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Another comment on Christmas

12/23/2019

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I've received several emails about the challenge of Christmas, family expectations, and worries that the Jewish community will disapprove of something we do at Christmas time. 

One reply - from Ruth Aliza - deserves sharing because it speaks to all of these.



I just wanted to thank you for sending this timely and thoughtful note about Christmas and Jews-by-choice. This year I'm spending Christmas morning with my parents and siblings (who live locally), and then spending the afternoon/evening celebrating Chanukah with friends. I've never missed Christmas dinner before, and it was hard to tell my mother that I was going to eat Chinese takeout and watch a movie! But it felt like the right thing for me this year---I wanted to both spend Christmas with my family, and do something that felt Jewish on that day.

Tangentially related: This week, I stopped by my neighborhood Walgreens to pick up some stocking stuffers for my family. As luck would have it, I ran into two different families from my synagogue while I was standing ("Rudolph" red-handed?) in the Christmas tchotchkes aisle. At first I was mortified, but then I realized: (A) Most people don't care what I've got in my shopping basket, and (B) It's ok! I no longer celebrate Christmas as a personal holiday, but my family does, and that comes with some practicalities....like buying stocking stuffers.


My P.S. to all of you is that born Jews also like things like eggnog, peppermint, gingerbread, bright lights in the dark of winter, and more. Be kind to yourself.

Just for fun, here's a delicious latke recipe for those of us who are not terribly fond of fried potatoes. 


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What Will You Do About Christmas This Year?

12/16/2019

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​There are so many potential issues for a Jew-by-choice. Here are some that have been raised before:
 
*My family expects me to join them; how can I say no. I love them.
*I really love Christmas still. It isn’t religious for me, never was, just very festive.
*NOT having Christmas feels like such a momentous lifestyle change that I can’t wrap my head around it.
*I feel guilty having a Christmas tree.
*I feel guilty for wanting a Christmas tree.
*I’m afraid my rabbi/Jewish friends will find out I have a tree.
*I feel defensive and angry when people say this can’t be a secular holiday.
*I’m afraid my kids will love Christmas and hate me for depriving them of it.
 
And the list goes on.
 
Are you having yucky feelings about Christmas? STOP. You are not a bad person, you do love your family, you can have a tree, you can NOT have a tree, you aren’t depriving your children, no one gets to beat you up – not even you.
 
Christmas is just plain LOADED. How else would it sell everything from razors to dolls? Don’t feel bad that you have been influenced by our society’s huge investment in Christmas, financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically.  You did not bring this on yourself. You live in America; it happens.
 
What to do? Stop letting negative feelings control you. Remember that you have a right to be a Jew who observes Christmas. Don’t be defensive or make up tales about why it’s OK. Embrace your truth. Be ready to say, “Hey, this holiday is the definition of family for me. I need it.” Or whatever is true for you. If people don’t like it you can smile and move on. Or you can ask them, “Do you have a solution? Let’s hear it.” Can they ‘fix’ your feelings?  No, but I want you to. I don’t want you feeling bad.
 
Make a plan. Decide you are going to do which ever is most comfortable in your life this year. Then starting in January you have a year to plan to try something different. You could decide you’ll go to Hawaii next December, or to Tahoe or somewhere else. You could look around for friends with whom to spend the holiday.  You could plan for a big Hanukkah year, go all out on decorations, parties and food. You could try going without the tree, or just the lights. You could make a decision that for ONE December in 2020 you’re going to test out doing what you think you “ought” to do. JUST FOR ONE YEAR. Then you are going to re-evaluate. I know a convert who decided, no Christmas for one December. The next year, yes, Christmas. Then after some reflection, my friend decided to stop having Christmas. At the same time I know people who have figured out how to make Christmas work in their home. Life is constantly changing. You get to experiment. Just be honest with your kids so they know what you’re doing.

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I used my "English" name for my Hebrew name

12/8/2019

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When choosing your Hebrew name you may want something brand new, or you may want to use some aspect of your given name. Look up your name. There may be an idea in what you find.

One young woman wrote this about choosing her Hebrew name:

I started day-dreaming about what Hebrew name I would pick from the very beginning. Choosing your name is an opportunity to choose your identity... and I wanted my identity to be sassy and awesome, meaningful and intelligent, and infinitely cooler than I actually am. And then finally, after two years, I settled on the perfect name: my legal one. The name that my mother and father chose for me. Because becoming Jewish, for me, was an act of choosing to recognize *who I already am.*  I will always be my parents' daughter - a reality that I honored and recognized by keeping my legal first name as my Hebrew name. And just as I have now chosen a future among the Jewish tribe, I added "bat Avraham v' Sara" to my legal first name. My Hebrew name = my family of origin + my family by choice = my past + my future. My Hebrew name doesn't aspire to a new identity; instead, it does no more and no less than recognize me for who I am. 

My Mom cried when I told her. There had been serious potential for her to feel alienated by my conversion (though we were both trying hard to prevent that), but my choice of Hebrew name made her feel included, validated, and honored. It really helped to make my conversion a beautiful experience for everyone. 

(Granted: I'm really really lucky to have a legal name that is a diminutive of a classic biblical name!)

Nina found her name on Kveller's Jewish Baby Names List. Maybe yours is there!


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