who am I?" says that signal. For yourself, if you converted, then you are a Jew, and having a tree in the living room for 2 weeks of the year will not undo your conversion. For everyone else looking through the window, it's none of their damned business but if you are troubled by that put the tree away from the window.

8. The Jew by Choice struggling with the CTI may be tempted to claim "it's OK for me to have a Christmas tree because it's pagan in origin", but that would be dishonest (even if it's a factually true statement) since it's not very likely they ever gave paganism a second thought when they had a Christmas tree back in their pre-Jewish days, and it certainly won't convince anyone else looking in as they won't know anything about pagan origins unless they were in that rarified conversation in paragraph 2 above.

9. But having a Christmas tree because your kids want one is a very good reason to have one. Who says one set of people can't join in the cultural fun of another set of people? If you lived in a society that keeps to its own, such as Hasidic Jews do, then this and other dilemmas of assimilation don't arise but the fact you are even asking about the CTI suggests you aren't anywhere close to such a society. The value to the kids in having one may be greater than the value to yourself in not having one.

10. So buy the tree and enjoy it and assuage any guilt by blaming the kids. Then when they grow up stop having one, if the CTI still bothers you. By then you may have dropped it anyway, or you will have come to realize that having one doesn't actually matter unless you make it matter. Either way, at that point the CTI will no longer be an issue.
Eliezer

Note: It is a very Western culture viewpoint to see individual expression as of primary importance. Judaism is not an individualistic culture; it is communal. What impacts one Jew, impacts all Jews. We should be thoughtful in what we dismiss as simply for our own happiness.

***

About Christmas trees -- I don't have one, but I also don't view it as Christian because Christmas is so commercialized nowadays anyway together with all the expected shopping, trees, etc. It is like red roses for Valentine's Day...

I don't have kids, but if I did, I would take this as an opportunities to explain what it is, what it symbolized, etc. with a view of understanding "foreign cultures." In fact, my father is a daoist. That was how he explained the Christmas tree and other different religions to me when I was growing up. It's more of cultural arts/humanities & social studies in our home back in the days.
Binah

What do you know of the origins of the Christmas tree?
Originally German. Came to England through German rulers. There were early German influences (late 1700’s- early 1800’s) in the US & Canada. The popularity of Christmas trees in Victorian England (1840’+) really cemented the popularity of Christmas trees in America.

Given that it is pagan, would you have one in your home
Pagan origin has nothing to do with it. Do you think that Jews were the first people to blow rams horns or play harps?
We haven’t had one in our home for more than 20 years. Even before that we didn’t place much importance on it. We did go to friends Christmas parties and our daughter went to homes for friends and relatives who had Christmas trees.

Do you view a Christmas tree as Christian?
They are both a Christian thing and, in our era a more cultural item.
Don’t forget that, historically, some American Jews did have Christmas trees. Southern Jews often had them. Alfred Uhry wrote three plays about Southern Jews in his Atlanta Trilogy. In the first two, about assimilated Jews, Driving Miss Daisy and Last Night at Ballyhoo, there are Christmas trees at the parties in the protagonists houses – without stars or creches.
Most of the intermarried families that I know have trees and Christmas parties.
Mikhael

Note: Mikhael is right, most interfaith families have a Christmas tree. This speaks to the intense power and attachment that the tree represents, to Americans (not necessarily Christian) who have had one all their life. We can dismiss this, but we would be foolish to do so. Anything with such a strong emotional impact on humans matters.

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Christmas trees are of pagan origin. Pagan pretty much means Avodah Zara. Avodah Zara is explicitly forbidden. So no Christmas trees in Jewish homes if you care about biblical commandments.
Shifra

Note: I am glad Shifra raises this important point as it is often forgotten. The Torah does not say a single word about Christianity because Christianity didn't exist in biblical times. It has a great deal to say about paganism; in fact it rails against paganism. In today's world few Jews feel threatened by pagan practice, however is it biblically forbidden. Whether you personally accept this it is important to understand that historical and traditional Judaism do! Therefore, know what the teachings say and be prepared to discuss this topic knowledgably.

