Category: After Conversion

Post Conversion - Responding to Inappropriate Questions

7/25/2017

As I promised when I posted about the inappropriate, and even forbidden, questions and comments that Jews by Choice get, today I am posting about comebacks. Rabbi Ruth Adar of Coffee Shop Rabbi wrote both yesterday's and today's articles.

Again, feel free to comment here below or on Rabbi Adar's site or both.

How have YOU handled unwanted conversations about your conversion? Have you sought out the support of your rabbi? What did he or she say?

Comebacks for Converts
Last week I posted an entry that seemed to hit a nerve: Talking About Converts. I thought it might be good to follow up with a post about ways to deal with nosy questions, etc. What follows is a question or comment (in italics) and some possible responses.
“Are you a convert?”

Yes. So were Abraham, Sarah and King David’s great-grandmother.
Did you know that halakhah forbids that question?
Why do you ask?

“Did you convert to get married?”

Did you?
Why do you ask?

“So, Plonit* tells me that you are a convert!”

Surely you and Plonit* are not gossiping about me!
Why is this your concern?

“You do realize that you’ll never really be Jewish, right?”

Why don’t you ask the rabbi about that?
Why would you say such a hurtful thing to me?
Well, then I guess Abraham and Sarah weren’t really Jewish, either.
Why does my conversion bother you so much? Maybe you should talk to the rabbi.
I didn’t realize you are an expert on halakhah.

“I love hearing conversion stories! Tell me yours!”

No.
That’s private.
I’m too busy being Jewish to think about ancient history!

“I think Plony is a convert. What do you think?”

I think it isn’t my business.
I’d rather talk about something else.
Plony is Jewish. That’s good enough for me.
Why are you asking me?

When all else fails, sports can come to the rescue. Just change the subject as if the subject had never come up:

How about those [insert sports team name here]?

Personally, my favorite replies are “Why do you ask?” or the ever-popular “Oh?” with a puzzled look. Just put the ball in their court.
If you aren’t sure what might be comfortable for you, try different answers out, either with a mirror or better yet with a friend.
I hope that readers will chime in with their own ways of responding to intrusive or hurtful questions and comments. What do you do when someone says something inappropriate?
*Plony and Plonit are the Jewish equivalents of John and Jane Doe.

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Post Conversion - Fitting In and Gossip

7/25/2017

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Rabbi Ruth Adar of Coffee Shop Rabbi wrote a powerful piece, Talking About Converts, and I have gotten her permission to reprint it here.

Read the article. I also encourage you to check out the comments back at her blog. Share your own thoughts here below or over on her site. Share this post. People need to learn that it is forbidden by Jewish law to gossip and specifically to discuss someone's conversion. Many violate this rule. It can be a sore subject for Jews by choice.

Stay tuned. I will be posting about how a Jew by choice can respond to unwanted questions and comments.

Talking About Converts
I am open about the fact that I was not born Jewish. That is a deliberate choice on my part. I have made the decision to be open about my background because I find it helpful to my work.
I worry that my openness may mislead readers into thinking that it’s OK to talk about converts. You can talk about conversion all you want. You can talk about yourself all you want. But if you talk about someone else’s conversion, you are violating an important tradition.
Jewish tradition is very clear that we are NOT to talk about other people in general. We are especially not supposed to mention the fact that a person is a convert to them or to anyone else. They can talk about their history, if they choose, but we must not mention it without their permission. We should get their permission each time we talk about them to someone else.
We are also commanded not to listen to anyone else who breaks this rule: no listening to gossip about who’s a convert. No speculating, either.
We can’t ask about how a person became Jewish, no matter how curious we are, or how friendly we feel. Our intention doesn’t matter – our behavior does.
Why this tradition? As with many commandments, it’s there because our inclination as human beings is to be curious and gossipy. It is human to notice differences and exclude people on account of them. Torah calls us to do better, and it gives us rules (commandments, mitzvot) that help us be better people that we’d otherwise be.
Beside the obvious, walking up to someone and asking, “Are you a convert?” there are subtler things we should avoid.

Don’t assume that a person with browner skin than yours is a convert to Judaism. They might be a descendant of Maimonides or Solomon.
Don’t assume that the person walking down the hall at synagogue with Asian features is a convert.
Don’t assume that someone with ben Avraham v’Sarah after his Hebrew name is a convert. Guys named Abraham have been known to marry a Sarah and have kids.
Don’t assume that Jim O’Malley is a convert to Judaism. His Hebrew name might be Nachum ben Moshe v’Shirah.
Don’t assume that if someone has a funny accent, they must be a convert.
Don’t assume that if someone is a convert, they did it to “marry in.” Some of us become Jewish because it is our heart’s desire.
Don’t assume that if someone converted in connection with a marriage, that it was insincere. Falling in love with a Jew might have been the first step towards falling in love with Judaism.
Don’t assume that if a woman is a convert, she did it to find a Jewish husband.
Don’t assume that a convert is any more or less observant than you are.
Don’t assume that a convert likes telling their story again and again.

Whether you became Jewish in the waters of your mother’s womb or in the waters of the mikveh it is painful to be separated from the Jewish People, especially if a fellow Jew is doing the separating.
Don’t gossip about someone’s Jewish history; it is hurtful.
What is hateful to you, do not do to any person. This is the whole Torah; the rest is commentary. Go and learn. – Hillel the Elder, Shabbat 31a

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Will I Ever Fit In?

1/10/2017

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One of the questions that comes up frequently is, “Will I ever really fit in and feel totally Jewish?” This is a two way question. First, will the Jew by choice come to a point of feeling competent and comfortable with being Jewish? Will they “forget” not being Jewish and just BE?

Second, will the community accept converts as Jews?

To the first question the answer is a resounding YES. If you simply live a Jewish life, doing Jewish on a daily basis it will become who you are. There’s a good chance that it will take a few years. But it takes years to absorb a new language, get to know a new friend, learn a new skill. So don’t be discouraged, enjoy the process.

The second question is more difficult. Some born Jews will never accept the idea that a person can convert/become Jewish. For those who have less of a Jewish education and Jewish life, being a born Jew may be all the claim they have to being Jewish. They may not want others to “get to be Jewish” because it feels threatening to their own identity. Other Jews have much knowledge of rabbinic teaching and don’t accept that Judaism had accepted conversion since its inception.

Therefore, it may be hard in some Jewish environments to be affirmed as a Jew when you are a convert. If you find this to be the case – you are in the wrong place. That is not the synagogue or organization for you. Your sponsoring rabbi should be able to put you in touch with a community that is welcoming of converts.

In a class I attended an Orthodox rabbi was asked, “Are there any converts who are members of your synagogue?” He replied, “Yes! Any synagogue that does not have converts is not a real one because it would not include our ancestors Abraham and Sarah who were converts to Judaism.”

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New-to-Judaism mourner didn’t receive needed support

5/12/2016

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This question was sent to the Mixed and Matched column in the J-weekly.

I am a recent convert and a single mother. My sister died recently. When I got the news, I was paralyzed and didn’t know what to do. I had been told that once the word of my sister’s passing got out, people would flock to my door with food, comforting visits and offers to watch my child so I could have time to grieve, but nothing happened. I went to work and kept up with my housework. My rabbi offered to help, but I really didn’t know what to ask for. And actually, I’m not good at asking for help. It felt like people were pretty hands off. People did attend the service, but there was no food since we held the shiva at the temple. My shiva experience could have benefited from more support. What should I know for next time? — Still grieving