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Conversion didn’t grant ‘born-Jewish privilege’

3/18/2016

2 Comments

(The stories of four individuals are combine to make this letter from the Jweekly Mixed and Matched column.)

I have a Jewish father and non-Jewish mom. I was raised with some Jewish activities at home and when I got into college, I began to explore Judaism. By the time I was 27, I decided to convert. I found a Conservative congregation and converted with the rabbi. A couple of years later when I wanted to go to Israel, someone pointed out that Orthodox Jews wouldn’t consider me Jewish. I went back to my rabbi and asked him about this. He said, “Yes, that’s true. But what do you care what those people think?” I wanted to curse him with unprintable words about his “born-Jewish privilege!” How dare he be so cavalier about my feelings and my identity! I left his synagogue and am now going to an Orthodox shul and converting there. There should be full disclosure by rabbis and someone should tell them to stop leaning on their blind privilege. I’m really angry about this. — Could Have Used an Honest Rabbi

Dear Could Have Used: I can hear the anger in your statement. I am so sorry. I know that anger is one of the ways we react to pain. Clearly, this rabbi hurt you deeply.
Of course, you are right. Yes, every rabbi should clearly articulate the huge range of Jewish views and spell out who will accept what when it comes to conversion. I am surprised that your rabbi failed to do so. I am not minimizing your experience, but I want you to know that you are not alone. There are Orthodox Jews who aren’t accepted by other Orthodox Jews.
Second, you are so right, there is born-Jewish privilege and those who have it are often oblivious to how it serves them. Your Conservative rabbi may not be accepted as a rabbi by Orthodox rabbis, but he will certainly be accepted as a Jew. He doesn’t have to study or go before a beit din or go to the mikvah. He was born into that identity and it is his for life.
He can chose to walk away from it, change his name and become a Catholic priest, but the moment he returns to a synagogue, he’s in. Some would roll their eyes, but once a Jew, always a Jew, no matter how they behave.
I venture to say that part of the rabbi’s curt response was not about you; it was about him. He was quick to dismiss what “they” think because from an Orthodox perspective, it is his conversion work that is unacceptable. As you see now, the Orthodox are happy to convert you, using a process that they find kosher, i.e., acceptable and authentic. Sadly, many people are too focused on themselves to get their own ego out of the way in order to listen to the pain being expressed by another. It is also possible that the Conservative rabbi has a twinge of guilt for failing to fully inform you, and he was hastening to cover his embarrassment.
Finally, my friend, there is simply too little information available about conversion — whether for those with Jewish heritage or those with none. I hope that as more adults with a Jewish father and a non-Jewish mother seek conversion, the Jewish community will take on the responsibility of providing complete information, making it easily accessible. In doing so, everyone will profit.
Remember that your voice and your experience are important and need to be shared. I can assure you that you are making yourself part of the solution to a challenge that faces the entire Jewish community. You are to be commended for that. Should you want to speak about this publicly, please let me know. I am currently planning a half-day conference for May 22 titled “Growing Up Interfaith.” Your thoughts are welcome.

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The Torah's Happy Endings

11/10/2015

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This week Beth Sholom in San Francisco shared this bit of information in their weekly email.

If you've attended shul on Shabbat more than a handful of times, you're probably aware of the fact that the weekly Torah portion, or parsha, is divided into seven sections. These sections correspond with the number of aliyot meaning "calling up." For each aliyah, a reader is called to the bimah to recite a blessing for the gift of Torah.

So, sure, you know all that...but have you ever noticed that each reading ends on a positive note, even those in the midst of a dismal parsha? This is no accident.

As this recent article in J Weekly explains, the Shulchan Aruch, our most widely consulted halachic code, cautions that "one should aim to always begin reading [each aliyah] on a good note and end reading it on a good note as well."

Rabbi Yonaton Cohen, the author of the J Weekly article, believes that the rabbis elected to break up each parsha this way to demonstrate what might be described as the power of positive thinking. "Time and time again," he writes, "those who divided the Torah chose blessings over curses, life over death, hope over despair."

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New Question: I see Conservative and Orthodox Jewish people around me. If I convert will my life change even if I have a Reform conversion?

1/18/2012

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A reader posed this question and we sent it to our email list. Here are some answers.

Answer #1: What changed the most is that I am now part of something much larger than myself: I am part of the Jewish People, for better and for worse. Honestly, nearly everything about my life changed, but not all at once. I am the same person I was before but my relationship to most of my world has changed dramatically.

Conversion to Judaism was like finding a lost part of myself, and it took time for all the pieces to come together -- really, they are still coming together, because Judaism well lived is a lifetime journey. Sure, my eating habits changed and my Saturdays are different, but the deeper changes came in the ways I relate to other people and even to myself.
Periodically something I read or a sermon I hear will cause me to examine the way in which I live a certain mitzvah. For instance, after hearing a sermon I decided that I needed to take better care of my body, which led to changes in my eating and exercise. I am a "conflict avoider" but I know I am commanded to make peace -- genuine peace, not fake peace! -- so I am much more likely to deal with problems than in the past.
I worry about different things: I am very careful not to embarrass anyone. That was not on my radar twenty years ago!  All these changes have made me a happier person. I knew I wanted to be a Jew; I did not realize, going in, how much it would challenge me and how rewarding the changes would be.
I have received much, much more than I have given up, but in truth, there are some things that will always be a bit of an effort for me. (I miss pork -- ridiculous but true.)

However, I've never been sorry that I came home to Judaism, not for a moment.

Answer #2: I would say to this woman very seriously that her life will change no more and no less than she wants it to. Becoming Jewish is like coming home - it's not a matter of pushing yourself to look like someone else, it's a matter of growing so that you can look like *you*, so you can find that sweet spot where you are the person you know you were meant to be. I find that idea makes the superficial outside changes (will I keep kosher, will I cover my hair, what-have-you), so much less scary. Because *you* are in control, it's not change being forced on you. And it's not an on-off switch, your life can look as different or as similar as you want, and each day you can choose something new.

Answer #3: Since my conversion and bar mitzvah, my life has changed in several ways. I find myself thinking as if I have always been Jewish. I may not have the cultural experiences that born Jews have, but my soul seems Jewish to me. When I read passages from Torah, the stories are from my family history. Sarah is my mother. Abraham is my father. Israel is my home. I feel intimately connected to the stories. Before my conversion, I was a "ger". A stranger on the outside looking in. Also, when I look at life, I look at it from a Jewish perspective. "Oy" is an essential part of my personal vocabulary.

        In my daily life, I attempt to keep as kosher as my life situation allows. I don't eat meat (from mammals) with dairy and I use separate plates when eating dairy. I find myself looking at what I eat and consciously deciding if it is "fit" for my consumption. I tend to lean towards the "eco-kosher" movement. Not only do I want to avoid eating things Torah doesn't permit, I want to support agricultural systems that are sustainable and humane.

        Since my bar mitzvah, I have taken to wearing a kippah all the time--even at work. This has been the biggest impact in my life. It identifies me publicly as a Jew and thus makes me more conscious of my conduct. I want my actions to reflect positively upon the community. One wonderful thing about being visibly Jewish is that it invites curious people to learn about Judaism and its people. I see those invitations to be teachable moments where misunderstandings can be cleared up and people's horizons to be broadened. Even in my own family, my relatives ask questions about what it means to me to be Jewish. I wouldn't say that I'm perfectly Jewish, but I'm working on it.

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Patrilineal Jew chooses Orthodox Life

Leniencies in Orthodox Conversions

Standards for Orthodox Conversion in the East Bay

Is the Christmas Tree an issue?

Conversion didn’t grant ‘born-Jewish privilege’

The Torah's Happy Endings

New Question: I see Conservative and Orthodox Jewish people around me. If I convert will my life change even if I have a Reform conversion?

Thoughts from our Email List

Categories

Archives

Patrilineal Jew chooses Orthodox Life

Leniencies in Orthodox Conversions

Standards for Orthodox Conversion in the East Bay

Is the Christmas Tree an issue?

﻿Conversion didn’t grant ‘born-Jewish privilege’

The Torah's Happy Endings

New Question: I see Conservative and Orthodox Jewish people around me. If I convert will my life change even if I have a Reform conversion?

Thoughts from our Email List

Categories

Archives

Conversion didn’t grant ‘born-Jewish privilege’