Dear Grieving: Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss. I absolutely understand your paralysis upon learning of your sister’s death. The process of shiva, shloshim and the first year of mourning were set up because the rabbis recognized that we cannot function at times of deep sorrow.
Being a recent convert does not solely explain your experience. This could happen to anyone who is new to Jewish communal life or is not well embedded in a Jewish community.
I did some research to get a better understanding of what is happening on the “other” side of the shiva question. I called several synagogues and asked what their process is. This is what I learned.
Upon learning of a death, the clergy makes a call to the bereaved. The rabbi is responsible for asking the mourner what is needed. The clergy arranges for shiva and for any assistance the mourners need — meals, rides, etc. Due to privacy concerns (in my opinion, this has been greatly and sadly inflated in our culture), the clergy says very little to the members. That means that you need to be specific about wanting congregants to be informed. Many, but not all, shuls send an email alerting members to a death. Sadly, what I see is that we have an American (private, autonomous, even secretive) approach to a Jewish process — mourning in community.
Mourners are best served if they have friends in the congregation who are not afraid to ignore those privacy barriers and show up to clean house, do laundry, bring food or just hold hands. It is a mitzvah to care for mourners, to bring them meals and to help around the home. Don’t hesitate to ask for people to fulfill this commandment.
I have heard from some people that they wanted to give their grieving friend “space.” Space for what? To be alone and miserable? Certainly, there are mourners who don’t want to see anyone, but I think your situation is more common. Most mourners don’t know what to ask for, don’t know what they need and want someone else to manage things. Sometimes the best thing that a friend can do is to come over and sit with the mourner, maybe take her or him for a walk to the end of the block and back.
Because we live among mortals and someone is bound to die, you need to be better prepared for future tragedies. You need to set things up so that this doesn’t happen again. I suggest that you make an appointment with your rabbi. Say up front that it is a bereavement conversation. Then tell him or her what you’ve told me and feel free to share what I’ve told you. Also, you need to become more connected with fellow congregants. Talk to the rabbi about how you can become more involved. Make time to deepen your friendships. Go out for coffee or invite someone over. Be honest and say that you need company as you recover from your loss.
You also need to tell your clergy that, for future reference, you aren’t good at asking for help and probably wouldn’t know what to ask for anyway. It is fine to say, “When the next time comes around, treat me as someone who is mute with grief and may need more than I’m able to express.” Tell clergy and friends what you would have liked to have received this past time and what you may need in the future. It will be good for you to say it out loud and for them to receive a concrete request from you.

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Conversion didn’t grant ‘born-Jewish privilege’

3/18/2016

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(The stories of four individuals are combine to make this letter from the Jweekly Mixed and Matched column.)

I have a Jewish father and non-Jewish mom. I was raised with some Jewish activities at home and when I got into college, I began to explore Judaism. By the time I was 27, I decided to convert. I found a Conservative congregation and converted with the rabbi. A couple of years later when I wanted to go to Israel, someone pointed out that Orthodox Jews wouldn’t consider me Jewish. I went back to my rabbi and asked him about this. He said, “Yes, that’s true. But what do you care what those people think?” I wanted to curse him with unprintable words about his “born-Jewish privilege!” How dare he be so cavalier about my feelings and my identity! I left his synagogue and am now going to an Orthodox shul and converting there. There should be full disclosure by rabbis and someone should tell them to stop leaning on their blind privilege. I’m really angry about this. — Could Have Used an Honest Rabbi

Dear Could Have Used: I can hear the anger in your statement. I am so sorry. I know that anger is one of the ways we react to pain. Clearly, this rabbi hurt you deeply.
Of course, you are right. Yes, every rabbi should clearly articulate the huge range of Jewish views and spell out who will accept what when it comes to conversion. I am surprised that your rabbi failed to do so. I am not minimizing your experience, but I want you to know that you are not alone. There are Orthodox Jews who aren’t accepted by other Orthodox Jews.
Second, you are so right, there is born-Jewish privilege and those who have it are often oblivious to how it serves them. Your Conservative rabbi may not be accepted as a rabbi by Orthodox rabbis, but he will certainly be accepted as a Jew. He doesn’t have to study or go before a beit din or go to the mikvah. He was born into that identity and it is his for life.
He can chose to walk away from it, change his name and become a Catholic priest, but the moment he returns to a synagogue, he’s in. Some would roll their eyes, but once a Jew, always a Jew, no matter how they behave.
I venture to say that part of the rabbi’s curt response was not about you; it was about him. He was quick to dismiss what “they” think because from an Orthodox perspective, it is his conversion work that is unacceptable. As you see now, the Orthodox are happy to convert you, using a process that they find kosher, i.e., acceptable and authentic. Sadly, many people are too focused on themselves to get their own ego out of the way in order to listen to the pain being expressed by another. It is also possible that the Conservative rabbi has a twinge of guilt for failing to fully inform you, and he was hastening to cover his embarrassment.
Finally, my friend, there is simply too little information available about conversion — whether for those with Jewish heritage or those with none. I hope that as more adults with a Jewish father and a non-Jewish mother seek conversion, the Jewish community will take on the responsibility of providing complete information, making it easily accessible. In doing so, everyone will profit.
Remember that your voice and your experience are important and need to be shared. I can assure you that you are making yourself part of the solution to a challenge that faces the entire Jewish community. You are to be commended for that. Should you want to speak about this publicly, please let me know. I am currently planning a half-day conference for May 22 titled “Growing Up Interfaith.” Your thoughts are welcome.

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Thoughts on converts in 2016

2/19/2016

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This week a bay area rabbi's weekly email to his congregation focused on Jews by choice. It is a very positive message. And it contains a few assumptions that I would prefer were eliminated. But again, it is hugely positive. We would like to hear from Jews by choice - what do you think? What do you like about the article? How does your own experience compare to what is described?

Here is the article in full.

Are You a Jew by Choice? We Welcome You!
I've stopped counting.
I've just lost count of how many synagogue presidents I have worked with who are Jews by choice.
No, not everyone who converts to Judaism takes on the extraordinary responsibility of leading a congregation. But it is remarkable the degree to which the Jewish community, and Jewish life in its entirety, has been strengthened by those who chose to cast their lot with the Jewish people.
It might be said that, in our open society, all Jews are Jews by choice. That is, any Jew is a Jew because s/he wants to be. It didn't use to be that way. Social boundaries were rigid, and Jews were often regarded as "other," whether they wanted to be or not.
It is a blessing that we do not live in that kind of world any more. Yet, the choice of hundreds of thousands of people to choose to be Jewish is something that centuries of Jews could never have imagined.
Indeed, one or two generations ago, converts to Judaism were relatively rare. They certainly did not get the kind of welcome and acceptance that the Jewish community should have extended to them. Jewish tradition honors those who convert to Judaism, and considers them as fully Jewish as one born into the faith. But that doesn't mean that we always behaved that way.
Thankfully, things have changed. Maybe not everywhere, and not among all Jews. But the reality is impossible to deny. Where would we be if not for those who chose to be Jewish? They are our leaders, our partners in life, our readers of Torah and our teachers. They transmit Judaism to the next generation as their own precious heritage.
Judaism has an irreconcilable tension with regard to recognizing the convert. One is prohibited from reminding the convert that s/he once wasn't a Jew. At the same time, we are taught to honor converts. The Midrash teaches: "Dearer to God is the convert who has come of his/her own accord than all the crowds of Israelites who stood before Mount Sinai." A Jew by choice is given the honorary lineage of ben/bat Avraham v'Sarah, the son/daughter of Abraham and Sarah. You can't get more authentic than that.
No one should imagine that the journey into Judaism is easy. I realize that the challenges can appear unannounced and at awkward moments.
As a congregation, though, it is incumbent upon us to say the same words as every Jew by choice: Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God.

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Making Aliyah to Israel

1/8/2015

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About a year ago in a letter to the J-weekly, a man who had converted to Judaism in California wrote about his disappointment in learning that he was not considered Jewish by the state of Israel and therefore was not eligible to make aliyah. I am used to people taking bureaucratic processes personally so I decided to investigate. I emailed Rabbi Mates-Muchin of Temple Sinai to ask how aliyah works for an American convert. Here is her reply. It covers ALL forms of travel to Israel, not just aliyah. Note that Rabbi Mates-Muchin is a Reform rabbi and if you are from another stream of Judaism you should check with your own rabbi.

*****

Visas and Israel
The most important thing you need to know about visas in Israel is that the process comes in two types: the “general” one that applies to everyone, and the “Jewish” one that applies if you prove you are Jewish. When you go to websites that explain what you need in order to apply for and obtain a visa, they are often giving you the details for the general visa. This information is accurate if you are either not Jewish or you are Jewish but do not want to go through the Jewish verification process.

Let's start with the general process. Here is what you need to know.

Visa for Entry to Israel
A standard B/2 tourist visa is issued at the border for countries who have visitation agreements with Israel (see the status of your country: http://www.mfa.gov.il/MFA_Graphics/MFA%20Gallery/Consular%20forms/VisaRequirements.pdf). This visa is usually valid for up to three months. You are not allowed to work if you enter the country with this visa. If you leave the country and then return, in most cases, you will receive a tourist visa for another three months.

If you are from a country that does not have a visitation agreement, you must obtain a visa from an Israeli Consulate prior to your arrival in Israel.

Work and Student Visas
If you are coming to Israel as a student or in order to work in Israel, you must obtain your visa through an Israeli Consulate prior to your arrival. In the general process, if you come into Israel on a tourist visa, you can not change it to a student or work visa while you are here. See the Ministry of Foreign Affair Website for all the documentation needed to secure a visa from outside of Israel. Contact your regional office (or “mission”) for specific questions.

Visa Extensions
If you want to extend your visa, you have to apply at the Ministry of the Interior (Misrad Hapanim) in Israel. This site has a listing, in English, of the Misrad Hapanim branches throughout Israel. You will likely need an appointment to begin your application process, so it is a good idea to call in advance. If that is not possible or just doesn't work, you should also be able to make an appointment in person.

The following are the requirements listed on the English forms from the office of the Ministry of the Interior in Jerusalem. You may be asked to produce all or only some of these documents, but it is best to come as prepared as possible.

A/2 Student Visa:
1. Passport, valid for a least six months beyond your stay in Israel
2. One passport sized picture
3. A completed application for you and for every member of your family.
4. Birth certificates and marriage certificates when applicable
5. A letter from your educational institution
6. Transcripts from the past year
7. Documentation of adequate funds
8. Apartment lease or dorm contract
9. 175 shekel fee

B/1 Work Visa
1. Passport, valid for a least six months beyond your stay in Israel
2. One passport sized picture
3. A completed application for you and for every member of your family.
4. Birth certificates and marriage certificate when applicable
5. A letter from your employer
6. Proof of medical insurance
7. 165 shekels for a regular visa or 330 for a multi-entry visa

B/2 Tourist Visa
1. Passport, valid for a least six months beyond your stay in Israel
2. One passport sized picture
3. A completed application, for you and for every member of your family.
4. Birth certificates and marriage certificate when applicable
5. A letter explaining your reason for being in Israel
6. If you are staying because of friends or family, provide a letter of explanation and a photocopy of their ID card(s)
7. Proof of funds and an airline ticket out of Israel
8. 175 shekels

Those are the general requirements for obtaining a visa abroad or extending a visa while you are in Israel.

To be eligible for the Jewish process, which ultimately offers more benefits, you have to verify your Jewish status.

Proving your Jewish Status
First, the benefits. As a Jew in Israel, you are not just a tourist, you have some rights. You can stay on a tourist visa for at least a year, if not more. You will be able to go from a tourist visa to a student or work visa. For any visas you obtain in Israel, the fees are waived. Additionally, you only have to go through the process once. After you prove your status as a Jew, you are in the system as a Jew, even for the purpose of making aliyah.

Next, the process. To get the benefits, you have to prove that you are Jewish. Though you apply through the Ministry of the Interior, the confirmation process goes through the Jewish Agency. The Agency doesn't differentiate between their approval of someone's Jewish status for the purpose of aliyah or if someone is applying for a two week tourist extension, so, be prepared that it may take some time.

The basic form of proof is a letter from a recognized rabbi verifying that you are Jewish. “Recognized” means a member of one of the rabbinic professional organizations, such as the CCAR(Reform) or the RA (Conservative). If your rabbi pays dues to one of these professional organizations, she/he should appear on one of the recognized lists.* The letter must state that the applicant is “Jewish by birth”, is a member of the rabbi's congregation (or whose parents are members of the congregation) and that the rabbi knows that the applicant's mother, father or both parents are Jewish. The letter has to be written on letterhead that includes the name of the congregation, address, phone number, and the rabbi's name. Keep in mind that every application is different and the Agency may ask for more information.

If you have converted to Judaism through the Reform movement, you will also need to produce all of your conversion documents. The process will be more complicated and will likely take more time. It is best to contact attorney Nicole Maor at IRAC ([email protected]) in advance of your travel to Israel so that you know what to expect and you can bring the necessary documentation with you.

For the purpose of a visa, if you prove you are a Jew by patrilineal descent**, you will be accorded all of the rights of Jews under the Law of Return's second amendment that gives rights to members of Jews' families. Spouses, children, spouses of children, grandchildren and spouses of grandchildren of verified Jews would all fit into the category of members of Jews' families. The definition of a Jew under the Law of Return, however, is someone born to a Jewish mother or someone who has converted to Judaism and is not practicing another religion. Unless you went to the mikveh and have additional documentation, as a patrilineal Jew, the Jewish Agency will consider you a non-Jew. In light of this, you may want to weigh the benefits of initiating the “Jewish process” depending on the kind of visa you need. If you have questions, contact attorney Nicole Maor ([email protected]) of the Israel Religious Action Center.

If you are applying for a visa or visa extension as a Jew, or as one of the aforementioned relatives of a Jew, you will need your proof of Judaism documents as well as all other items listed in the general process section above.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not feel pressured into proving your Jewish status. You will encounter people who will assume you will want to go through the process, but remember, it is your choice. If you are simply extending your tourist visa for three months, you might prefer to just pay the fee. If, however, you plan to be in Israel for longer than six months, or if you plan to apply for a student or work visa in Israel, the benefits will likely outweigh the burden of the extra time and effort. If there is a chance you will opt to go through verification, it is recommended that you bring all of your
documentation with you to Israel.

If you encounter issues with the process of proving your Jewish status, feel free to contact attorney Nicole Maor at [email protected].

*Note from Dawn: To my knowledge the rabbis from the Renewal movement have not yet applied to the Jewish Agency to have their status and the status of their converts recognized. Before you begin conversion it is a good idea to check with the rabbi you want to work with to find out whether they are on the list as a Recognized Rabbi. Orthodox rabbis will have a somewhat different process since they want their conversions to be accepted not only by the Israeli government, but also by the religious authorities.

**Close relatives of someone who is Jewish up to a grandchild-in-law have a right to make aliyah under the Law of Return. So, they could go and become a citizen, but they would not be considered Jewish. It may be a significant distinction because it would prohibit them from things like getting married, but at the moment lots of Jews are also not able to do that. So patrilineal Jews are not considered Jewish by the Israeli rabbinate but can make aliyah. They should know that because people will tell them they are eligible as a relative of a Jew not because he or she is a Jew. Again, I think the trauma of all this would be greatly reduced if people know what to expect. At the Ministry of the Interior, people will say you are not Jewish but can come because your father is, assuming you can prove that. If you want a visa or if you want to make aliyah, just know what they are going to tell you as they complete their paperwork so that it doesn't shock or insult you in the moment. The clerk you are talking to can't do anything about it. It will just make the process less emotionally traumatic for you if you understand that this is a bureaucratic function.

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Do we need a Convert's Manifesto?

11/6/2014

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I hope you have read about the scandal regarding Rabbi Barry Freundel, the Modern Orthodox rabbi who was arrested for voyeurism in Washington DC without becoming too discouraged. Yes, he is apparently a pretty horrible man. But I am hopeful that one of the positives to come out of it will be better handling of Orthodox (and all) converts.

Bethany Mandel, a conversion student of Rabbi Freundel's had the guts to write write an article, A Bill of Rights for Jewish Converts. Her article is worth reading. I had a lot of strong feelings after I read it.

My friend and colleague, Rabbi Ruth Adar, wrote a blog post, Conversion Manifesto and I encourage you to read it too. I'd like to see every Jew in every movement take up her 10 points.

My own thoughts --

I think Bethany’s experience should not be generalized to the Orthodox community as a whole. I know many converts who had orthodox conversions and A) they chose to do so for personally meaningful reasons, choices that none of us have a right to question. B) They did not have an experience like this.

I know of a Reform rabbi who used to work in SF who created a scandal by making sexual advances at his seekers AND his congregants. Predatory sexual behavior is not limited to a particular stream of Judaism or even to Judaism! It is rampant in our society.

All sexual harassment is heinous.

What is completely UNACCEPTABLE EVER in addition to sexual voyeurism is:

1. Keeping a seeker in limbo. TELL them what the goals are that must be accomplished in order to complete the conversion process and an approximate or typical amount of time to do that. If it could be 3 to 5 years, say so.

2. The cost should be very clear. I recently surveyed bay area converts and they all paid in the range of $300 for their classes and books. They paid an additional fee for the use of the mikvah. None of them felt that the community should provide this for them and they all felt that the amount was reasonable.

3. It is halachically forbidden to raise the topic of another person's conversion. That is their personal private knowledge. Beyond that, it is just plain rude. So zip your lip!

4. If one Jew (by choice) is expected to provide documentation then it must be REQUIRED of every person, born Jews as well. I know that my local Orthodox shul requires that every individual applying for membership affirm that they are halachically Jewish. You can pray, eat, sing, dance, daven with them no matter who you are, but to be a member (that means you get to pay dues!) you have to be halachically Jewish. Fine.

5. Patralineal Jews may indeed be carrying around a Jewish soul. If they are, please help them get home!

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How to increase your connection after you complete your conversion

1/13/2014

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A single man asked me this recently:
Do you have any ideas from your work with people converting what kinds of classes and activities I can do to deepen my knowledge and understanding and spiritual connection to Judaism? Weirdly, I feel that since my mikvah and beit din, I’m left free floating. I really want to keep going in my learning and living a Jewish life, but not sure what direction to take. I am taking the Talmud Circle, which is fantastic (THANK YOU for that, by the way), but once a month is not quite enough.

Our readers gave us these answers to the question, How did YOU connect spiritually & educationally after your conversion?

Choir. It helped me learn the prayers and made High Holidays far more significant to me as I was part of the services. It also gave me an opportunity to meet more members of the congregation.

A spiritual trip to Israel with a temple will make him feel as if he is immersed in a Mikvah every day.

I need to improve my practice, and so I attend a meditation group held at a private home.

I also know about an interesting Torah study class for women.

I am planning to take two classes at Lehrhaus Judaica.

I asked my rabbi to suggest a committee to join. Study was good, too, but service was the best. I was on the Caring Committee for several years, met many people that way, and learned many practical lessons about Jewish living.

Early on we made it a point to always go to Friday night services and sit in the same spot every week. That helped us be recognized by others a little more easily.

Dawn's suggestions:

Have you checked out the classes your synagogue offers. Do they have something that interests you? What about Torah study?

You may want to deepen your home practice. A nice way to do that is to develop a chavura and have Shabbat and holidays together. A friend of mine has decided she is going to have a Shabbat afternoon every other week at her home - invite people over, nosh, chat, discuss the Torah portion and end with Havadalah.

Attend services regularly.

I strongly urge you to find a place where you can study with a really good teacher and thoughtful fellow students. Check out Lehrhaus, other synagogues near you, the JCCs.

Additionally you could look for friends who, like you, are interested in deepening their practice and spirituality. You may just need some more time to get to know people and expand your circle of like-minded Jews.

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Oppressing the Convert

7/29/2013

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Unfortunately born Jews, particularly those that lack a Jewish education, can be ignorant of Judaism’s beliefs surrounding conversion, and can even be prejudice against Jews by choice. American Jews are primarily of Ashkenazi descent and expect other Jews to be white, not Black, Hispanic or Asian. Additionally, they can have the prejudice that the only way to be Jewish is to be born Jewish. That is, they don’t accept conversion as authentic despite thousands of years of Jewish history and rabbinic teachings.

A couple weeks ago a dear friend posted on Facebook about a miserable experience she had at a Jewish wedding where she had been quizzed by another guest as to how Jewish was she? My friend is African American and did not fit this guest’s idea of what a Jew looks like. The woman then ignored common courtesy and interrogated my friend about her background. My friend later called me still steaming. I shared with her, and others, a excellent article by Aliza Hausman titled, Dos and Don'ts of Talking to a Convert.

Oppressing the Convert: A few thoughts on this halachically forbidden behavior.

Many born Jews feel free to talk about their view of the authenticity of converts they meet, that is, just how Jewish is this person? The most common result is pain. The Jew by choice feels the sting of judgment.

The born Jew either sees the Jew by choice as a ‘super’ Jew, someone not like other ‘regular, authentic’ Jews but instead someone driven to over do it, keep all the commandments and in so doing, to annoy the born Jews.

Or the born Jew doesn’t really accept that a person can ‘become’ Jewish. They see only having been born of a Jewish mother as an authentic route to being Jewish. So this person, this convert, is only a pretender.

Jewish tradition forbids acting or speaking on these feelings. A commonly quoted Talmud tract on this topic is Baba Mezi’a.

Baba Mezi'a 59b
Here is the text:
Our Rabbis taught: He who wounds the feelings of a proselyte transgresses three negative injunctions, and he who oppresses him infringes on two. Wherein does wronging differ? Because three negative injunctions are stated: Viz., Thou shalt not wrong a stranger [i.e., a proselyte],18 And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not wrong him,19 and ye shall not therefore wrong each his fellowman, 20 a proselyte being included in 'fellowman.'

After reading this I emailed a friend of mine, an Orthodox rabbi, to learn more about this teaching. Here are some of his thoughts.

You should keep reading; the Talmud gets to the point that there are either 36 or 46 prohibitions violated when one oppresses a convert.

(As with so many things the rabbis counted, there are differing opinions on how many prohibitions are found.)

So you ask what I would have said. Much would likely depend on tone, as is often the case in human verbal interactions. Tone can be horribly hurtful.

Was the question coming from a place of curiosity? … Or sadly, was it more likely coming from a place of bigotry? (Such as "oh - you're Jewish, huh? I see... You can't really be Jewish. You certainly don't look Jewish. Are your parents Jewish? Because there is no way you're authentic and real - must be some fad you jumped onto but you don't have a real Jewish lineage like me...)

I'd likely point out that there are two ways to become Jewish: by birth/lineage and by choice/conversion. Both are 100% valid, though it is the *latter* that displays commitment to Jewish life as an independently chosen life value. And that is one of several reasons why I admire Jews by choice.

One reason I love walking around in Israel is to see Jews of all shapes and colors and ethnicities. In America we live in eastern-European based bubbles and think Jews are white. By origin, however, we are actually olive skinned middle easterners. But we spread out AND are much more than an ethnicity (we're a religion and a resulting nationality as well) and so we have no specific color, just a shared heritage and beliefs and role in the world. And messing with 30-some odd prohibitions in one snide statement is a heavy error to make.

I know that many of you have had experiences like this. And many of you have probably also experienced anti-Semitism. Ironic isn't it?

If these unpleasant experiences do not dissuade a person from converting, then I believe they have made the right choice for themselves. For most of you, the opinions of a few bigots or idiots are not enough to deter you from following your heart. Please use the others on the email list for support and feedback. If you are not on our email you can join us by filling out the Contact Us form.

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